I moved out of my dad’s house six and a half months ago. I was still a senior in high school but I had a family member to stay with and that was where I preferred to be. My dad and I talked about it before I left. He told me it was important that I still see my stepsiblings (both under ten) because they know me as their brother and they’ll ask too many questions about why I’m not around and don’t have anything to do with them. But I didn’t and I moved out without that conversation. Now my dad and my grandma are saying I need to talk about why I’m no longer around with my stepsiblings because none of this is fair on them.
My dad got married six-ish years ago. His wife lost her first husband a year before and she wanted a dad for her two kids who were still basically babies so they married fast and pretended my dad was their dad. The expectation was I’d love them instantly and be so happy to have siblings but I was always indifferent to them. I hated how I went from meeting the woman he was dating to two weeks later being told she was my new mom and I had two siblings and dad was going to be their new dad. They had a rush registry office wedding so everything was planned super fast. And it went from me and dad to five of us.
My dad and his wife lie to my stepsiblings about their bio parentage. They do tell them I’m their half brother because I never called my dad’s wife mom and they knew that would bring up questions. Well that and how I have grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins who aren’t their grandparents and family too. But they really expected me to love those kids instantly and I never really tried to. I started to separate myself from my dad and I spent more time with friends, I went to family members houses more and I stayed in my room a lot more.
There were times I was dragged along for family time and stuff like that but even when I was brought into that I stayed quiet or texted friends on my phone. A few times my dad forced me to babysit but I mostly left them to their own devices as long as nothing dangerous was happening. Other times I made sure I wasn’t caught babysitting.
Even with my distance before I moved out the kids would seek me out and want to hang out or asked me to play with them. There was like two years of that and I always said I was busy. If I was in the office or watching TV they would sit in the room with me. I never ignored them when they’d ask me something but I never tried to make the relationship more. And I never went out of my way to spend time with them. I just never wanted to be the jerk who got up and left when they came into the room or who tried to make them leave. My room was the only place I’d do that because I never liked them in there and I never got angry with them.
Now that I’m gone I know they would ask about me and would likely kill to spend time around me. My dad has tried to make me do it but I just tell him now. Now him and grandma want me to explain stuff to them but with the secret and all, even if I wanted to be kind, I couldn’t do that without leading them on. Because the truth is they could grow up and be independent of my dad and their mom and I would still be indifferent and not want a relationship and because we’re not half siblings, we’re step, it’s not me rejecting blood. But they don’t know.
I don’t even feel like this should be on me. But I know because they’re missing me maybe I should. And with grandma now siding with dad it just made me want to look for what others think I should do.
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How sad their dad was just erased from their lives. They should know, where is their father’s family?
Just tell your dad that you can’t be around them with the lies they told them and that you won’t lie to them about who their father is if asked.
That might get them to leave you alone. Eventually these kids will find out and will be so hurt by everyone around them that lied to them.
I don’t think this is your job to sort out. You do not need to compromise your integrity to keep up the lie your father and his wife insisted on keeping up for your stepsiblings. Talking to your stepsiblings about you moving out and establishing a life for yourself is a parent conversation and a parent responsibility. Don’t let them make you think anything else.
If I were to guess I would think your dad and grandma are hoping pressuring you to have this conversation with your stepsiblings would make you give in – essentially using them being children as a tool to force you to get in line. For family, probably, but I don’t understand why family need to be built on everyone keeping up a very serious lie.
The way your dad introduced his new wife into your life is not good, and it makes sense that it affected you, as well as your relationship to your stepsiblings. I think you are showing great emotional maturity in how restrained you have been and not taken it out on them when they have asked for your company and attention. It’s a tough situation. You shouldn’t be afraid to be honest about your feelings and boundaries with your dad and grandmother, so try explaining again where you are coming from and ask them to respect your stance.
I would tell your dad and grandma that you’ll only talk to them if you’re allowed to discuss the real truth. That being that you are step siblings and your dad is not their dad. Your stepmom is gross to erase her deceased husband from the equation. The kids deserve to know the truth because if they ever do one of those dna tests the truth will come out. Your dad also clearly thought with his dick and not his head if he thought he could just move a bunch of strangers in and have you play Brady Bunch with them.
You didn’t choose any of these people and as a (former) child don’t have any responsibility towards them or to keep up a ridiculous lie unless you want to.
I’d have a serious conversation with your dad only and make it clear that you have no interest or intention to have a relationship with them in the future and will definitely not lie to them. Tell him that if he continues to push, he might loose his only biological son.
You are not responsible for the lies your father and stepmother tell.
Tell yoir grandma: Not my monkeys, not my circus.
They are trying to offload the emotional labor of the conversation onto you so they don’t have to do it. It’s making their life easier, it’s completely not your responsibility. They (your dad and his new wife) made their bed
I reminds me of situation where my boss gave me the choice of when to share some news. I said in 6w. Well 1w later they came to me asking to share immediately because ‘boo hoo’ they were getting asked questions. I wanted to please so I said fine… and deeply regret as all the emotional weight was moved onto me and stayed there for months. Ugh. Be stronger than I ever was!!!
Wow. How sad. Your dad only wants you there for the step siblings. Not because he is your father. And the f at they want to lie and continue the lie will crush his and his wife’s relationship with the step siblings one day.
It’s not your job to maintain an unnecessary lie. Just tell them they need to face reality. One day, these kids are going to find out the truth. And it won’t be pretty. You cannot live a lie. It’s not fair to you. And it’s not fair to the kids. Find out more about your moms and dads extended bio family. Find family there and with friends.
Suggest family counseling just you and your dad to talk about how damaging all of this was. How he forced happy fun fake bio family and how it will end badly for the bio kids and how the lie drove you away. Maybe an unbiased third party can help.
How old are the kids?
The parentals really suck – telling the kids a lie is going to backfire on them.
Why can’t you tell them you left ? And the reason why ?
I would tell dad and grandma that if they keep pushing you to have that conversation then you will and you will tell them the complete truth about everything.