My 42F husband 47M have been married for 8 years, we don’t have kids together but I have 3 from my previous marriage. He is great with my kids but I think I regret being married to him. We both make good money so all of our vehicles and home are paid for. He is always complaining, he is very negative and I can’t wear perfume or strong scents around him. I used to dance and sing all the time but I quit doing it while with him because I’m afraid he is going to criticize me because always has something to say to other people. He is great with money, treats me well but so stingy. I am getting so tired of this. I do love him but I have some resentments over his attitude. I talked to him multiple times but it did not go anywhere. I’m afraid to divorce because financially life is good but I am not sure if this is normal with other spouse. I don’t have a lot of experience. Please advise.
I’m 42f and he is 47m and I am thinking of divorce. Would you please let me know if my experience is normal or not?
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If you’re scared to be yourself in your own house. That’s not peace, it’s survival. Money’s cool but it’s not worth slowly disappearing.
“I talked to him multiple times but it did not go anywhere. I’m afraid to divorce because financially life is good but I am not sure if this is normal with other spouse.”
Madam, the behavior that you describe is abusive, disrespectful, contemptuous and dehumanizing.
It is not the way a well adjusted human being treats his partner.
Your husband sounds like he is not in control of his own behavior.
And I can tell you from my experience over more than six decades of life that no one deserves be treated in such a manner; indeed, the longer you try to tolerate this, the more susceptible you are going to be to stress, anxiety, and potentially more serious mental health consequences. Again, I speak from direct experience.
Are your children living at home with you? If so, you need to keep in mind that they are witnessing everything that’s going on, and they are absorbing all of the tension that they see in your relationship with your husband. This will have mental health consequences for them as they get older.
If you “regret” being married to him, then the best thing for you to do would be to file for a divorce.
If I were you, I would consult an attorney and discuss your various options.
Incidentally, his financial skills are completely irrelevant, and will do nothing to make your marriage any better.
Have you ever gotten to have an open transparent conversation to give him feedback on his behavior? Is he capable of receiving feedback and working together as a team to find solutions? Can he get help for his negative bias? Seems like a lot of attachment trauma for your kids to not try and see if there is anyway to work through the resentments.
First, consult a lawyer to make sure your assets are protected and your children are provided for. Next, make him an offer he can’t refuse, couples therapy or divorce.
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The scent stuff aside – does he have chemical sensitivities? – this is not normal. It wouldn’t matter if it was, really, because you’re not happy.
Your partner doesn’t have to love everything you do, but you should be able to dance and sing if it makes your heart happy, and you shouldn’t be living on completely different pages about money, especially if you’re doing well financially.
You aren’t supposed to be miserable in your own home. Home is your soft landing place from all the crap in the rest of the world.
I know someone who is with their husband for financial reasons and they are absolutely MISERABLE and whenever she is herself and happy dancing and having a good time, he tells her to stop acting like a teenager. I told her to divorce him. It’s sad to see.
Try marriage counseling first and see if that helps. Good luck!
Being around negative people that are always criticizing is very draining. Was he like that at the start in the first years?
Counselling could really help with this.
If I had to choose between money and happiness… I will choose happiness over and over again.
Life is too short! Do your research on how assets will be split. Then get out of there, you are not living if you can’t be your authentic self.
If you feel dissatisfied and even come to ask for help then you really aren’t sure you should be together. I know it’s difficult because the financial aspect weighs heavily on this issue.
But I chose divorce
The financial issue was difficult at the beginning but now everything is fine
Where are you going to find a man to commit to a single mother of 3? Not many men will. If you feel unsafe leave. But know you will probably going to be single a long time. Men don’t step up to marry single moms anymore
If the relationship is more a burden than a joy then it is time for you to leave.
Will that mean that you might possibly be financially worse off than you are now? Yes, it might. But you have to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself what price tag you are willing to put on your own happiness and mental well being.
Look I’m an older male. Maybe individual therapy. But if your finances are good. Your children are good.
Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life. You are still young enough to enjoy the last half! But time moves on… fast.
Talk to someone that you like..therapist…
but then make a decision. Otherwise you will spend the rest of your years with regret. And frankly that sticks. To put it politely
Not that you should ever stop doing what you enjoy, hobbies, etc., perfumes-try Riddle Original. I feel like a spokesperson for that lol but it gets a lot of compliments and it’s not strong. It’s a roll-on.
That said, his negativity is affecting things whether he’ll admit it or not. Sounds like he needs to get hobbies and talk to someone professionally, positive, or a mentor. His attitude is bringing the relationship down from the info you’re giving.
This sounds like you are at the point of marriage counseling.
Sounds like divorcing him would bring you joy and freedom. You deserve to be able to express yourself
Marriage therapy. He may take constructive criticism from a professional who does it the right way. Unless you really don’t love him and are certain you never will. Good luck.
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If it was just the perfume stuff I would advocate for him. I’m an asthmatic super smeller and wish all chemical scents would vanish. Makes my life hell trying to breathe. Even my own dr office I think I’m allergic to their essential oil diffusers and it’s sooo strong. So I can feel for the guy if that’s his issue too. But it sounds like it’s more controlling than that… you are not able to be yourself and you’re turning into a shell.
Is it worth showing your kids its ok to be miserable as long as like is financially stable? To me its not but thats a choice you need to make
My theory … especially being older and having plenty of friends and family pass before the age of 50.
Life is short. If you can’t be happy. If you are stifled bc of another, is this how you want to live the remaining years of your life?
If you financially make enough money to take care of yourself why stay just bc a house and cars are paid off?
Your choice. Your life. You decide. Is the financial aspect more important for the remaining days of your life to be living stuffed inside a very small box?
Have you tried counseling?
People who marry for money earn every penny.
With kids in play you should take a long hard look at your finances before divorcing, but life is too short to be with someone who makes you unhappy. Do you two actually have sex?
This is not something you can change; this is just naturally who he is; hardwired into his psyche.
Get legal advice on where you stand, then weigh up whether the trappings of success are worth a lifetime of not expressing the true you.
If is financially what stopping you to move on , your life will depends on him, he sees you as a treat to his financial and a enemy to his retirement, it need to be a balanced in your relationship..
So I’m single (52) and the only concern I have is aging alone, I don’t want to rely on my children, so that is kind of the only loose thread in my life.
It sounds like your husband just needs some readjusting. I mean if you’re considering a split to have more lightness/ freedom/ joy in your life (that’s music/dancing/perfume for me as I do all to excess) you should sit him down and explain his gray cloud attitude is raining on your parade. Give him hard examples. Then flat out ask, do you want to work on this or do you want me to go? You’ve got nothing to lose.
you are going to chose … money or happiness. make the right choice because happiness is intrinsically linked to the choices you make
A lot of people are sensitive to fragrances, like it can trigger allergies/headaches/asthma, so that is more of a medical thing. The poor attitude sounds like that’s just his personality, but that can change with a conscious effort. I don’t know if you tried couples counseling first. Maybe try that before you talk to a lawyer.
Wtf do u think is waiting for u out there? You’re gonna get ran thru like a subway tunnel. Nothing is ever perfect. Life isn’t The Notebook movie. You made a vow to the family and now u wanna break it up becuz youre “unhappy?” Well guess what, nobody is fkn happy. U think your husband is happy? Yet u dont see him filing for divorce do u? Its always the weak women that break up families becuz theyre selfish and self centered. Whyd u get married if all u were gonna do is get divorced? No way in hell your husband just started acting this way. You picked him, now deal with it and grow up.
Call a therapist for him to break out of his negativity, and another for you both for couples counseling. That is, to give it a try if you want.
Definitely consult a lawyer either way. Counseling is the 1st option, but be ready for the next steps
Need to give it one more try, though this time tell him you may want to separate! That you are still young, want to enjoy your remaining healthy youthful years dancing, singing and your hope that he wants the same.
So, your main reason for wanting divorce is that he’s oppressively negative?
Have you communicated directly to him how you feel?
Is there something else going on here?
Go to couples counseling at first, at least. You’re trying to bail when things are hard because of your communication problems. That’s premature.
What a trivial set of reasons to end your vows.
You do have a lot of experience having 3 kids from the previous marriage. Or you meant having this kind of experience?
Move on don’t leave it too long and regret it