Hi Reddit,
I’m reaching out because I’m in a really stuck place emotionally and mentally. I’ve been with my girlfriend for five years, and I’ve been wanting to end the relationship for quite some time due to a number of serious issues — but every time it gets close to happening, I find myself unable to actually go through with it.
We met in California, and things were great for the first couple of years. But around year two, coinciding with the beginning of COVID, things started getting rocky. Since then, there’s been a lot of turbulence — physical and emotional abuse, intense arguments, and increasing control from her side. I’ve tried to understand my role in all of this, and sometimes I feel guilty or wonder if I’ve somehow co-created the toxicity. She often says that before she met me, she was never like this — that she was kind and calm. Part of me wonders if she’s being truthful, and part of me feels like she’s using that to shift blame.
When I first met her, she was warm, kind, and had this rare, beautiful energy about her. But over time, I’ve either seen a side of her I hadn’t seen before… or she’s changed. Maybe both.
We’ve talked about breaking up many times, but I find it incredibly difficult to finalize it. One possible reason is that I’ve grown deeply attached to her dog, who I absolutely love. But I also think I’m afraid — not just emotionally, but physically too. Over the past year and a half, there have been multiple incidents where she got physical with me. She’s slapped me, scratched me, and often follows it with emotional abuse — saying cruel things about who I am, what I do with my life, and what my future holds.
She often blames her reactions on me, saying I trigger her and that I’m the one with trauma to fix. She rarely takes any responsibility for her actions — she’s never apologized or said “sorry” for the things she’s done, while I find myself constantly being the one apologizing.
The most recent incident happened yesterday. She hit me and scratched me because she said I wasn’t listening to her when she wanted to talk about something important. Then she told me it was my fault for “making” her react that way.
At this point, I feel completely shut down. I’m scared to even talk to her honestly because I’m anxious about the inevitable argument — and where it could escalate. I no longer feel safe being emotionally open, and I don’t feel like I have a voice in the relationship.
I’m writing this post to ask anyone who’s been in a similar situation: How do you leave? Is there a “right” way or time to do it? Is it just a matter of deciding and walking away? I feel like I need help — guidance from people who understand.
I’ve isolated myself emotionally because I don’t feel like I can talk to friends, family, or even her about this. So I’m grateful this community exists. If you’ve been in a similar place, or have any advice at all, I would truly appreciate it.
Thank you.
Tl;dr
Comments
Oh she was never like this before? Neither was Chernobyl.
You’re not stuck. You’re scared. Just leave.
>can’t get out
You can, you just won’t.
If the tables were turned and it was the woman who was being abused and didn’t know how to get out, the advice given would be to form an escape plan to get out of that relationship. Find a time where she will not be home and just leave…no questions asked. I know you love her dog, but you have to ask yourself what is more important? Yourself and your safety? Or the dog? After you find somewhere safe, seek counseling and therapy or someone to talk to physically to help you through this trauma. Do not any under circumstances let her actions change you in that you act the same way in future relationships or just with people in general. Have a friend or family member help you get out and escape that toxic environment. Be well and good luck!
This story — is — crazy — best of luck
If you were my brother or a really close guy friend of mine…. I’d slap you and tell you to get it together. You can’t leave because of her dog and of the unknown repercussions of breaking up with her? Dude you should’ve pulled your head out your behind yesterday and documented all the abuse if you haven’t already. Let someone you trust know your circumstances and ask for a chance to escape. Take your essentials and break up over text. She tries to defame you? You got the proof and lawyer up. But you need to stop thinking about how it may affect her and start thinking about protecting yourself from her. Remember bro, she’s beating your ass like a stray dog. Forget the courtesies. Thats for the people that properly say goodbye and care about you.