I met my girlfriend a year ago and we started dating right after. For the most part our relationship has been very good. We have similar humor, she makes me feel wanted, loved…
However sometimes I doubt the relationship and I doubt if this will last.
Right in the beginning of our relationship a friend/ or an acquaintance of hers was very critical of me and he would call me f’ckboy, rat, you name it. After we became boyfriend and girlfriend she admitted that she thought he was into her, but later she said he was never into her. I did not ask her this she just said that. She later also asked me to stop my friends of making fun of him, which was very weird. I really don’t think she has anything going on with this guy but it was annoying.
She has made comments about my hairline in the past she has stopped now but you don’t forget these things. She has made comments about my height, my body in general even tho I work out. She is annoyed she weighs more than me and that she feels like I am not strong enough to lift her. Most of these are small teases that I don’t care about but every know and then I feel like there is some malicious behind it.
Another weird instance came in the spring; I got an oppurtunity to study at a more prestigous place for 4 months 3 hours away. I would come down and visit her for the most part but she also came up to my place a couple of times. However at a bar where she works part time, a guy who she had a thing with 6 months before we met joined. He joined for three months before she told me he had started working there. Now his girlfriend who also work there hates my girlfriend because she is jealous that they were a thing some time ago. I tried to support her but also thought it was weird she did not tell my right away this guy had started working in the same place as her right away.
I feel like I can get the most annoyed by her when she starts drinking. She can be rude, impulsive. She told my friends that I cried one time. Alcohol really just makes her lose her mind, in a weird way, she does not forget what has happened, she does not black out but she really goes crazy.
Most of these things that I have written now is not that bad but the one thing I can not get out of my mind happened two weeks ago: I was at a party with my friends and she joined as well. Initially she did not really like my best friend but lately she has come around. Back to the story; we were all hanging out being drunk, suddenly she was way more drunk than us. I was just talking to her when I went a couple of feet away to get some more beers and when I turn around I see her completely drooling over my friend. She looked begging, it was so weird, I just stood still actually. I just never thought I would see her look at someone like that that is not me.
It is so weird because sometimes I cannot reconcile this person who will be all over me give me crazy compliments, go out of her way to help me, to just looking like she is in love with my friend. After a while I joined them and she told me she now loves my friend and is not against him anymore.
I trust my friend completely so I know nothing has happened there. She has done crazy things sexually before she met me and I do not care but I just get the feeling that someday she will be so horny she will f’ck something random.
The other night she called my phone at 1 am while she was travelling with her friends, she sent a video of her dancing crazy sexually to me. In the morning I find out she got some older married guys to film her and while I know nothing happened I get so annoyed by this. I thought it was her friends filming her with her g-string hanging out but now I find out she danced like this infront of some old guys?
I feel like I am being ungrateful. If we break up I will never find someone who will connect with me like this. Also it is not like she is ever exhibiting any real signs of cheating, like not answering, she is always writing to me.
All of her friends always tells me how much she loves me and I have met her family a lot of times, she will talk about marriage and moving in toegther. She will also initiate dates on her own, and she seems very commited for the most part. I have been debating this in my head for sometime maybe I am overthinking her being drunk and just saying something stupid to my friend.
I really don’t know if I am being ugrateful, or a partypooper? How do I deal with this situation in a calm and not irrational way?
tl;dr:
Great girlfriend with some issues, I am feeling worn out because of some issues especially when she drinks.
Comments
I mean first things first, have you tried having a candid conversation with her about any of this? Not talking about addressing it in the moment, but genuinely taking time outside of the moment to sit on the bed or at the table and bring it up in a neutral space and privacy.
It’s clear you’ve been “tallying” up the things that bug you about her. It’s always a red flag when someone starts assembling some kind of list of grievances. Not saying YOU are the red flag (nor her), but just that there’s generally something wrong in the relationship when this happens. Anytime an issue arises, sit with it for a day or two and collect your thoughts and ensure you’re not overreacting and if not then address it. When you let these things pile up and try to address them later, it can be overwhelming—like you’ve collected all of this ammunition and are unloading it on her all at once.
I won’t lie that her behavior (at least while drinking) seems a bit erratic. Maybe start there, with one specific issue. Then tackle the rest overtime. Relationships aren’t perfect and it takes a village. Who knows, maybe there’s things she’s holding in too. Communication is fundamental to healthy relationships.
If you have tried talking with her about it and you haven’t seen much progress, then whether you continue in the relationship or not is something only you can answer.
“Great connection” ≠ healthy relationship. Her drunk/disrespectful patterns are red flags. Have a serious talk or walk.
Break up with her. You’re 24 , that’s what you do. Try to work it out in your 30s
Maybe you should talk to her about it carefully and delicately? There is a possibility that she does not understand your feelings about some of her actions.