Hi everyone,
I’ve got a heavy topic on my mind tonight, and it’s DARVO, and what it can look like, if there’s a spectrum to it, and how others have dealt with it. I feel like I’m unfortunately coming to the conclusion that my boyfriend practices major DARVO towards me, but it’s confusing because I feel like he’s never been intentional with it if that makes sense. Like he doesn’t intentionally want to cause me harm or masterplan ways to psychologically manipulate me, I truly don’t believe that, I think he touches on each step of DARVO when he feels insecure, mainly when I try to have serious conversations with him.
Sometimes he’s really great during these times, and sometimes when he feels attacked, I think DARVO happens quite a bit. Again, he’s not intentionally doing this I don’t think, so while we’ve gotten to a place where we’re having a discussion about whether this relationship should continue (it’s likely not) it’s hard for me to make sense of the DARVO piece, because it doesn’t feel blatantly abusive to me, but it feels weird, I don’t really know. I’m confused, hurt, and would like to hear from others.
Tl;dr I don’t believe my boyfriend is intentionally abusive with DARVO tactics, it feels more subtle and not at all on purpose.
How do I make sense of this?
Comments
Stop trying to apply DARVO to it. Labels rarely help, and if he’s “just” gaslighting or denying everything or stonewalling or a dozen other shitty things instead then you’ll end up confused because it’s not exactly fitting whatever you’re trying to apply to it.
If you’re hurt and he doesn’t care, that’s a problem. If he seems to care but keeps doing it anyway, that’s a problem. If his response to conflict is to lash out, that’s a problem. A relationship can be unsustainable due to poor behaviour or bad communication habits without it being abusive.
Want to stay together and work on it? Do so. Want to call it quits because it’s not working? Do so. Trying to nail down the clinical or colloquial definition of exactly what his problem is isn’t necessarily helpful.
Your boyfriend intentionally wants to avoid feelings of responsibility, of being wrong, basically adult feelings of collaboration, being wrong, and not always getting your own way.
DARVO is how he has figured out how to do that. And it works on a lot of people.
Did he Google DARVO and say “ah ha! I have finally found the secret to controlling my girlfriend!” While rubbing his hands together and evil laughing? Probably not.
But, that also doesn’t mean he isn’t harming you, and the relationship with his inability to be mature and adult in his conversations with you.
His intention is to not have to feel disappointed, or compromise, or do things he doesn’t want to do. The fact that not feeling those things is more important to him than how he harms you by doing those things is the abuse.
Abuse isn’t always driven by the clear desire to harm the other person, but not intending to harm the other person doesn’t mean they aren’t abusive
Who cares what his intention is. If he can’t accept that he’s at fault sometimes, if he can’t apologise for hurting you, then the relationship isn’t worth it.
So you’re suggesting he has Tourette’s? That’s the only cause I know of where a person utters words without intent. Or perhaps demonic possession? Otherwise, every word that comes out of his mouth is intentional.
He doesn’t have to be abusive for you to dump him. Complete and total refusal to take any responsibility for his choices is sufficient.
Like if he was punching you, you don’t need to wait around until he tries to strangle you to say this is bullshit I’m out. You can leave the first time he hurts you, no need to wait until it’s a fatal injury.
DARVO often comes hand in hand with passive aggression.
You recognize passive aggression because the other person isn’t asking a question, they are making a statement that is begging for a response.
Easy version of this, which can also be perfectly innocent: I had a really shitty day at work. Which by itself is a perfectly innocent statement, but it can be warped that “I had a shitty day at work” is code for I want you to volunteer to emotionally soothe me, but I’m not asking you, I’m expecting you to volunteer.
Now the question you need to ask yourself: Are you being baited into volunteering to do things?
People often get stuck on the topic of intentionality – but tbh its what I would call dead-end thinking. Yes there is definitely a spectrum to this sort of thing, and most abuse and manipulation isn’t Silence of Lambs 5d chess clinical manipulation…
It’s really just a scattershot of “social skills” that sort of fall between the cracks of normal people’s skepticism and kind of derails interactions in favour of the abuser – but rest assured using something like DARVO will only occur consistently is the person using it is either lacking pillars of health relationships and/or has concerning motivations in mind in general.
For example we all get a bit defensive when someone critiques us or brings up a concern, and its not say unusual to maybe clapback with a criticism BUT its usually not confusing
Adding to the chorus: it doesn’t matter what his intent is; what matters is the effect on you.
Is this how you want your relationship to be? Do you want to keep living like this for 5 more years? 10 more years? Do you want to be 30 years older, and every time you try to express an emotion or want something to change, somehow it all becomes your fault and everything you ask of him will automatically end up with you apologizing to him?
You don’t have to continue having sex with a partner who makes you feel shitty every time you say you want to eat thai food tonight or you ask him if he can take a turn at cleaning the bathroom or if maybe, next time, he can warn you before he invites his buddies over for a drink-fest right the night before you have a big test/interview/trip.
In the future, you should define acronyms that you use if they are not common outside of certain circles. I had to google DARVO. For anyone that doesn’t feel like googling, it’s “Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender”