Since I learned about my mother’s lies and infidelity when I was 11 my view of relationships has been quite cynical and me myself have become distrustful. I was raised by my grandparents and because of my mild Asperger’s I have been introverted and lived mostly in solitude.
I never had many friends, but all that I currently have enjoy the fruits of a romantic relationship. The idea of having someone you can talk to about your emotions and feel secure with them is so enduring. Having someone who, because of your character, finds you important and worth of loving is something that I believe to be a quite important experience.
I had a “relationship close-call” before, but it didn’t come to fruition because of my reserved nature.
Now, that some time has passed and I’ve gotten some confidence I believe that maybe it would good for me to find someone. But how?
I know it’s a very shallow question, but I prefer to ask it here, rather than on some forum full of bitter jerks (I had enough of those).
Also, sorry for the inconherence – English is not my first language.
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The key is trust and openess. Like it or not, we all carry some tendencies from what influenced us during our upbringing. You’ll want to raise awareness to that and connect to a mentor, coach or therapist to help navigate you away from those tendencies and toward a healthy, happy and honest relationship. I would even tell your partner so they can help to and create even more transparency, trust, and openess. Good luck!
I believe the best way to find a person to be in a relationship with is to find a group that exhibits values you hold. Or could be church, service organization, political activism, etc. hobbies groups could work, but people with all kinds of values have all kinds of hobbies so you may have to be more patient.
Once you are in the organization and helping you will make friends as the friendships grow you will find that someone stands out as being a person you want to connect with deeper. Ask them out to dinner, if it goes well tell them you want to do it again. Then see where things go.
Dating apps and meet up groups are also helpful for some people.
Whatever way you go take things slow, be patient no matter how much you crave the relationship. Rushing in and then finding out it’s not the right person is a common story. And once you get deep enough it is hard to leave.
I know where you are coming from because I am the same way but the situation was a bit different. Anyways, I would recommend to just connect with people by being friends, from there you can build a bond and trust and then later on you can tell if this person is who you want to be with. I know it is slow progress but for me, I prefer to do this because it helps me not get emotionally scarred while the other person gets away with inflicting such heavy pain on me.
Key thing is to not expect things and don’t go mistrusting them right off the bat because you do not know them yet. Be open to learn about the person. It’s important to not make assumptions and be open to communicating with the person.
Love is a feeling—you can’t just force it to happen.
You can’t miraculously find a perfect match either. At least make some friends first, enjoy talking to people, and explore the kinds of people you genuinely like being around.
If you jump into a relationship just because it feels like a good match, you may end up depressed if that person leaves—especially if you don’t have an emotional support system in place. Build friendships that can help ease your emotions first.
You’re only 19—don’t rush things. The rest is up to you. If you want to risk hurting yourself, go ahead. There are many out there who may seem understanding and sweet talkers. It’s easy to get into a relationship, but hard to truly commit to one.
Take your time.
All really good advice here. I can’t stress enough to start by focusing on friendship. Open yourself up to meeting new people and having new experiences. Go with the plan to make friends and see if there are any special attraction sparks with anyone. Maybe try to create some group activities where you can get to know them more b4 asking them on a casual date like coffee or tea or even just window shopping downtown and catching a bite somewhere that you both thing smells good.
Try to broaden your circles thru activities and social groups. If you are religious and have a church, then that is an option, but don’t start going if religion isn’t a big part of your life already. You want a relationship with matching core values, and if you aren’t already a church goer, then that isn’t one of yours long term and that can cause problems.
Are matchmakers part of your culture? You said English isn’t your first language, so if that is a possibility, look there as well.
Extended family may be an untapped resource. Let them know you want to broaden your social network and make more friends. Even a poss relationship.
But I’ve always felt the best thing to do is go out and really try to LIVE life, in capitals. Do things you love and look around at who else is also doing them.
My local community center has short classes on various interests, like cooking or orienteering or knitting or small engine repair – like lawn mowers etc. These are sometimes just single sessions that are cheap, or last a few weeks. A co worker used to take tons of the cooking classes to learn different ethnic recipes and tricks.
Go have some fun and make some friends and be open to more.
First thing to consider is you are not your mother and not everyone cheats. I know I never have and never will. You’ll have good relationships and some bad ones too. I could write a hilarious book about my online dating days.
As for how to go about meeting someone. I know some people that have met their partner online, some met through mutual friends. I met my husband on just another ordinary day. He walked into my coffee shop, we had a really nice conversation as I made his drink and he left. About two weeks later he came back and asked me out. It’ll be 10 years this December. There are people all around us every day. You just have to put yourself out there a little. Maybe join a club for hobbies you’re into or even a church group if that’s something you’re open to. A friend of mine met her husband at a singles night at their church. They’ve been together longer than hubby and I.
Not having parents that model what a healthy relationship looks like doesn’t doom you to a life alone but it does leave you at a disadvantage. Make sure you address trust issues left over from childhood. And always remember you deserve love just as much as anyone else. I genuinely hope you find the person of your dreams that makes you feel lived and safe. Its a great feeling.