Specifically asking about those who have a partner that does not want you watching porn.
(Fixed post to make question more open-ended)
If your partner doesn’t want you watching porn, do you do it anyway and lie? Why or why not?
r/AskWomen
Specifically asking about those who have a partner that does not want you watching porn.
(Fixed post to make question more open-ended)
Comments
If my partner didn’t want me to watch porn I’d simply look for a new partner. What I do with my time is my business.
If I wanted to watch it (which I don’t, no judgment, it’s just not something I enjoy) I would have a conversation with my husband and share why I want to. My husband isn’t the type of human that would dictate whether or not I do – I can foresee him perhaps having some questions. If I really wanted to, though, I wouldn’t lie to him about it.
I don’t watch porn anymore. Id watch it and if he found out if lie to his face. Nah just kidding. I want my husband to feel secure so if he felt it wasbt a good idea I wouldnt do it.
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I think it’a more common for men being asked to watch porn rather than women…but I’m sure it can happen.
My issue with porn consumption is whether if it’s impacting a person’s sex life and their viewpoint on sex.
It’s an issue if my partner prefer porn over being intimate with me, or they start to have unrealistic standard of sex (anal without lube for example).
So if my partner ask me to stop consuming porn, those are the questions I would ask. Have our sex life been impacted? Do I suddenly have an unhealthy view on sex?
If everything is all peachy and sexy, and my partner just wants me to stop without any explanation…I’m not stopping and I’m not lying about it.
I am not going to sneak around with something like this. If I want to watch porn then I will. If my partner is uncomfortable then I don’t think its going to work. I want someone who is comfortable with their sexual side and is open to different stuff.
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Neither of us watch it, but I read it on occasion. I’ve checked with him and he’s fine with it- but if there ever came a day where he said “hey can you not do that anymore?”, I’d respect him and stop. His security is more important to me than getting my rocks off.
I personally find porn boring . If I were into watching it my husband wouldn’t care less. However if he sets that as a boundary I would totally respect it. He always respects my boundaries.
I watch it anyways. I ask her what she likes, and encourage that we watch some things together. This has expanded our sex lives tremendously.
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I don’t watch it.
My partner isn’t cool with it, and as we’re honest with each other, we follow such boundaries.
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In my marriage pornography is a one and done deal-breaker for both of us.
Respectfully if she doesn’t want me watching porn that’s ok but don’t lie about it.
I left my ex of four years for this exact reason. Perfectly good relationship otherwise. Don’t build a relationship on lies.
Don’t lie, don’t betray or make them question you. I would try and have a talk with your person about it and if you lack caring for their needs because of your need for porn. Having your partner feel neglected is one attribute you left out about this. Do they feel you neglect them or do they just have an intolerance to this and misunderstand your use?
The most common thing is talking and reassurance with your partner about said thing. If you want to change for your partner you can. Open discussion and boundaries are apart of the relationships. If you feel it’s out of bounds for you or if they seem unfair. Openly express and lay out everything. Respecting your partner is huge and maybe you can both learn more from each other by this.
I’d respect my partners boundary.
My ex did not respect my boundary with porn and lied to my face about not watching it. Tbh, the fact that he lied over and over again hurt the most.
Nope. Porn isn’t a big enough deal or even necessary in my life to lie about it. It’s way easier to just not and follow the boundary. Or if it’s extremely important find someone who is okay with it.
Lying about this is a terrible idea. If porn is more important to you than the relationship you need to end the relationship.
If my partner didn’t want me to watch porn, the ONLY compromise would be to make our own sex videos because I am much more horny than he is. I would also ask if reading 18+ comics and hentai would fall into that category. If either of those are a no and my partner was also still lower on the sex drive scale, we’d simply just be incompatible. I would not lie and watch it if we cannot compromise, I would do the right thing and leave. However if his drive was similar and he consented to doing the kinks I’m into, it might be fine. Hypothetically.
Currently my partner has no issues with me watching porn. However I do still want our own vids because it gets me off eaaay faster. I only have BJ vids because it hides the body and I don’t want my fatness seen 💀 But we started going to the gym… So maybe..
u should not ever lie to your partner. if you don’t agree on a boundary like this then maybe u are incompatible or need to find a middle ground.
I feel like lying is a slippery slope. If you’re comfortable lying about that, you’ll probably start lying about other things too. And then what’s the point of being with that person? Just be honest and stand your ground if porn means that much to you.
No I wouldn’t do it anyway and lie, because porn is harmful, it’s not necessary in any way for a health relationship. Replace porn with anything and the answer is always going to be no, because I’m not lying to my partner about how I live. Either I respect their requests, or I’m confident enough to live the way I want without needing to lie about it.
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Neither of us have any interest in porn to begin with.
No, communication and trust are everything in a good relationship
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I don’t need porn to get off. Sometimes my imagination is better than anything I’ve found online! Just gotta tap into the last thing that made you superrrr horny!
I’d either comply with their boundary or break up. I wouldn’t do it and lie, even if lying by omission.
Why do you ask, OP? Have you been lying? Or has someone been lying to you?
If my partner thought it was reasonable to create rules for me, he would not be a partner I’d want.
If he wants to express insecurity surrounding it, then we can have a conversation about it. But just “I dont allow my partners to watch porn” would be an easy kick to the curb for me.
So no, I have no reason to lie. I wouldn’t tolerate him.
Edited for grammar.
Nope. If you are incompatible, you’re incompatible. Otherwise, you communicate, respect boundaries, compromise.
You shouldn’t be lying like this in a healthy relationship, it isn’t right and it isn’t fair to your partner.
No, i would stop. It’s not about control. It’s about respect. I respect my partner and their feelings more than I care about what little I’d get from porn. Real life means more to me than bs. Lying to my partner is something I’ve never done and never plan on doing regardless of how big or small the lie is. It benefits no one in the end.
No, I’m not going to stop watching porn if I don’t have an addiction. No, I’m not going to lie about it.
We can have an adult conversation on what is prompting the demand and work on the actual problem.
Idk I guess I’m weird but I don’t see how this is something you can ask your partner not to do. I mean, I guess you can ask them not to do practically anything but it’s strange to me that people try to dictate how their partners masterbate. That’s what 95% of people use porn for so yeah. I get it if the person was constantly watching porn and it became an addiction or maybe was impacting the relationship sex life. Other than that I wouldn’t even bring it up to my partner.
If they were paying for only fans private content and shit like that I’d consider it cheating but I’d communicate that with them in the beginning of the relationship. I guess my big thing is because some people really need visual stimulation to get off, I don’t feel it’s my right to dictate that. And even in healthy relationships you should still be masterbating. Just my opinion though.
I wouldn’t if he asked me not to. I don’t see the harm in that..and it shows respect for them. Best believe that would be a 2 way street though
I would not have that person as my partner. They are not going to control me.
No, my personal morals dictate that lying in a relationship is wrong. Specifically, lying when it comes to sex and sexuality is worse. Lying and hiding (which are propelled by inner shame) only lead to a lack of emotional intimacy, which leads to a lack of physical intimacy in a long term relationship.
No, if your partner asks you to do something you should respect them. Lying about it is also a breach of trust. Just don’t watch it and respect them or end your relationship before you start lying to them.
Of course not. I’d first see if it’s something that I can live without and would be okay cutting off from my life. If it is, then I wouldn’t watch porn. If it’s not, I’d have a discussion with my partner, find a compromise, understand where hes coming from, even fight If necessary, but never lie.
I don’t really watch porn, maybe once in 4 months, and my partner doesnt care, if he asked me to stop, I probably would without batting an eye.
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I don’t understand the whole porn thing like we watch it both together or even have our owns vids going while u know next to each other soooo I don’t really get it 🫢
I dont do it if I agreed to it. I honestly wouldnt have a problem with it anyways but yea I wouldnt lie to them.
I would say that I won’t stop watching it for them, sorry.
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I’d really really prefer mine didn’t, but it’s not a conversation I’m going to have and I’m not going to ask him not to because it’s not up to me.
I think it’s gross to wank over someone who isn’t your partner but I’m aware that it’s my opinion and 95% of men won’t agree.
If the convo ever came up, I would insist on not knowing about it, not seeing any of it, I want to be able to reasonably think in my head that it’s not happening, even though I realistically know it is.
I do it anyways, mainly because there are things I can only see -IN- Porn, like monsters/beasts.
I have a partner who let me do what I want and same on my side. We don’t tend to tell other what we want them to do or not.
However,
I don’t watch porn. But I would not do it hiding it personally.
I mean, you need your privacy as well on a couple.
But if asked, I would tell the truth because I would not accept her telling me what to do anyway.
The only reason it would be acceptable for my partner or myself to tell her what to do is if my actions have an impact on our relationship.
If I watch porn and start to have a low desire for her and it impacts us, then it is normal that she tells me what I should choose, her or porn.
Don’t lie.
I would do the adult thing and talk about it. Like asking why. It’s important to know the why, because it’s important to know what is important to your partner or at least, you would maybe want to know … At least I do.
So we would have a conversation about that. Depending on the why, I either stop or we make a compromise. Either way, we both decide how to move on.
We never talked about porn, I know he watched it in the past, no clue if recently, I occasionally watch it, but sometimes dont watch it for a few years, but I do read spicy romance books
Unless it would affect our sex life in a negative way, I would neither ask him to stop nor stop reading/ watching it myself and dont agree its a reasonable boundary to make if it doesnt have any impact on our sex life
I don’t think your partner should get into it really. Watching porn is an optional experience that can be personal or shared as a couple but personally, I would take it badly if my partner told me they didn’t want me to watch porn. And then what…how many other things would he want me to stop doing that he has nothing to do with or is not directly affected by? If it causes him discomfort, that’s his problem. But well, each couple can understand each other as they wish.
Don’t lie to your partner
If any of my partners (I’m polyamorous) didn’t want me to watch porn, they wouldn’t be my partner for long. I don’t watch porn anyway, but my partner expecting me to not watch porn is way too controlling. I’m an adult, and I don’t need to be micromanaged.
No . I love him
If she doesn’t want me to watch porn, she has to be able to satisfy me..
And that’s not an easy feat.
Porn is like guns for left leaning people. It is hurting everybody, but men see it as their right and women are trained by the patriarchy to support it
If it was important for me to watch, I wouldn’t lie, and I’d have an honest conversation – trust is more important than sneaking around to watch something.
We both are watching.
To be honest, I used to hide it because I didn’t want to fight, but then we talked frankly and it got easier. Now I don’t lie, I just respect his boundaries.
I just wouldn’t be with a person that told me not to do what I want. In this scenario, the person clearly wants to watch it enough to question lying to their partner, which is never a healthy foundation
I guess I would never even agree to that rule. My partner has no business telling me what I can or can’t watch. Unless it became an obsession I don’t see a problem with it
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If you tell your partner you won’t do something, you don’t lie and keep doing it. This has to be discussed honestly up front and if it’s something you cannot/will not do, you say so and see if there is any compromise. If you agree then lie and hide it, that would force me to leave at that point because that’s 10x worse. Porn is far too normalized and if you agree it’s okay that’s fine but it’s also not okay to demonize those who ask for it not to be in their relationship. Most people are not saying “no masturbation!” they’re just saying “in my definition of monogamy, we don’t sexualize and get off to other naked people”. Porn is not required and can change your brain to make it harder to orgasm without it. Masturbate away but you do not have to use something hurtful to your partner to do it, especially if you agreed not to! Whether you will or won’t stop, just be honest.
I get them to understand that I have needa that I wont force on them, and if they cant keep up with the needs (again, no force, only consent), i will have to leave them. No sense in lying about it, that only creates future problems
If I value the relationship, I stop. Why would I choose porn over my real life partner? I literally cannot imagine myself choosing some story on Literotica over my relationship.
Yes but we still watch it together sometimes when we are having sex.
Personally I would end such a relationship. They’re entitled to the boundary and i’m entitled to not agree to place restrictions on my personal behaviours. I’m not an avid porn watcher (usually on the rare occasion that I’m bedridden sick or overstimulated from a stressful day and want to decompress via an orgasm) but due to my personal beliefs surrounding sexuality and right to expression it’s not a boundary I feel comfortable catering for in a relationship. It’s an issue of compatibility.
Break up. I’m not going out with anyone who wants to control thing I do in private that don’t affect them in any way. My relationship is long distance and I have higher sex drive than him. Thankfully, we’re both very casual with having rules for our relationship.
I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to ask for that much control under the guise of a “boundary.” I don’t even like porn but I would resent any partner who wants that much control over what I consume.
It also wouldn’t be fair unless they also abstain, and I’m sorry to say it but I’d have a hard time believing any man who says he doesn’t watch porn.
I think people who care about this should date each other, but shouldn’t try to impose these sorts of boundaries on others. (I’m thinking about regular porn use that doesn’t negatively affect the relationship. If it’s an addiction, that’s different. Similarly, any kind of porn that they spend money on, or that involves interaction with another woman, isn’t okay with me).
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I do it anyway and don’t lie. For me masturbating is me time, it has nothing to do with anyone but me, so I’m not stopping for anyone (but me). I had a bf that didn’t like it but it didn’t become a big deal.
Every day at work lol
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i had to ask my current partner to stop watching so much porn. his addiction is very deep and it was a very big problem for a while. he watches it now but he slowed WAY WAY DOWN.
That’s deceitful and I wouldn’t disrespect my partner like that. Also. He knows he’s the only one who can get me off, I don’t need to watch p0rn because just seeing a photo of him gets me going.
I already don’t watch porn and I would only date someone who also didn’t watch porn, so for me this would be ideal. Though I would also want to know their reasons for not watching porn. Needs to be for the right reasons.
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For me its easy to not watch. I probably watch once a week or less. I have my cluster moments where i binge more often but its still not something where its like a regular thing. So it wouldnt bother me.
Honestly my ex had no idea i even watched until toward the end of the relationship.
I wouldn’t lie, that’s just not a good thing to do in general.
I’ve never been in this scenario though, my partners and I have had likeminded views about this and didn’t feel the need to place boundaries for this.
I don’t watch porn but if that wasn’t that case, and I was this someone that didn’t want me to watch it, I’d just figure we’re incompatible.
No because that strips my partner of informed consent. If your partner doesn’t want to be with someone who watches porn: that is important for their own sexual intimacy.
If you conceal this information, and they find out you’ve been watching porn the whole time (maybe they find out a year into the relationship, maybe even multiple years)— they are fully in their right to break up with you! And if they break up with you after all that time, then they probably would have broken up with you sooner had they known! So that means you wasted their time by deceit so they would stay with you.
(And god forbid they don’t want to break up if they find out YEARS into a relationship, because you deceived them for so long, and now they feel obligated to try and make the relationship work because they’ve already invested years. Don’t do that to someone!! Give them a choice!!)
But this means you’d have wasted their time, wasted their romantic energy and love that could have gone towards a partner that was more compatible for them.
AND it might mess them up sexually because a relationship includes sex, which means you withheld information that you KNOW would mean they might say no to having sex! Would they have had sex with you had they known you were watching porn behind their back? When they’ve made it known they don’t want you watching porn? That is exploitative and selfish. Have sex with someone who would actually want to have sex with you.
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If my partner sets a boundary, I’d respect it. Plus, I wouldn’t lie to him about anything. I can’t even keep a surprise a secret, cause the guilt over the secrecy eats at me.
id respect their boundary and not watch it, lying in a relationship is probably one of the worst things you can do, relationships are built on trust and the second you break that trust its horrible
If my partner asked me not to or expressed that it bothered them I would never watch it again. They’re so good to me in all the ways i need them to be, and just the most pure, good hearted person. It would hurt me to hurt them. I’ve had partners in the past which I did not feel the same towards mostly due to how they approached lust. I couldn’t trust them to reciprocate that energy if I needed it.
My husband doesn’t care.
If he didn’t want me to watch/read porn, he’d better have a damn good reason why he’s demanding that I do/not do something.
r/pornismisogyny
I watch porn sometimes because my partner just doesn’t interact with me sexually anymore, even when we did I’d tell him he could’ve done more like foreplay etc but it’s always just he finishes and that’s it so I’m left with all this stress building up. He says he feels bad and he’ll try harder next time but he’s been saying that for two years.
Porn is literally disgusting and vile and unhealthy to consume. NOTHING good about it, it’s sex trafficking perversion.
Anyone fighting to continue watching, needs a serious reality check.
I do watch some porn and personally I’d not want to be in a relationship where I was restricted like that. No partner has asked me not to watch porn in particular but I have been in relationships where guys didnt want me using toys on myself because it made them feel insecure, and in those cases I left.
They continue and lie about it, hidden accounts etc.
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They’ve never asked.
No. Porn is cheating unless it’s consensual… just like everything else.
Nah, I would rather talk it out because lying just makes it messier. If it matters to them then it’s worth a real convo
Depends on why. If there are ethical concerns due to the exploitative nature of the industry, sure, makes sense to me, but if it’s because they oppose masturbation in general, that sounds more like a control issue and I wouldn’t agree to that.
In either scenario, I wouldn’t lie about it.
I dated someone for a short period who I found out didn’t like their partners watching porn. We ended up breaking up. Not because I had to watch porn but because it’s an incompatibility, plain and simple. And it’s one that is tied to other insecurities or feelings of ownership or whatever. Which is not something I’m ok with.
Making an agreement to not watch porn is not something I would ever do. And that partner didn’t want a partner who watched porn, so it was a mutual decision to end things.
I’m not entering a relationship with someone who doesn’t want me watching porn. I always have and it’s never been a problem.
As others said this is only valid when it’s actually impacting your sex life
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I tell my boyfriend about what I’m doing on the Internet. He knows I write nsfw fanfic, post it, and he knows that I sometimes go searching for that kind of media because I also do digital art and sometimes porn provides good references/shows anatomy in ways normally not found in sfw references.
All that said, if he wanted me to stop, I would. I never lie to him. He wanted me to pull back just a bit talking about fictional crushes and whatnot with some of my friends and I did. We talk to each other as adults should, and find solutions together.
If my partner has a problem with me watching porn, we talk. Real talk! Respect goes both ways. Im not here to lie or sneak, Im here to grow with someone.
Porn isnt the enemy. Silence and shame are!
if my partner asked me to not watch porn i would need to have a long discussion about why. the reasons would determine what my actions would be.
agreeing to a boundary and just lying and doing it anyway is fucked up.
my boyfriend was the one who brought it up, i agreed even though it was never something id done in prior relationships. i always found it odd to do while in a commited relationship, i never really thought about expressing it as a boundary. now with him im much happier in a relationship like this and know if we ever split (hopefully not ♡♡) id only date men who didnt watch it.
No, if that’s something they specifically told me they don’t like I won’t be a shit human/partner, lie to them AND pass that pre established boundary.
Lesbian here. I know my wife looks at porn to get off but I have zero interest in her private time. We just agree to be discreet.
Me and my partner are both cool with it and talk about it. Sometimes he isn’t around or I’m not, or we aren’t feeling it at the same time then why not help yourself.
There is lots of sexual content (not just regular porn) and I like reading romance with some smut (not even about getting off tbh just like reading it) and I wouldn’t give it up and would explain why (i like reading romances and sex comes with the territory) but it would be hard for me to be someone who wanted none of that around. It’s just not something I see as a fuss unless consuming an unhealthy amount. Glad me and my partner are open about it and have no issue.
I would only get concerned if it became an overly perverse form or addiction. At that point I would start to become grossed out or worried something is wrong. Just be open about it and if it’s a deal breaker then it’s a deal breaker. Some people have higher drives and need something for it.