I’m a 32 year old female and I matched with a guy on bumble he’s 40 and mutual friends with a friend of mine. Our mutual friends mentioned he is looking for a girl to settle down with. We didn’t speak on bumble but saw eachother at a mutual party and then later matched again and started chatting on bumble. Hes opening his own shop so I know he’s very busy. He’s there almost everyday from morning till midnight. We texted for 12 days and eventually met a few days ago. We hit it off and then we went to his house after and were getting intimate. I told him I don’t want to go the full way and he respected it. But then I changed my mind as rhe night went on and we had sx. That night at midnight it was my birthday. He wished me at that point. During third base he finished early and was a little embarassed and helped me finish afterwards. He messaged me the next evening and asked if I did anything for my birthday which was that day. But he didn’t actually wish me again. We exchanged messages a few more times. But I feel like he’s too busy for me or maybe he doesn’t take me seriously now since we did third base. I’m anxious and really sad about it. This weekend is Calgary stampede and he asked me to go with him next weekend. I agreed too.. I messaged him “if you’re just looking for something casual or fun, that’s totally okay, but I’m not really that kind of girl. I’m not in a rush for anything serious, but I dont want to be just a hookup lol.” And he called me immediately after, said he wanted to see me and invited me to his shop where he was finishing up some work. I went to his work and chatted with him for about an hour while he finished up his work. I told him I don’t usuallt sleep together on the first date and he simply told me “you overthink too much. We’re both grown adults. Don’t overthink it” I said I’m not interested in casual hookups. He said he isn’t either. Then we continued with small talk. As I was leaving we kissed and I started making out with him cuz I wanted more. He said “save something for later too” and he chuckled. I was kind of embarassed. Anyways idk what to do. Maybe I came off too needy. Maybe he’s not just not interested. Idk what to make of it. Someone please give me some advice how to move forward.
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Girl … “doesn’t take me seriously because we only went to third base.” This sounds very young. You don’t have to prove your value to men by getting them off. You seem like you both throw yourself at him but have an intention to wait. When you say words that conflict, you give mixed signals. Someone at 40 sees the mixed signals as a feature of youth and chuckles. Your immaturity (mixed signals) can become unattractive quickly. You are becoming an emotional burden to someone you barely know.
You struggle with limerence and emotional regulation. Do you regularly see a therapist? Have you ever been diagnosed? What do you do to seek skills to manage your anxiety?
I’m with him, you’re overthinking. He actually sounds pretty humorous. AND he called you immediately after you spiraled about what type of relationship he wanted.
He wished you happy birthday that day first thing, so he no need to repeat it later. Especially since he even asked you later about your birthday.
He’a starting his own shop so he’s going to be working nonstop & long hours. Are you okay with that? Hoping it works out OP. Sounds like great potential.
Why do you think he isn’t interested? And why do you keep saying you don’t want casual hookups? Seems very odd to keep repeating. From everything you said he seems very interested in you
You’re giving mixed signals. He’s inviting you out to public spaces and immediately calling you and making time for you when you’re sending texts (that I think are kinda confusing) to try and understand where you’re coming from? He’s into you and showing signs and you’re kinda overthinking. IMO this would be a red flag if you did this to me but he seems to like you and sounds super motivated and a catch, so don’t latch on if you think you can’t handle a guy who can communicate properly.
You need to calm down.
No one has messed anything up, yet.
Simply date this guy. Get to know him. Allow him to get to know you. You aren’t going to marry him tomorrow!
Give the relationship some time, without a load of expectations.
Since this guy is starting his own business, you could offer to help him with his work. From time to time you could pop in when he is working late and surprise him with dinner.
Temper your expectations. See where the relationship takes you both.
Our fellow Redditors have given good advice. I would add, though, that saying you don’t want to offer the full portion and then changing reversing course, to my mind, reduces the credibility of future protestations. Consent is yours at all times but you should not be surprised that confusion has entered the mix.
Blue Balls is a real phenomenon.
This would not mean, however, that things were irrevocably damaged. What you should do would be to engage in proper courting with itemized expectations. I, too, own a business and my schedule changes daily. However, unless I had a total emergency on my hands, I’d know, with a reasonable degree of accuracy, when I could punch out and head home.
Ask your man for exclusivity. Ask for his best guess as to how often you could speak and/or visit him at work until his day ended.
Let that turn into sessions of platonic quality time. Hugs and limited kisses would be fine but, otherwise, keep your clothes on for 3 months. Heavy petting must be out. After 3 months, judge your comfort with his emotional commitment to the relationship and drop all barriers or discontinue your romance.
Relax.
Lady calm down. You are overthinking this. You were clear with what you want. He was clear with what he wants. You jumped the gun sleeping together but a great many relationships start that way. Just relax, get to know each other, enjoy it. He took you to a thing he’s building. That is big for any guy. If you don’t get out of your own head you are going to ruin it.
Is this person seriously 32??
Baby, I’ve been there done that. Best you can do now is doing as you feel and according to what you want. Repeating words does not show your real intentions, your attitude does. I just hooked up on a second date with a guy after a year of not having anything with anyone, and yep I told him I was not for hookups eventually, but I guess what worked that we both treated each other in a different way than only a hookup, and if you can just do that you’ll have your answer
you are way over thinking this! He is right, you need to get out of your head. He likes you, he wants to spend more time with you. From the way it sounds he is very much on the same page as you. Just take a chill pill and relax.
I don’t even have to read the comments to know what people are gonna say about this. Everything from grooming to being a creep. In my relationship, there’s an age gap and I’ve never been in a better relationship. Of course, aging at different rates is a thing but if you enjoy eachother’s thoughts and feelings and hobbies, the only thing keeping you apart is you.
You might feel intimidated by age where if it was someone your age who said the same things who knows would you react the same way? So is it what he’s saying or the fact that you don’t see him as a partner, you see him as an authority figure.
He seems to be pretty interested in you. He’s reassuring you that he does. Sounds good to me
Sounds like he’s into you. He immediately made time to see you after you voiced your concerns. You’re overthinking a little-this sounds promising.