TLDR: Been with my boyfriend (23M) for nearly 3 years. He didn’t take action on job/relationship plans for a long time and only started making changes after I had a serious talk about being unhappy. Whilst I appreciate his effort now, I feel emotionally checked out, and I’m not sure the spark is still there. Feeling torn about whether to stay or go.
Hi everyone. I’m feeling really conflicted and would appreciate some advice on whether I’m being asshole about my relationship and it possibly ending. Please be kind as I’m autistic and tend to feel things deeply, and this has been a hard thing to process.
For context, my boyfriend and I became official in September 2022, but it started in a messy way. We had been chatting on IG while he was still technically with his ex (who had cheated on him). He insisted the relationship was over emotionally but hadn’t yet made a clean break. A week after we became official, he and his ex kissed while he was picking up his things from her place. I didn’t find out about that until a few months later. They stayed in contact for a while after that too, even though I told him it made me uncomfortable, but he did stop talking to her.
Because it was September, he went back to uni soon after that, so we didn’t have a typical dating phase. Just two dates, then mostly staying over at each other’s places. When he graduated, we began having serious conversations about the future, including marriage and kids. I was ready; he wasn’t quite there financially, but we agreed to meet halfway on the timeline. That said, he didn’t apply for any jobs after uni, because he wanted to take a break from the stress of it. I supported that, but encouraged him to start looking in the new year, which he agreed to but didn’t follow through.
Fast-forward to now and we’ve been together almost three years. But since April, I’ve been feeling really unhappy. Until recently, he was working a zero-hour contract job and had only applied for one full-time job, despite our agreement to live together and eventually buy a house. Because of his long hours, he says he’s too tired to job hunt. He also says he doesn’t want a conventional job and wants to work in music production, but he rarely takes any real steps in that direction either. I’ve made lots of suggestions (even related to that field), but he always finds an excuse.
He also recently told me he’d be fine if I were the breadwinner, so he could have time to build his own business. That was a red flag for me; I don’t mind supporting a partner at times, but I want someone who wants to build a life together and be equally committed to it.
On top of that, we’ve been partly living together (he sleeps over a lot), but we barely spend any quality time together. He comes home late when I’m already asleep and leaves early. When I brought this up, his response was essentially, “This is what my life would be like in production,” as if I should just accept it. We sometimes go on dates, but when I try to plan something, he often flakes or doesn’t follow through. He also rarely asks about me anymore.
A specific moment that really hurt: I’ve been working on a novel (a lifelong dream), and I told him about my progress, including my website and socials. The other day I said I’d nearly finished chapter one, and he asked, “chapter one of what?”, which just made me feel invisible.
I was considering ending things, but I wanted to give him a chance, so I initiated a serious conversation last week. I told him I was unhappy and that things needed to change. I brought up time together, his job situation, his negativity, and whether we still want the same things. I was careful to express how I felt, rather than blaming him. He started out defensive and reluctant, but eventually agreed to some suggestions I had.
Since then, he has started making changes; he applied for a full-time job, he texts to ask about my day and even planned a couple of dates. All good things, but I’m conflicted. These were all things I had brought up months ago and he ignored. It’s left me thinking, would he have ever made these changes if I hadn’t spelt it all out in a serious conversation?
Right now, I want to feel happy about the changes he’s making, and I am trying. I’m doing small things to keep the spark going, like getting him his favourite snacks, suggesting time together, but it feels like I’m already halfway out. The emotional gap between us feels big. We don’t have a lot in common anymore, and I feel like he consistently brings me down emotionally with his negativity and cynicism. We also come from very different backgrounds and communicate in different ways.
There’s another hard truth I’m dealing with: I’ve caught myself feeling drawn to other people. I’ve never acted on it, but it makes me wonder if that’s a sign my feelings for my boyfriend have faded. Maybe I’ve outgrown this relationship.
All this to say, I don’t think he’s a bad person. He’s kind, and I truly believe he cares about me and our relationship. But I’m not sure if I still feel in this anymore. Whilst he’s trying now, I can’t shake the feeling that it’s too little, too late and that he’s only changed when he’s about to lose something.
I know this is a long post, but I needed to get this off my chest and hear some outside perspectives. Have you been in a similar situation? What helped you make the decision? I don’t want to regret walking away or staying in something that’s no longer fulfilling.
Thank you for reading. Please be kind, I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to figure this out with honesty and care.
Comments
You’ve been begging him to show up for years and now he’s only doing it because you threatened to leave. That’s not growth, that’s panic with a side of bare minimum.
by the sounds of it, he isn’t interested in the commitment of a relationship and im suspicious of his comments of you being the breadwinner – you’re completely correct that it’s a red flag, did he come from a spoilt background? to me, he sounds as if he’s never really had to try so he hasn’t. personally, if you are unsatisfied, doubting the relationship and making sacrifices on the life you want I dont see the relationship getting better especially from his end. most people that want to start a business work for themselves a bit to save some money and maybe have people chip in to help, or get a loan not expect their partner to instantly be a breadwinner for them.
you deserve a happy life, in a house you want with kids of your own that you love while working your dream job. not waiting around for someone who isn’t ready to put work in for their own dreams or relationship. goodluck.
You’re not wrong for feeling conflicted this is a big emotional fork in the road, and you’re handling it with a lot of thought and heart. It’s okay to appreciate the changes he’s making and still feel like something’s missing. If the spark is gone and you’re feeling more alone than supported, it’s a sign to listen to your gut. Sometimes people only step up when they feel you pulling away but that doesn’t mean you have to stay just because they finally did. You deserve a relationship that feels consistently aligned, not just patched together when it’s on the edge.
Do you have a boyfriend, or do you have a new child of your own who doesn’t want to transition into independence?
Partnerships require partners, not parasites.