I’m (28F) thinking of leaving my bf (30M) but questioning whether it’s salvageable

Feeling a bit lost and unsure of myself, so like all normal healthy people in 2025 I’m turning to Reddit. Gag. This will be a novel. It may also be chaotic and unorganized. Sorry in advance.

TLDR/to the point:
I’m (28F) thinking of leaving my partner (30M) because I feel emotionally, intellectually and financially exhausted. We’ve been together 5 years, and have lived together for 3. We’re both graduate students at the same university.

The self-doubt:
I’ve been so invested in making this relationship work, I’m questioning whether it’s salvageable.

Staying feels wrong. Leaving feels wrong. I’m stuck. There are several issues.

I. Finances and Labour

It feels like I’m more dedicated to working and being financially stable than he is. He worked full-time through the summers and part-time through the school year for the first three years of our relationship, so I assumed we were on the same page in terms of work ethic.

However, he’s been living off student loans for the last two years while I’ve held a full-time job on top of grad school. I also took a year off between my MA and my PhD so that I could support us by working three jobs while he stayed in his program.

I’ve always made more money than he does, which is fine I suppose but it also means I pay for the majority of our things and our groceries. He runs out of money frequently, leaving me holding the bill.

Speaking of… I manage our bills… rent, hydro, internet, etc. and make sure they’re paid on time. He transfers me his portion when he remembers (read: days late after I’ve reminded him a few times). This has been consistent since we moved in together and is a giant pain in my ass. I feel like a debt collector.

To be fair, he does the lion’s share of cleaning and laundry once per week while I’m at work. He insists on reminding me of this any time I ask if he can start looking for jobs. But this is a more recent phenomenon that’s started in the last six months the. During the first few years we lived together I was the one doing the cooking, cleaning, etc. every night.

Last month he told me he’s completely out of money until September when his funding comes in again. So I’ve been financially responsible for everything since June. Yes, I am miserable.

I want to buy a house and get married eventually. I’m saving for the future. He can’t even put gas in his car. “His car” is even a stretch, as his parents make the payments on it and pay the insurance.

II. Work ethic

Despite being in a rigorous PhD program this man somehow manages to spend the majority of his time playing World of Warcraft and whatever other video games he’s into. As you’d expect, he has trouble meeting deadlines for his PhD work.

Video games have always been a sore point in our relationship. We used to share an office space in our apartment. Six months after moving in together I moved my things out of the office because I can’t focus on my work while he’s screaming at the computer.

He admits he has a problem but does little to fix it. I come home every night to him clicking away at a game, and hours later listen to him complain about how stressed he is that he can’t focus on an upcoming deadline. In the early years I tried being supportive. At his request, I set timers and would come into the office to remind him that it’s been an hour, maybe he should go back to writing, etc. but to no avail. He’d just get defensive. Always: “One more game!”

I’ve stopped trying to help with this altogether now and continue to do my work from the kitchen table.

III. Plagiarism?

On more than one occasion I’ve caught him stealing my ideas for academic work. We’ll get talking about what we’re working on, and within weeks I’ll catch him parroting my ideas and thoughts to his peers. He’s also blatantly claimed my ideas as his own in papers.

I’m at a disadvantage when it comes to this, because I’m two years below him at the university. I’ve switched research areas twice to avoid living in his shadow or being accused of riding his coattails.

When I’ve confronted him about this, he claims ignorance and/or flat out refuses to acknowledge these were my ideas. I’ve stopped sharing my thoughts with him.

IIII. Romance/Emotional Availability

Early on in the relationship it was made clear that he would not tolerate big emotions and did not want a “high-maintenance” partner. I’m a very emotionally regulated person, but I am human and sometimes get sad or anxious! Most occasions I’ve felt the need to vent about have been met with very little empathy.

An example… I was diagnosed with (a very curable, thankfully) cancer two years ago. My doctor told me over the phone, and once the call was over I burst into tears in the living room.

At no point did my partner comfort me. He asked, “Well, is it cancer?” I said “Yes.” He responded with, “Oh, well let me know if you need a ride to any appointments.” and then promptly left the room. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself so I forced myself to stop crying and make dinner for us both.

Thankfully, treatment was prompt and straightforward. I only needed two minor surgeries. But I did manage all of the emotional and logistical elements of that on my own. I even opted for local anesthesia with no sedatives so I could drive myself to and from procedures. After my second procedure, he asked if I could pick up groceries on my way home. Honestly, it felt like he refused to even acknowledge that I’d been unwell at all.

Any other issues in our relationship that I’ve tried to communicate calmly and rationally about (giving out his personal Instagram to his female students, for instance) have been chalked up to “it’s all in [my] head,” and I’m “overthinking it.”

This has been so consistent it almost feels like I’ve been alienated from my own emotions and inner voice. Aside from the cancer diagnosis crying, I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt emboldened enough to feel anything at all.

I also cannot remember the last time we went on a date. He’s never planned any shared activities, either. Any trips we’ve taken have been organized (and paid for) by me.

In the beginning I almost took pride in the idea that I could be okay with this; that I’m just a low-maintenance girlfriend who doesn’t need flowers or dinners or much attention. Now it feels like I’m a frightened puppy. A friend recently gave me a gift to congratulate me on a published paper, and I had no idea how to accept it. Receiving any kind of care felt so strange and foreign I almost felt nauseated.

FIN

I’m estranged from my family (it’s been this way since I was 18 for childhood abuse reasons) and haven’t been able to keep many close friends because of how much time I spend working, so he’s really all I have in terms of companionship.

The thought of staying is horrifying. I’m a hollow shell of the person I used to be. The thought of leaving is also horrifying. I could more than afford an apartment on my own, but I don’t think I know who I am without him.

Any time I’ve expressed any of my feelings about our situation, he either responds by shutting it down (ie. refusing to talk, walking out of the room) or listening intently, being attentive for a few days and then going back to business as usual.

Would couples counselling even work here? I’m so resentful. Mostly at myself because this feels like something I shouldn’t have tolerated, but it crept up so slowly. I didn’t think it would get this miserable.

This is vulnerable. Please be kind!