Title: I’m 19 and I feel like I’ve already ruined myself
I don’t really know where to start. I’m 19 and lately I’ve been feeling like something is seriously wrong with me. I’ve been carrying this heaviness for a while, and it’s starting to scare me.
The biggest thing is that I lie. A lot. To everyone. There isn’t a single person in my life I haven’t lied to at some point — friends, family, people I care about. A few months ago I finally realized just how bad it was, and I decided I wanted to stop. Since then, I’ve really tried. I don’t lie casually anymore, and I try to be honest as much as I can. But the problem is… I still lie to cover up the lies I told in the past. I’m terrified that if I tell the truth now, people will see the full picture and realize I’ve been fake all along. I’m stuck in this loop where I lie just to avoid destroying everything. I want to stop, I really do — but I don’t know how to undo the damage without losing everyone.
My daily routine is a mess too. I don’t exercise. I’m overweight and I’ve failed every attempt to lose the weight. I spend 7–8 hours a day on my phone, mostly scrolling TikTok mindlessly. I hate how much time I waste, but I keep doing it anyway. I feel like I’m watching my life pass me by in a haze of distraction.
Then there’s weed. I started smoking in August 2024 and now I smoke every single day. I try to justify it by saying I only do it at night when I’ve “finished everything” — but most days, I haven’t done anything worth finishing. My tolerance is high now, so it doesn’t even feel like it does much anymore, but I still reach for it. It feels like I’m running away from myself.
And the part that hurts the most… the girl.
Last summer I went on a trip and met this amazing girl. We clicked right away. She made me feel seen in a way I never had before. I didn’t have the courage to make a move at first, but when she came to my city later that month, she invited me out. I joked that I wouldn’t go unless she ordered me an Uber — and to my surprise, she actually did. That night, we kissed. It was my first kiss. And I thought maybe, just maybe, I had a chance with her.
We spent a few more nights together — holding hands, laughing, getting close. Looking back, I think she was waiting for me to make another move, but I was too scared. Then she left, and I haven’t really spoken to her since. We’ve barely texted. It’s been a year, and I still think about her every single night. I keep thinking: what if that was my only shot at something real?
I feel like I missed my moment. I can’t stop thinking about her, but she’s gone, and I haven’t met anyone else since. I’m bad at flirting, I don’t know how to talk to girls, and dating apps just feel fake to me. I feel invisible.
Some nights, my thoughts get really dark. I tell myself that if I just stop lying, get healthy, quit smoking, and start fresh — everything will be okay. But then the fear hits me: What if it’s already too late? What if I can’t change? What if I lose my friends and family once they see the real me? What if I’m always going to feel this empty?
I don’t know what I’m hoping for with this post. Maybe I just need to know I’m not the only one. If you’ve ever been through something like this — if you’ve struggled with lying, weed, body image, regret, heartbreak — I’d love to hear from you. Anything helps. I just need to feel less alone.
(This is written with AI but i promise it’s all true, is just that my English is really bad)
Comments
I’m not trying to diagnose you but do you think you could have ADHD? Do you have trauma in your childhood? Also as mental health provider I can guarantee it is NOT too late for you, it’s never too late, I have patients close to 80 years old who have made huge changes and progress in their lives.
I’m not reading all of that, but your only 19 as long as you’re not in jail and you haven’t killed anyone you’re life isn’t ruined yet.
19 is so young! You have time. I was a mess at 19.
Sounds like you’re already trying to change the lying. Don’t tell any more new lies on top of what you have going on, and deal with the existing lies as they come up.
Daily routine is best addressed by building small habits. And start SMALL or you will be overwhelmed and give up. Add 5 minutes of stretching into your morning routine, a walk around the block once a week, and go from there. Pick one small eating habit choice to improve – switch full sugar soda to diet soda, have 2 slices of pizza instead of 3, something small like that where you can commit to it for a month before changing something else.
Find a part time job, or a hobby that gets you off of your phone for part of the day. Put down your phone for an hour a day and read, clean something, learn how to draw, use Duolingo, anything. You will feel better at the end of each day knowing that you have done something productive for yourself.
Using weed at night isn’t too unhealthy. It’s when you’re high all day long where it’s the problem. I’d recommend taking a bit of a tolerance break though, maybe supplement with some CBD to relax instead for a few days each month.
Heartbreak sucks. But now you know you want love in your life, and you have something to work towards. I’ve learned its best to focus on yourself and improving yourself and love will find its way to you eventually, especially once you’re in a better place mentally.
Happy to answer any questions about anything.
R/leaves is a great for trying to quit weed. It’s a support forum where people share success stories, set backs, advice, how to cope, etc!
You’re 19, you have a whole life ahead of you and it’s never too late to change anything in your life, you just have to do it. At this stage any mistakes you made you need to own up to them and whatever comes, comes.
Most people are a “mess” at 19, you’re still sooooo young you have no idea. The jump from 19-24 will happen before you know it, so start now! You’re self aware, that’s step one. Also just tell the girl how you feel. Not too casual but also don’t come off as too much. Maybe a “hey I know it’s been awhile since we talked but I think about you often, how’s life?” Really simple to start reconnecting!
“The biggest thing is that I lie. A lot. To everyone.”
Don’t be hard on yourself – you could become President of the United States!
1st of all, everyone lies. The fact that you recognize it is 75% of the battle. Just teach yourself whenever you catch yourself lying to just say “can you imagine if that did happen” or something along those lines.
2nd of all you need therapy. If you can afford it or you are on your parents insurance just google “therapist near me”, figure out what insurance you have and schedule an appointment.
Everyone in the thread is correct, you are incredibly young and most people don’t want to do something about it until they are 30 so congratulations, you are literally a decade ahead of the curve. Now just take a deep breath, realize it is going to be ok and go get yourself the help you need
There’s plenty of time to go buddy, stop beating yourself up. I was an addict from my first drink and then for 30 years after. I wasted some incredible opportunities and lost so much, but I kept going. Recognizing you have a problem is the hardest step, and most people refuse to be introspective enough to even try.
I got sober over a year ago and already have a job I love and can be proud of, I have my own place, and I’ve begun to reconnect with people I was afraid to even talk to for decades. It has been incredible to know I still have life to live, and someday, hopefully, you feel the same.
Regarding the lying. We all lie to some degree or another. The fact that you’re trying to break the habit shows you want to be better. Once again, most people don’t even bother. I’ve got at least 2 lies, I’ve been telling for 25+ years because, well, that’s where I’m at and telling the truth to won’t help anyone and will hurt me. I’ve told a few people the truth, having gotten sober, and I’ve stopped telling the lies or truth to new people. It still sucks.and.makes me feel bad, but part of getting better is accepting the mistakes we’ve made, owning the lesson they’ve taught, and moving forward.
So long as you’re trying to get better, you already are better than most.
Sounds like you need to follow your intuition: stop lying and smoking weed. You can’t control the past but you’re my son’s age and I know he lies sometimes. At least you’re taking accountability and trying to change. Good job. You’re being really hard on yourself.
About the girl. You’re going to have to learn to let go of certain relationships and one way to do it is build your self esteem. The way you do this is take good care of yourself, work out eat healthy, make friends, build your career. Practice meeting friends and girlfriends. Good luck ❤️and stop beating yourself up please.