As a working mom of 3 kids I have been
very resentful of not being able to make time for my passions and goals in life. My husband helps when he can but has a very demanding job with work trips every month. We have no family around to help and barely any friends since we have no time to socialize. My day starts with demands from my kids and ends with that and there is no end in sight.
I know women with kids in their 20s and 30s and their days are still full of things they have to do for the kids/grandkids.
As a woman, when does this end? When/how can I live life for myself and go back to the dreams and goals I want to accomplish?
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I don’t have experience as a parent but when my parents were in their 40s we had nannies and babysitters – is this something you two can afford?
Why are you working and doing most of the childcare with only “help” from your husband? They’re his kids too. He needs to get a new job which doesn’t include these trips and start carrying his fair share of parenting. Talk to him about this that’s the only way this will end. This isn’t just the unavoidable default state of being a woman or a working mother but you need to communicate with your husband.
On your point about parents you know still helping support and be there for their adult kids… sorry but that’s what family is and what you chose when you chose to have children. Why would you resent being close with your kids even as they are grown up? I doubt most of the women you know don’t spend the majority of their time daily on their adult children, that sounds like a very unrealistic exaggeration for most cases.
Having three kids sounds like a nightmare. Not sure how anyone can do that without completely putting aside all of your own life goals and desires.
Those kids are your lifelong commitment. If your husband is a loser who isn’t helping, divorce him. If he is doing his part, stop complaining.
So you both work, you’re a parent, and your husband “helps”?
Absolutely not. Your husband is a FATHER, not mommy’s little helper. I think you need to request far more support from him.
If he cannot manage to raise his own children, you’re better off being a single mother both legally and logistically, since logistically you already are one.
How old are your kids?
Does your husband have time for his dreams and goals?
You’re the one who decided to have three children.
Your husband is checked out of family life. I work, and travel, with men like this who are frequently gone and leave everything family related to their wives. These are also the men with Tinder accounts and hookups in every client location.
You need to sit your husband down and find out what both your priorities are because how you are living now is not sustainable. You will never get these years back. The reality is that very few marriages survive this kind of set up. Do you want to end up not having done anything you want and divorced? Figure out what you want and go get it. You may find you’re better off divorcing now. There are studies that show single mothers have more free time and fewer chores as single mothers than being married to men who aren’t taking on their family responsibilities.
I mean… having 3 kids is hard. You had to have known that before you had 3 kids. I know that isn’t really what you want to hear but it always amazes me how bad people want to have kids just to then complain about all the responsibility that comes with it. Yeah it’s hard. If your kids are at an age where they can help with anything, start delegating. If your husband isn’t helping enough with his-kids-too, it’s time for a long talk. If you can afford a housekeeper once a week or even every other week that could help tremendously.
I think when your kids are older it will be way easier, since u can share same hobbies & also let your children for some hours at home alone!
In your situation at the moment, you & your husband should figure out a way that you can balance this though situation better, maybe that you take a step back from working so much or find a way that he can put more effort in it.
I dont want to judge at this point & say like others that your husband is doing a bad job, more information would be great
So basically most men and women give up their passions and goals in life when they have kids. You say your husband has a very demanding job. Does HE get to make time for his passions? Does HE get time to himself (I am not talking about the work trips). For example you could tell him you can go do whatever you want this Saturday (golf or whatever) for 4 hours. Next Saturday I want 4 hours to go do whatever myself. Again as long as Both of you get time alone to do this passion thing it can work. But it’s never going to be like it was before kids.
You chose to have 3 kids I’m not really sure what you expected your life to be like. If your husband can’t get a job where he can be more present not a lot you can do til kids are old enough to look after themselves a bit more.
I’m curious what your dreams and goals are?
My goals and dreams are mostly centered around my family. We go on fun trips. We play together – sports etc. I work a lot. We don’t have a lot of time to socialize. Any things I am really interested in I can do with my kids – cooking, art, running etc.
So I’m curious what you would rather be doing? It seems this might be more of a “mom” problem over a husband problem…
Maybe you should have had just one or two kids. When you have kids it doesn’t end. Since you have no family around how about hiring a sitter for a few hours on Sat or Sunday a few times a month.
This problem is real, but it used to be resolved with family and friend networks. Having parents nearby allowed parents to take breaks without relying on paid child care. Having friends with kids meant that kids could spend time with their friends in person, giving parents a break. The demands of raising kids also has increased with extracurricular expectations for kids. I have seen parents of teens burn out because they are trying to get their kids to multiple activities after school every day. It only really gets better when you set boundaries for your time (date nights, me time) where your spouse and your kids know what is expected. It seems selfish, but it is really the only way to continue to remain engaged without becoming resentful. Just like in those airline emergency prep videos, you have to put your mask on so you can breathe first before you can help your kids.
I recommend getting into a codependency group. This has helped me and my wife immensely by helping us to reframe how we see our current situation and setting appropriate boundaries so we can feel free to express our expectations
Welcome to mid life, I guess. You chose to have 3 children. You chose that husband.
This is why they say single and child free women are among the happiest demographics in the western world.
Sorry you’re feeling this way but also—this is the path you put yourself on.
Chooses to poop out 3 kids then goes on Reddit to moan. You chose this life and it’s a life many people dream of . Support your husband and tell him how you feel and see if you can get a nice holiday together or something
There’s not enough info here to give you quality advice, and some of the responses here are making *huge* leaps to conclusions on just shoestring info.
Is your husbands demanding job providing most of the income for the family, or would you be ok financially if he took a less demanding lower paying job?
How old are your kids?
People are jumping on the “husband helps” verbiage, does he view it as help or is that just your way of explaining “he parents when he’s around but works long hours and is required to travel a lot so he’s not here all the time”?
Does your husband have leisure time, or do work and kids lock him down from fun as well?
You have to make time for yourself. No one is just going to grant it to you. Be an advocate for yourself. Self care is important but you need to deem it as such.
Carve out time each week. Start with an hour or two. Plan it. Put it in a calendar. Find a way to make it work. You are burned out which bleeds over to the other aspects of your life and makes it easy to just be complacent.
You can have time to yourself but you have to prioritize it and plan for it. Stand up for your needs. You can realize your personal goals.
The way your life goes is entirely up to you. Your choices or lack of define it. So make a choice to make time for yourself and follow through with making it work.
Best of luck to you.
Maybe you’ll get compassionate and understanding answers on r/regretfulparents
How old are your kids and what types of things do you want to do for yourself? Being a full time working mom does not give you much wiggle room to do the extras for yourself…. maybe work part time of just stay home? There are a lot of sacrifices that come with having kids and if you want to make changes this is something you need to sit down with your husband and discuss because with three kids he has to be on board willing to be there when you’re not or arrange for paid help ie. cleaning lady or car pooling for their activities( you may have to miss because you’re doing your thing). Perhaps you’re feeling this way because you’ve taken on all the burden and leave nothing for your husband to help with. I see this a lot with full time working moms they work cook clean laundry do all the grocery shopping and everything in between and wonder why they’re miserable, tired unhappy.
It ends when you decide that it ends and take time back for yourself
This sounds like a scream into the void.
Parenting is so hard. It’s all-consuming, life-changing, back-breaking work…. and it doesn’t ever end or go away… that’s kinda what you sign up for when you decide to bring children into the world.
But, of course there are things you can do to make space for YOURSELF in YOUR OWN LIFE. It won’t happen overnight – it’s a practice you have to implement everyday, and you’ll get pushback and sometimes it’ll be hard and seem like it’s not worth it.
But if you can 1. be happier with the life you have, and 2. show your kids that you value yourself as a human, you’ll actually be doing EVERYONE in your family a major service.
First, you have to look at your support – you said your husband travels and works a lot – does he take responsibility for his children during his off-time? He is also a parent, and despite working a 9-5, parenting doesn’t end. He needs to be on-duty and supporting with childcare and household duties while he is home.
Second, we don’t know how old your kids are… but are you teaching them to respect you? Are you teaching them patience and that you have needs and that you matter as well? Starting your day with demands is no fun. Can you get up earlier to have time to yourself to begin with? Can you implement quiet time upon waking where kids read for 10 min, etc.
Third, day-to-day household tasks can pile up so quickly, and require a lot of time every single day. Is there a way for you to outsource some of those items? I weekly cleaner do to a deep-clean, so you only have to tidy? Or someone to do grocery shopping, etc.
If you can afford it, get a nanny or au pair.
You made your choices, so deal with them.
So I’m a mother of 5 and I have weekly meetings with a social worker who deals with issues like this/ families with young children who are struggling to cope… it’s important that you have time as an individual person because you’re so much more than a mother and a wife. You might not be able to “have it all” like some people have mentioned but you deserve to have a couple of hours a week to just be yourself and do something that you enjoy.
If your husband is busy then I suggest getting a babysitter once a week to put the kids to bed while you go see a movie or just anything to get your mind out of “mom/wife” mode
It won’t end unless you restructure your lives around it. I recommend either moving closer to family, or moving closer to his job so he doesn’t have to travel. One or both of you may need to change to less demanding careers.
If you want hobbies as a parent, there are some things you’ll need to let slide, like having a clean house. I also recommend getting your kids involved in your hobbies.
Hire a maid. Blessed money.
This is why my wife says American women complain all the time. The entitlement is insane.
Why did you have 3 kids lol
How old are the kids? What age/ability appropriate chores and responsibilities do they have?
Can you outsource some things, like a cleaner or an occasional meal prep service? Just something to make life/the house run a little smoother?
>I know women with kids in their 20s and 30s and their days are still full of things they have to do for the kids/grandkids.
Without knowing these women specifically, are these choices they’ve made? Because if you’re still managing the life of your 20-something year old child that’s kind of on you (barring various circumstances). Ideally your grown children will always be IN your life in a healthy way and the relationship will be more reciprocal as they grow up but if you’ve got 3 kids under 5 or something then yeah no shit you’re tired and in the trenches.
I mean not trying to be mean but what exactly did you think having three kids would entail? Obviously that’s a lifelong commitment you signed up for.
Sorry- you fell for the propaganda we were shoveled our entire lives and now you’ve got to tough it out because you both decided to bring 3 new people into it. It’s cruel, and I am very sorry that happened to you, but that’s the jist of it.
If your husband sucks, dump and enjoy having 3 kids instead of 4. If he doesn’t, go to therapy and try to come up with ways to feel fulfilled and reach your goals, especially as the kids get older.
I think it’s completely understandable to feel burnt out in the situation you have created for yourself. Sorry to be harsh but fundamentally YOU made the choice to have a second (and then a third!) kid with someone who isn’t engaging in their responsibilities outside of their pay check. Your husband either needs to change jobs and step up to his share of the childcare and chores, or you need to outsource those things on a periodic basis to give you time to nourish your hobbies and socialise. Kids need a happy mum. But key point here needs to be, your children are blameless and didn’t ask to be born.
Honestly there is no reason why people with adult kids “have” to do things for their adult kids and grandkids to the point they don’t have any time for themselves.
These women have poor boundaries.
You do not need to actually sacrifice everything you enjoy out of life for your kids. You do deserve some time for yourself. It’s healthy for you and for the kids.
My mum martyred herself for me and my brothers and she used it to guilt trip us later in life. We (and our dad) wanted her to do things for herself but she had gotten into the habit of denying herself and then thinking she’s morally superior for doing so. Don’t fall into that trap.
You and your husband need to sit down and figure out what you can change together about your processes so that both of you get at least one afternoon a week to yourself for focusing on just what you’re passionate about. It can be done and you do deserve it.
Well, you can’t really live your life for yourself when you have a family with small children. You committed to raising them, and as you are well aware, that’s incredibly time consuming.
You can however, make your passions and dreams a priority by carving out a dedicated mom only time each day or week or month. For example, Saturday morning at 8 o’clock nobody is allowed to interrupt mom time for one hour. Or, Wednesday evenings are mom only evenings. Or maybe when the kids go down for the month you can focus on yourself and your interests.
I think for women especially, life balance is such a challenge. But hopefully if you can have a non negotiable set day and time for yourself it’ll be a little easier.
Been there, with a partner who works away and no family nearby.
You need to set time for yourself! When your husband is home let him know some time you want, get a babysitter some afternoons/evenings.
The reality is that kids occupy your time and need you to act for them in a lot of situations. The only way to do things for yourself is to set up time to do them in.
What are your passions and goals? Perhaps an hour at night to write a book or vibrate yourself silly? What do you even want in life you aren’t specific.
It ends when you lay some boundaries, restructure your life, and demand your husband pay his share of assistance to help you get some time for yourself.
Even if you have to forego other things, get someone in to clean your house or watch your kids so you can go out and enjoy your passions and hobbies at least for a bit.
If husband is not there, you should at least get date nights by yourself to have a break, and that should be in the budget.
Only you can say no enough to get the right structures in place, but that is the path. You’re like Atlas holding up the world – but get a stand to put that world on for a while so you can take a break, please.
A lot of the comments here are pretty out of touch. First, I want to validate your experience. Your forties are uniquely demanding. Often your work values your experience and puts a lot on you. Your parents are aging and could need help. Maybe grandkids too. Three children is a lot to handle. I have some logistical advise for surviving it, but it’s not an easy time.
Good luck, I have been where you are. The comments saying it’s what you signed up for aren’t true. Nobody tells us how hard it will be.
How old are your kids? My youngest is 11 and as they all get older they take on more and more responsibilities at home. Right now our routines are off because it’s summer holidays, but once September rolls around they each have to plan, prep and cook one supper a fortnight. They do their own laundry. They ride their bikes to see friends. And we have a rotating list of chores because we need to have the floors swept or vacuumed and the bathroom tidied every single day.
Also, just because your husband works hard doesn’t mean you need to shoulder the entire domestic load. If he’s too busy to clean, he should hire a housekeeper. If he’s too busy to spend time with the kids and do the bedtime routine, it needs to come out of his downtime, or even out of his sleep. If you both don’t get equal downtime, your resentment will become impossible to overcome. It’s not about who earns more money, it’s about who is actually working more entirely.
We have no support and my husband also is away a lot for work. We’ve got 4 kids. It was really, really hard when they were younger and I never really had a moment to myself. Once the youngest started school things began to change. The oldest being able to babysit was also a game changer because I could do evening things again (I paid him). I only worked part time when they were smaller because there’s no way I could have managed full time work on top of being the default parent and household manager. It was just not possible.
We are busier than ever and I can’t believe how much time, effort and money my kids take now, but it’s just different and better now that they’re teenagers and tweens.
It’s a shame you’re so miserable. Having 3 kids is a blessing. You are working and you don’t mention how old your kids are. It’s never too early for them to start chores. You don’t say how much your husband helps or doesn’t help. I‘m sure him traveling isn‘t a choice since it’s for work. You can get a babysitter to find time for yourself and hire someone to clean house. You ultimately are responsible for your happiness. Pick a time for your to do something for yourself. As a mom of 3 now grown children and a grandmother to 4 I understand. I also know how rewarding it is to see your children grow into successful, responsible and most importantly kind adults. It’s sad to see you so miserable. You may want to find a counselor to help you sort through your emotions .
Parenting never ends. It evolves as your kids get older, but you will always be a parent. Mine are adults and while they don’t need me like they did when they were younger, they still come to me with different things.
Well… it’s on you for having 3 kids. Harsh truth but it is. You’re 40. How old are the kids? If they’re over 8, it’s easier to find sitters to go and do things. And quite frankly easier to tell them to leave you to your business for an hour or 2 while they play with toys or whatever.
The only people holding ourselves back is us really. We can make things work if we had to in relation to many things in life. Planning, budgeting, etc.
In regards to older mothers with older kids doing things with grandchildren etc. That’s an each to their own scenario.
As a mother myself, I have understood that my parents have “done their time”.. They never said it to me but I would absolutely not pull the piss. If anything, I would help them with stuff and they help me. So it’s even if that makes sense. They always offer. So the help is there but I never took advantage. I like hanging out with my offspring lol 😂 because I know they go do their own thing. But there was no big set in stone expectation of me asking them to babysit. There’s big age gap between myself and my 2 younger siblings. So I would NEVER expect it. They have been raising kids all their lives lol.
So that in itself is a boundary setting thing too in relation to being a grandparent. Want to help? Ok. Set dates and times that suit. If you don’t, say so.
What you need to do is plan for yourself. Whether that’s hiring a sitter or a family member to babysit, or quite frankly when your husband is home, get him to stay and you get days for you. You can set “you time” between the hours of this time to that time. Also, play dates are great. Being able to plan those where the other parent takes your kid for a few hours and you do the same back and over etc. harder with 3 kids unless you’re good at planning that but it’s doable. Play date for one, babysitter for 2 etc. It CAN be done.
Best wishes. It’s not easy. Talk to your husband. Maybe it’s time for him to get a job that’s near home. No one ends up on their death bed wishing they worked more.
WhY aReNt PeOpLe HaViNg KiDs….. because you completely put your life on hold for years and they are a lot of work…. one was enough, cant comprehend people with 3 and 4…..
take my advice with a grain of salt because I dont know what its like to have children but it seems like the goal for you should be to get your kids to slowly be more and more independent. and in time when they are you will get some freedom back. Try to always be there for them but in time it should get easier. Maybe look into other moms in your area for support as well.
Other then that I am sorry your going through it. They do reach semi independence when they are 10 and beyond. depending on what you do in the mean time. unless they are disabled. that takes longer. <3
It’s a long journey though. You are doing your best. <3
My wife and I don’t have kids because we are well aware that once you decide to have kids, they are your new focus and everything else, be it yourself and your relationship, takes a back seat.
I feel like people don’t understand this and think having kids will be like having a pet with your partner. At this point, you either talk to your husband and figure stuff out, you ditch your family and do your own thing, or you chill until they are done with school and out on their own. There’s a reason kids are called a ‘major life decision’!
As the kids get older, you will have more time for yourself. Get a bi-weekly house cleaner, that is a huge help. And each of your kids should have a few age appropriate chores.