We have been together 4 years and are getting married in 2 months. We have a wonderful relationship, with hardships and fights like every normal relationship, but we are overall very happy and work together well.
About 8 years ago I was sexually assaulted, a very awful situation and thing that happened. I have healed a lot in these years, and I’m proud of my progress. My fiancé has been a big support to me, and knows everything that happened and has talked through it with me extensively.
For a little context before I get to my issue, we have a very healthy and active sex life. We usually have sex every day, sometimes a couple times a day. We also both enjoy him waking me up in the night to have sex rarely, and I’ve given him permission to initiate sex when I’m sleeping as long as I don’t have to wake up the next day early for work and we are in a good place emotionally. So we’ve had sex a few times in the last year, where he woke me up to have sex and I actively participated in it.
He has always made me feel very safe and is attentive to my needs/reservations. There have been a handful of times where I got triggered, and he noticed me shutting down during sex immediately and stopped and talked with me.
Which brings me to this. A few days ago, we had a pretty big fight over something unrelated, and basically we came to a place where we knew we needed to just go to sleep and talk more about it the next day. I was very upset over the fight and felt like he didn’t validate my emotions at all, and was hurting but hopeful we would work it out the next day.
I woke up in the middle of the night, after our bad fight and hurt feelings, to him having sex with me. It really triggered me in the moment since we had just been fighting, and he was having sex with me from behind and wasn’t touching/kissing me which he usually does. I wanted him to stop, but I couldn’t tell him to stop because it immediately reminded me of my past sexual assault and I froze. So I just laid there still, and at several points even tried to shift him off of me, but he kept going til he finished. Afterwards I got up and cried in the bathroom.
Here’s my problem. I’m not suggesting he sexually assaulted me, because we are in a loving relationship, but I felt like he knew I didn’t want to have sex and we were fighting, and chose to finish anyways. The next day I was really upset and I decided to ask him if he knew I didn’t want to have sex even though I didn’t verbally tell him no. He said he did. He told me he knew I was awake, and knew I wasn’t moving/participating and chose to continue anyways. He said he made a mistake, and disrespected me and chose wanting sex over me. I told him that it really triggered me, and even though he didn’t “rape me”, it felt like my body was being assaulted because I completely shut down and froze. I’m absolutely horrified that my future husband could do something like this, knowing what brutal things have happened to me in the past. Since then, he’s apologized but also seems defensive and made a comment about how I don’t understand how hard it is to be a man and “control his sexual desire”.
I am devastated. I feel so anxious and hurt and told him I need some time to process before we keep having sex. But now im worried about our future and what happens if I actually asked him to stop or I wasn’t in the mood and he did it anyways. I’m rethinking getting married, even though he told me he regrets it and feels like a monster and has apologized. He just broke my trust. Is this worth reconsidering the marriage?
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THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RAPE. Rape happens even in loving relationships. My ex husband raped me multiple times in our marriage. RUN. Get out now!!!!! He does not respect you and you deserve BETTER.
I’m almost positive this counts as rape. Even though you guys have blurred lines, he made it very clear the line was not blurred that night. He knew you didn’t want it and did it anyway. You didn’t say no, but you tried to stop him and he noticed, but didn’t stop. Marital rape is a thing for a reason, just because you love each other doesn’t make it okay. Him being there for you in the past doesn’t make what he did any less real.
That being said, this is a complicated situation for you. If aren’t already get into therapy asap with someone who specializes in trauma. Potentially delay the marriage until you can work through this. It would be terrible to realize your trust is irrevocably broken after you sign the papers.
Stop telling yourself it isn’t, when everything in you is telling you it is.
Praying for your healing.
Hey, OP, I’m genuinely really sorry to hear this. As a SA survivor, I understand exactly how you are feeling and unfortunately how scary something like this is. I want to make something clear: what he did would be classified as sexual assault (rape) in almost any courtroom in America. I don’t want to invalidate how you feel, because I’ve been in almost the exact same situation, all the way up to my partner minimizing an assault as a “mistake”. I want to leave you with a few questions to ask yourself, and hopefully they will help you. Looking at your relationship objectively, do you think that you can be 100% certain that something like this won’t ever happen again? Why would somebody choose sex over the person who they want to commit their life too’s safety, even once? Men aren’t animals: we are people, and people make decisions. I would never , EVER, make the decision to sexually assault my partner, no matter how mad I felt. I hope that you find yourself in a safer environment soon. I hope that he can change, that he can recognize what he has decided to do to the person he claims to love the most. But as it stands right now, under the law, your partner is a rapist. I am sorry.
Consent is not the absence of a “no”, but is about active participation. He knew you wouldn’t like it and prioritized his want of sex. You had clear rules he broke and he did it knowingly and seemingly to punish you for the fight. This is major red flags and I think does require a lot of reflection on patterns in your relationship!!!
Firstly I’m so sorry you have had such a traumatic experience in the past, you’re incredibly brave and strong so never forget that.
To address your fiancés behaviour – what he did was sexual assault. You were not conscious to consent and also he has admitted that he knew you did not want this. That is a horrendous thing to do to someone you care about even without out your history to contend with. Just because you are in relationship doesn’t mean it’s not assault – in fact most people who are raped are assaulted by someone they know and a high proportion the perpetrator is their partner.
He violated your trust and safety and acknowledges that he did this – he then goes on to say ‘you don’t know how hard it is for men to control their sexual desire’. What utter bollocks – most men manage perfectly well let’s face it.
This is someone you are about to pledge your life to and they are violating you in the worst way with little remorse, this is a huge red flag. This is someone you would be relying on, potentially having children with, building a home and future for life.
If he’s doing this now the chances are it will only escalate and you will be in a really dangerous position – please really consider removing yourself from the relationship ❤️❤️❤️
So yeah, this is rape. Most SA victims are assaulted by someone they know, including people they are in loving relationships with. He knowing violated you without your permission or consent and chose to carry it out anyway, and it sounds like he did this vindictively, considering you had just had a bad fight. He feels like a monster because he is a monster. It’s also not hard to be a man. We literally live in a patriarchy where men get away with this everyday, including him right now.
Yes, it’s worth reconsidering your marriage over. If you marry him now all it will teach him is that he can do this again and there will be no real consequences for him. Maybe he was great up until this point. Or maybe this is just his first time doing this with you, but not his first time doing it. Whatever the case, he’s shown you who he truly is, and I think you are right not to trust or marry someone who argues it’s so hard to control his ‘sexual desire’ in defense of raping you.
I’m really really sorry you’ve experienced this. This is totally unacceptable. You need to come to terms with the fact he did rape you. ‘He chose wanting sex over me’. He chose to rape you. He knew you didn’t want to and didn’t care. He knew he didn’t have your consent and didn’t care. He used your body for his own means, talking about ‘how hard it is to control your urge as a man’ is a cope out that should tell you everything you need to know. He is NOT apologetic in the slightest. Please please leave and please if you can report this. Your body felt like it was assaulted because IT WAS! I’m really sorry he weaponised your past experience against you. Someone who loves you would never ever do this. I’m married and unless I’ve literally woken up in the middle of the night and he KNOWS I’m awake he NEVER starts having sex with me. Who does that? He is an evil man. RUN!
He did sexually assault you. He also used the excuse that he’s a man with needs. That’s pretty pathetic behavior on his end. I hope you don’t marry this guy. At minimum you need to pause the wedding. Otherwise you’ll be back here in a year with another story of – well your his wife and he has needs.
He could have taken care of himself, instead he chose to hurt you. He’s not a safe person.
I am so sorry! I hate to tell you this but he SA/raped you. It doesn’t matter that you are in a relationship or that you’ve been ok and given him permission/participated in the past no matter how many times. You did not give him permission THIS time.
“I woke up to him having sex with me.” This is rape
“At several points I even tried to shift him off of me but he kept going until he finished.” This is rape.
Afterwards you went and cried in the bathroom. He did not come to you immediately. There was no confusion on what he did. The next day you asked him if he knew you didn’t want to have sex. He said he did. This is rape.
“He knew I was awake and knew I wasn’t moving/participating and chose to continue anyway” this is rape.
“He said he made a mistake and disrespected me and CHOSE WANTING SEX OVER ME” this is rape.
“He’s apologized but also seems defensive” he feels justified and doesn’t like you having feelings about him choosing sex over making you know you are loved and safe.
It doesn’t matter how difficult it might be to control sexual desire. This is not about desire. It was about control, domination and taking what he wanted without caring what it would do to you.
Do not try to make excuses or reframe this because you were in a relationship. This man cannot be trusted. This man raped you and I am so sorry! You didn’t deserve to be assaulted in the past and you didn’t deserve it now. Please get out! Please get help!
It’s worth breaking up over because he told you he would do it again. That’s what “it’s hard to control my sexual desire” means. If he made that choice once he will make it again given the opportunity. He is not a safe person. Not for you, not for anyone sleeping next to him.
This is not okay no matter the relationship status. CONSENT is required. This is assault!! I’m so sorry you had to go through that! Especially when he knows you’re a SA victim, he should put in extra efforts to get your consent- however “uncontrollable” his urge. And the fact that he got “kinda” defensive after confrontation tells all that you need to know now. You were right about refusing sex sometime in the future. There’s no guarantee he would control his “urges” in the future and you will end up constantly in a fear-state.
Please seek therapy and step away from this relationship ASAP. Someone who cares about you will be mindful of not hurting you at any point let alone during an argument. Please run, You don’t deserve this love. You deserve a safe space♥️
OP, regardless of whether or not you come to see this as SA, you said it yourself: he broke your trust. That is the HARDEST thing to repair in a relationship, and that alone is an extremely valid reason to reconsider the marriage.
Once during sex with my now-husband, I started having a panic attack in the heat of things. By the time I myself realized, he had already noticed something was wrong and was pulling me out of the bed to a cold shower to help calm me down. Without me having to say ANYTHING.
Your fiancé knew your boundaries, crossed them, and the fact that he’s so defensive afterwords instead of wanting to put his all into working through this together is a MASSIVE RED FLAG. I’m sure you want your future husband to care so deeply for your physical and emotional wellbeing that he could never dream of hurting you like this. I think a therapist could really help you process your feelings on this and come to a conclusion on what you want your marriage to have that you may or may not see with him.
Best of luck, best of healing, and I hope the best for you darling ❤️
I’m so sorry OP that you suffered this at the hands of someone you love, and who claims to love you.
But I’m gently, and with compassion, going to disagree with some things you wrote.
> I’m not suggesting he sexually assaulted me
Yes he did
> because we are in a loving relationship,
Makes no difference. He knew you were awake and not participating therefore not giving consent.
> I decided to ask him if he knew I didn’t want to have sex even though I didn’t verbally tell him no. He said he did
That’s rape. Marital rape exists. Tape within relationships exists.
> He told me he knew I was awake, and knew I wasn’t moving/participating and chose to continue anyways.
The callousness and premeditation here is chilling. Be afraid.
> He said he made a mistake,
Most abusers start out apologising. But then continue with escalating abuse.
> even though he didn’t “rape me”,
Yes he did.
> it felt like my body was being assaulted
Because it was.
> I completely shut down and froze.
That’s a trauma reaction.
Be afraid OP. This is a man with whom you’ve shared your trauma, your deepest vulnerabilities, a man who you have trusted with your healing journey, and he deliberately and knowingly carried out the same act that gave you the original trauma. Be very afraid.
I’m sorry you had such a horrible life changing experience. I don’t think it’s safe for you mentally to give someone permission to have sex with you when you’re asleep.
It’s also really hard for another person to judge how someone is doing mentally, in order to know whether it’s ok enough to initiate while you’re asleep. So I don’t think you should allow that in relationships.
If he knew you weren’t consenting and started / continued, that’s rape plain and simple.
When someone forces themself on you WITHOUT YOU HAVING CONSENTED (which you didn’t do because you were sleeping) it is rape. It doesnt’ matter that this has occured before, or that you ‘usually don’t mind’ etc. What matters is that in this case he raped you because he didn’t get consent. You are worth more and this man will absolutely reverse all your progress with his entitlement to your body.
He doesn’t regret having non-consensual sex with you, he regrets that you took offense at it and are holding him accountable, or he wouldn’t have said a thing.
Honey. He raped you.
Aside from all the other red flags that other comments have pointed out, this right here: “don’t understand how hard it is for a man and control his sexual desire.” YIKES. That alone should be a dealbreaker. That’s a lot to unpack even with no history of SA.
He’s disgusting.
He got angry and decided to punish you by raping you. He knows your history.
He knew when you awakened. He knew you didn’t want to have sex. He knew that you were frozen in fear.
He decided to make you suffer that night and sex was the weapon he used against you.
Don’t marry this man. You should actually file charges.
I want you to understand this, gently.
This is not a healthy loving relationship. This isn’t a loving relationship where you are in a “good place emotionally”.
This is toxic. He assaulted you. He raped you.
You should definitely end this engagement. You should leave to a safe place.
First off, I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for you. That’s horrible and disgusting, and I’m sorry you had to endure rape at the hands of someone you think loves you.
This is rape hun. He admitted to it. And not that ANY of it is your fault, but I really don’t understand this new trend of you can have sex with me when I’m sleeping?!! Sex is between two consenting adults, which no one can do when you are asleep.