i (27f) live with my mom. i am currently looking for work but unemployed and cannot afford to move out in the area i’m in. kids also live with their parents well into adulthood in my culture so it’s not an issue.
recently started seeing someone (27m) and she won’t allow me to stay over at his house. he’s met my family already and i’ve met his family too. i was never allowed to date in high school and when i had my first bf in my 20s, she’s acted in the same protective way.
i am wondering about others experiences because i feel really grown and that i should be able to make my own choices but i need to obey them as long as i live under her roof.
my question is are my feelings valid or does she have every right to have these rules towards me?
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I don’t know how to help you unless you’re actually willing and able to walk away if she doesn’t listen to you.
I think she Is acting like this because she is scared of you getting pregnant and you don’t have a job. Maybe get a job and see if it changes anything. Normally, i call a parent like this overstepping. But i dont blame her not wanting you sleep over at a boyfriend’s. Maybe try talking out with her, and let her explain herself? Why come on here like any of us know why she acting like that. Ask her.
Your feelings are valid. My “kid” turned 18 she had her first bf at 17, of course she’s not allowed to oficially necessarily stay over at this point but she went on a trip with his family and he will be coming to a family trip with us🤷♀️. I have loosen up rules as she ages, but 27 is full blast adulthood so yes, you’re feelings are valid – this coming from a mother
It sounds like your back is against the wall until you can support yourself and move out.
Clearly it is an issue or you wouldn’t be on reddit. Move out and get a job
I mean you are valid in feeling the way you feel and technically she can’t force you to do anything as you are an adult but seeing as she is giving you a free ride she could also decide to kick you out of her home or some other such measure and you wouldn’t have much of a leg to stand on.
I know getting a job isn’t always easy it just seems like right now you should take some of your frustration and focus it on making enough money to support yourself instead of getting a boyfriend.
Both. Your feelings are valid and also she had a right to make rules for her house. If she really would kick you out for spending the night away you probably better not. I wouldn’t risk being homeless to sleep next to a man.
Hey, thanks for sharing! It sounds like your mom is being too controlling of you and your life. Her actions far succeed being protective. You are nearly 30 years old and your mom believes she has the right to be overly intrusive in your dating life just because you live under her roof. Living in your mom’s house doesn’t give her the special privilege of being overly intrusive.
At the same point in time, I can understand how complex the circumstance can be. If she’s done this behavior for your whole life it sounds like, and you suddenly start to try to establish clear boundaries with her while also living under her roof, I could understand how difficult the transition can be. What sucks is that by being “protective”, she’s damaging a relationship with her daughter.
My mom found out i had a boyfriend in a hard way and we were only in the relationship for less than a year at that moment. My stepfather loves to dig around my room and found a polaroid of me and my boyfriend. Theres were things started to get messy. My mom even texted him about how mad she was and how she did not want us to be together. but my boyfriend took his time to text her back on how much i meant to him and now we are 3 years into the relationship with my moms approval. Communication is a must so maybe try talking things out with your mom.
I feel ya, really understand wanting to spread those wings and fly on your own terms… it’s a major life milestone.
Idk man my parents required boyfriends to sleep in separate rooms until we were married when we were at their house. Seems like if you’re living with mom in the traditional way you also gotta pretend not to have sex before marriage (or actually wait, your business)
I grew up an immigrant multi-generational living situation. In my case the experience harmed me because my elders were very controlling. They made me feel like I had to ask for permission, they told me what I could and could not do, Etc. This infantilized me. That means that they actually stunted my growth emotionally. I had to move out, and become 100% independent, for me to be able to manage my own life without asking. I had to become a 100% financially independent, because I knew the moment I asked for help, I gave him permission to control me again. Even moving out was difficult, I had to sneak out. Had I told them that I was moving out, it would have been a family discussion, and they would have try to prevent it.
I am really really glad I made that choice for myself. Even when I was living by myself, I would find myself making decisions and internally be thinking how am I going to tell my family about this are going to be mad. I had to learn how to be a full grown adult and make decisions for myself, and take accountability of those decisions, good or bad.
The only way that you can do what you want in life, is if you do the same. And yes, while you’re under their roof, they get to tell you what happens in their home. You can fight against it, but that’s part of infantilization, you’re literally a 27-year-old woman acting like a 16 year old, throwing a tantrum because you’re an adult and want to act like it, but they won’t let you be that