I (25F) met this guy (31M) in January. He pursued me at a healthy pace, didn’t love bomb me, and his personality was consistent. About 3 weeks ago now, he officially asked me to be his girlfriend. He takes me grocery shopping because I told him my hours were decreased at work, sends me money to get my nails done, my hair done, respects my need for alone time,buys me food, and takes me out on wonderful thoughtful dates that he planned and thought of on his own. I understand this is the honeymoon phase, which is why I’m afraid that he is too good to be true and I’m self sabotaging instead of just enjoying it. He goes above and beyond for me and doesn’t expect anything in return. I do feel worthy of a healthy relationships, but when something is so good it raises my anxiety a bit. I do notice that he goes above and beyond for his mom and dad, and his brother too. I think this is just the way he shows care/love. How can I stop self sabotaging?
TL;DR: new boyfriend is so incredible that it is setting off my anxiety because I’m afraid he’s too good to be true.
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I was this same guy just like how you described it for 2 years until I found out she been cheating on me the whole time half way through the relationship. Yes this is irrelevant.
I would say keep doing what you doing but also don’t shy away from showing how much you like him otherwise he might think you are the avoidant type. My ex was the avoidant and I never got over the sting when I found out she did me dirty.
How to not miss up? Respect his boundaries, stay loyal and keep doing what you doing but also try to do stuff for him too. Don’t make it that only he’s putting in more effort, and making him spend more cause that will dry up quick.
Recognize that if his behavior does change, you can have a conversation about it. And if the conversation isn’t resolved in a way that seems consistent with his earlier behavior, i.e. he becomes distant or cruel, you still have the power to end the relationship at any point.
Love requires taking a chance, it is never guaranteed by following a laundry list of steps. It could just be the honeymoon phase, or he could be the love of your life. But you can’t read his mind, all you can do is observe his actions and his words and respond accordingly.
“I do feel worthy of a healthy relationship” – this doesn’t ring true to your actions, there is obviously something going on if you feel the need to self sabotage. For one, you should really go to therapy to deal with this, or if you want afford therapy right now, at least read some books on self esteem or healthy relationships.
And secondly, the only way to deal with it is to do what you think it’s right. If this man is truly such a loving wonderful person, what does he deserve back? The same energy. What he doesn’t deserve is for someone who is self sabotaging to be treating him less than. Step up and be the partner he deserves, because he is being the partner that you deserve. 🙂
I would be hesitant to accept so much financial support so early on. It can mean that you stay past the point you should, or ignore red flags because you know you’ll take a financial hit by leaving.
It can also mean he feel like he can’t end things if he wanted to, because he’s worried about the financial position it puts you in.
Find a second part time job. Let this dating just be dating, and not be intertwined with money.
His going above and beyond could be something called “overfunctioning.” It can come from a sense of getting his self worth from helping other people. It can feel good initially, but it can also mean he’s attracted to people who don’t have their lives together so he can have a role in their life. It means he can’t find what he’s supposed to be doing if he’s not overfunctioning, or have a hard time saying no to someone who asks him for help.
It tends to be kind of unsustainable because it means that he needs you to always be dependent in order to feel good. And it can mean he doesn’t know how to relax and accept help back.
Either way, it feels good in the moment it doesn’t make for a good foundation for a relationship. I say this as the person who was the overfunctioner in the relationship.
I would tell him that you appreciate all he does, but you want to focus on getting to know him and your dating, and leave money out of it. Look for a part time job, ask family for a loan, but don’t ruin a possibly good thing by introducting this dynamic so quickly. Wait until you’re married to combine finances, and wait until you’re living togetehr to help each other out with money.
A good relationship CAN actually be good. But this should be a red flag, not a sign of how good of a person he is. Have good boundaries. And make sure he has good boundaries too. If he can’t stop overfunctioning, he will have a really hard time accepting your boundary and the issue will come up naturally on its own.
You’re getting the best version of him right now. Enjoy it! That doesn’t mean it’s not the real him; his warts just having come out yet. Assuming that your self-sabotage is just internal and you aren’t outwardly acting in negative ways, just remind yourself that this seems to be a genuine reflection of who he is. He treats he closest loved ones this way, too. Enjoy the ride but don’t spiral if and when you see things that aren’t as perfect but still in the realm of normal.
This is how my fiancé was when we started dating. He hasn’t changed, he’s just a very good person who really loved me. It made me anxious too. He would drive very far everyday to pick me up and drop me off at home, and he did so knowing his car didn’t have enough charge (EV). So, he’d pretend it was okay, drop me off, then go sit for an hour or two and charge the car nearby.
Some people are just very loving.
He sounds like a nice guy. Stop trying to over analyze his behaviors for malicious intent. Always no matter who you are with, keep an eye out for toxic behaviors. But don’t keep yourself deprived of happiness by seeking them out when they aren’t there.
The fact that he’s equally kind and thoughtful of his family members is a great sign. He may just very well be a good guy.
He reminds me of my boyfriend. He also goes above and beyond to make me happy. It sounds like your man is a dream come true. However, if his behavior begins to change then you can talk about it. His actions towards his family is most likely because he loves them. It honestly sounds like his way of showing love is helping someone (financially, etc.). If you’re still worried, then you can sit down with him and talk about your worries.
The free flowing money is a bit suspicious
Nope. Totally disagree. Red flag. Never EVER trust the “nice guy” they are the worst ones. I would be very cautious.
How do you feel about him though? He can be all kinds of incredible but if there’s not a spark then maybe that’s why you feel awkward. Are you really self sabotaging or is this just a good guy that you’re not feeling it with him romantically?
Yeah… But is his place a wreck? I mean, there’s gotta be something. I’d never trust it otherwise.
When you figure out what it is though, never forget that the real prize in a man is his good heart. If he works and loves hard, leads with love in everything, and gives grace to others freely, weigh that heavily against anything else.
The only things youve listed about him being incredible is that he pays for you…. is that literally it?
What about what’s not being said in that hes 31 dating a 25 year old? No one his own age will date him so he has to drop his age limit so people his own age dont see his red flags? Including sending you money this early? Why is he so desperate to get his hooks in you when he barely knows you? Normal people would not lend money when knowing you for a few months with no expectations of it being returned.
I think his love language is doing things for people. As time goes on and the honeymoon fades he may do less, and that is okay. Things can be exaggerated in the honeymoon phase. When it decreases by a large amount, then you should have a conversation. He seems like he is in a good place financially and sees it as an easy thing he can provide.
it’s great that you’re asking the question!
what my father always told me, one partner needs to be putting in 60% of the effort, but both partners should be trying to be the one putting in 60%.
So something is broken and you need a project? I have a hard time understanding where the problem is here. when there’s someone who understands relationships and the importance to prioritize the other person enough to be present and there to serve a love bigger than themselves., then you found the real deal.