I moved abroad about 10 years ago to put some distance between myself and my family. Growing up wasn’t easy. I was bullied a lot, and my parents didn’t really give me the support I needed. They weren’t terrible people, but they had their own issues. Looking back, I strongly suspect my mom might have BPD. My dad meant well but he wasn’t a very good father. He once slapped me out of frustration when I refused to go to school, and my mom often had intense tantrums. I spent my teen years with no real friends, no safety net, and ended up diagnosed with PTSD at 18.
When I moved abroad, things got better. I built a stable life, a good career, and eventually a relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 4–5 years, but I never told my parents about him. For the past two years, I also went through fertility treatments for PCOS and poor egg quality which I believe is due to all the stress I was under as a child. In May, I gave birth to my daughter and I still haven’t told my parents that they’re grandparents.
My parents think we have a good relationship. My mom messages me almost daily, we exchange small talk and photos, and sometimes she sends me candy from my home country. My dad calls maybe once a month to say he loves me. But they actually know nothing about my real life here. When I visited them last year, I was 16 weeks pregnant and said nothing.
Now it’s September, and I feel like I’ve boxed myself into a corner. How do I even tell them at this point? Do I just keep pretending? A big part of me doesn’t want my daughter to have a relationship with people who failed to protect me. But at the same time, they’re not “bad” people, just deeply flawed.
My boyfriend has never really asked about my family or shown much interest in understanding my past, so it’s not something we talk about.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Am I protecting my peace and my child or am I just running away from the past in a way that’ll come back to haunt me?
TL;DR: I moved abroad 10 years ago to distance myself from my parents after a tough childhood with emotional neglect and some abuse. I’ve built a stable life, a long-term relationship, and just had a daughter, but haven’t told them. We keep in touch superficially, and now I’m conflicted about whether to tell them or protect my peace and my child from people who failed me.