I live in Michigan and own a medical practice. My partner lives in Washington with his two kids (8 & 10). I have never been married and have no kids and greatly desire both and my clock is ticking. If we continue, I’d have to relocate. Selling my practice would leave me financially secure (a millionaire), but I’d be starting over career-wise.
Marriage and children are very important to me. He’s divorced, has kids, and had a vasectomy, though he says he’d reverse it. I worry about age (40/43) and the costs, which would likely fall on me.
He’s a loving, communicative partner and a great dad — one of the best men I’ve dated. The sex is great, and when we’re together we seem to be a great match. I care about him and his kids.
But I have concerns:
• Blackout drinking (vacations and at home).
• Wandering eyes during our trip to Europe.
• Following/liking women on Instagram while drunk.
• Finances: earns $150k, pension, pays bills on time, great credit — but little savings. Expects us to split expenses equally, including the mortgage on the home he shared with his ex-wife. I earn ~3x more and would be in a very different financial position if I sell my business. However, I probably won’t make nearly as much if having to restart from scratch after moving there.
I feel torn between love and practical concerns.
What I’m asking:
• How do I weigh love vs. long-term stability?
• Has anyone relocated for a partner — what helped you decide?
• With marriage/kids as my priority, how would you approach this?
TLDR: When considering moving across the country for an otherwise wonderful man, are his drinking and liking other girls Instagram pictures too risky to leave my perfect lonely financially secure life?
Comments
You can’t seriously be considering moving for a guy who has this many glaring red flags. Find someone local if you’re that desperate to ruin your life, at least you’ll keep your career and practice.
Read this back as if a colleague was considering selling their practice so early in their career and think about what you’d tell her. This sounds like waaay too many what ifs and contingencies to risk something it may be very hard to recreate once you get there. You likely haven’t spent enough time together to know what it’ll really be like to even live together. You’ll have to get licensed again and it my be impossible to go into private practice again given the medical landscape currently, although presumably you’ve researched that. What is he giving up to make this work? What is coming from this move that you can’t find through continuing as an ldr if you choose, through good friends, through a sperm bank since you are financially stable to choose that if you want it? This is not even getting into the other red flags you mentioned.
What stood out to me is that you’re long distance, and during the presumably special time you do get together, he’s looking at other women.
What the hell. No way he’s the only guy on Earth. Don’t move!!!
NO.
Just NO. If you want kids, you can have them on your own, via a number of medical methods, sperm donors, etc. Surely you’re better off being a single parent than pairing up with a drunken, cheating guy that you barely know and pretending it’s somehow love because he whispers sweet nothings that you want to hear, in your ear when he’s sober. That’s not love. That’s dependency.
Most marriages end in divorce. Children are yours forever. Being a single parent has so many benefits, the most of which are decision making, hiring help if you need it, whether it’s a nanny or housekeeper, relying on your own judgement in all matters and the freedom to do as you choose.
Don’t give up the prosperous life you’ve built for a loser of this magnitude. You’ll end up ruined, childless and broke and cheated on and abused.
Don’t pair up with addicts. You’re better off on your own than being tied to a doomsday anchor. He won’t change, he’ll just get worse.
jfc this is a terrible idea. You are romanticising the idea of him and ignoring the reality. He’s a disaster.