TL;DR: Female friends have confessed their feelings for me and slowly ghost after I turn them down.
Hey there. So for context, I’m (28f) autistic and often struggle a lot with social cues. I know this has certainly caused confusion in some relationships, as sometimes, things like this take place: I can’t tell if someone’s joking, so I go along with what I think is safe to bet as a joke. Sometimes people flirt with me, and I often don’t take it as anything more than “oh, this person is just playing around.” I genuinely can’t tell when someone is romantically interested in me for CERTAIN, unless they blatantly tell me. My past romantic relationships have usually developed because the person has flat-out told me they’re interested in me. I miss audio cues, visual cues, all the cues. Sometimes it’s in romantic context but other times it’s in conflict, for example I’m often not sure if someone is mad at me or not.
Two months ago I got into a relationship, and honestly, it’s the happiest, safest and most fulfilling relationship I’ve ever been in. My partner (32m) knows I’m autistic and patiently helps me navigate the stressors that come with it. As another example, I ALSO, genuinely did NOT know they had feelings for me until our 4th date, despite them thinking they were being clear about it. When they told me their feelings, I was happy because I felt the same.
I’ve had a best friend, we’ll call her Alisha (29f) for the past year. Our friendship was a slow burn at first but over time, myself and her life partner would spend time together. I should note, Alisha and her life partner and her are not romantically involved, it’s domestic. I just bring this up for clarification. But we’d all spend time together, and soon after this, just her and I would spend time together. I’d wing-woman for her, she’d wing-woman for me (before I got into a relationship.) We would do what I thought was “play flirting”, like smacks on the bum, kisses on the cheeks, silly pickup lines. But after a while, she began expressing ideas of integrating me into her and her partners life, in her words, “Not saying it would happen, but I’m saying one day if it did, I’ve thought about it.” On my end, I could have asked for clarification. While I wondered if there were romantic undertones, I didn’t want to assume intent. I took this to heart as my best friend just wanting me to be deeper involved in her life. Fast forward, two months into my current relationship, she confessed she’s happy for me, but very jealous. She said she’s sad that she didn’t move quicker, and that my relationship is moving forward. She said she feels sad. I told her I loved her very much, and that she’s my best friend, and that I’d always prioritize us even with me being in a relationship. It was a good heart to heart I felt.
Last night I asked if she wanted to do a double date and play some pool, and she sent a message this morning saying she didn’t want to be involved when my partner and I are together. She said she thinks it’s better this way. She said she likes him but it’s hard for her and she wants to feel prioritized. I totally understand the worry of feeling like a third wheel, but my partner and I have hung out with friends before and aren’t clingy like that, we value independence and autonomy. We’re there for our friends, you know? It just….made me sad that the two most important people to me weren’t going to exist in the same room together. But I have to respect that. Anyway, I write all this to say, I think Alisha has begun pulling away. I feel this way because….
This has happened before. Like, four times before. I’ve had a close female friend, they say what I interpret as jokes, I get into a relationship, they confess feelings for me, and when I clarify that it’s not returned but that I love them, they slowly ghost until I don’t hear from them again. Female friendships are hard for me due to a lot of childhood experiences, and when I do build a strong connection with a female friend it means the world to me that I’m able to feel accepted and safe. I am wondering what I’m doing, I’m wondering my accountability in this because I do want to take it if I can, and I’m just wondering what I can do better. My heart should be celebrating but I feel sad, and I’m a bit downtrodden with these experiences. I think I don’t understand female-to-female friendship dynamics, I just know how I show up and I try to be a good friend but I think I’m missing something. One female friend told me “You lead me on and then rejected me” because she had made jokes about us dating one day. This was also followed by them saying “if you can’t hit on your friends they’re not your friends.”
What does everyone think about this?