I met someone on an app about a week ago [length: 1 week] and had the most jaw-dropping instant connection I’ve ever had with anyone. We’ve been inseparable for the last week and I’m just in awe at how special/genuine/nice she is and how well we vibe. We have phenomenal (weirdly innocent?) physical chemistry but have limited it to really intimate touch for like hours without it being overtly sexual.
However, there are some relationship things that we don’t align with that I feel like are normally dealbreakers. The main two are her opinions on having kids and (to a lesser degree) her career/job trajectory (I’m in grad school and while she’s super smart, she did drop out of undergrad and works at a coffee shop). I feel like we could be (already are?) amazing friends and (at least I) have specifically held out on having sex because I don’t want to corrupt something that could be a really strong lifelong friendship (and also the innocent touch/massaging/whispering/etc is something very new/unfamiliar that I’m still very much enjoying in and of itself).
I also admittedly have no idea how this conversation could end up going or how to have it. My intuition says it would be probably as well-received as it could be but I don’t know for sure.
TLDR: very strong connection with someone from an app but not sure a relationship could work out long-term due to life preference/circumstance but would really want to have her still be in my life. what do i do
Comments
here is the thing to consider. some of the best relationships that last a lifetime are with someone who is also a best friend.
The career/job thing is not really as important, as long as she can take care of herself and you can take care of yourself, but I do understand to a point what you are getting at. You want someone with a bit more perceived ambition. Have you asked why she dropped out?
For the kids part, yeah, if you both dont align on that, it is pretty hard, though sometimes people change their minds about kids as they age. It really depends on how much you all like each other and all that.
This is definitely more than friendship based on everything you’ve shared. I’d say this is a situationship.
I think it’s actually a really mature perspective you’re bringing at your age. First, the fact that you’ve already identified life preferences (kids, career, etc.) as potential dealbreakers shows you’re looking ahead instead of just getting swept up in the chemistry. That’s step one. Step two is that you’ve held back on escalating the intimacy even though you could have, which shows restraint and clarity.
If you want her in your life long-term as a friend, the tricky part is how to “shift down” from romance to friendship. Right now she probably feels a romantic pull toward you, so asking to move to friendship could easily bruise her ego. That’s why I think the better play is to first demonstrate the value of you as a friend: long conversations, helping her with problems, showing up consistently, building that emotional connection outside of physical intimacy. Once she’s seen what that looks like, then you can say, “Hey, I think we’d be amazing as friends. Here are the areas where we don’t quite align.”
If you just go straight to “let’s be friends” now, she may not see the upside of keeping you in her life. But if you build that foundation first, it’ll be easier for her to accept and respect the friendship.