Hi everyone,
I’m a divorced mom of twins. I had a very emotionally neglectful and critical mother growing up. I was an extremely sensitive child, and to this day I remember the tone of her voice, her facial expressions, and the feeling of not being enough—very vividly.
When I became a mom myself, I swore I would never be like her. I would never make my kids feel unloved or scared. I’ve been trying so hard to be gentle, understanding, and empathetic—so much that I lost balance.
Now, I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never enough. I’m either too soft, and they treat me like a friend they don’t have to respect… or I explode after holding everything in for too long, and then I hate myself for it.
Sometimes I wonder: am I doing more damage by keeping them with me when I’m this emotionally exhausted? Or would it be worse for them to feel separated from their mom? Their father is more emotionally distant and blunt—he wouldn’t consider how fragile they are. I worry constantly.
And lately, this question haunts me the most:
If I don’t even love myself, what if they grow up not loving me either?
They probably forget the things they say or do that hurt me—but I get triggered deeply. I realize it’s not just them, it’s my inner child reacting all over again.
Is there anyone out there who has been through something like this? How do you raise emotionally secure kids when you still feel like a wounded child yourself?
I don’t want to repeat my mother’s story. I just don’t know how to write my own anymore.
Thanks for reading.
Comments
EMDR therapy. It works fast and it processes all your past traumas to little you, so you don’t project that on to your kids. It was literally like a miracle for me.
One evening, not long ago, I received a call from my oldest son. The first words from him were “I’m sorry”. I said I accept your apology, thanks for calling.
He said, “Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m apologizing?” I said “I probably won’t remember the incident you’re apologizing for and you probably won’t remember the incident I’m thinking about for which I’ve accepted your apology.
He laughed and agreed. It was a short conversation but we’ve been a liitle closer ever since.
You care. That’s obvious. You’re a good parent. That’s also obvious. Your kids will remember that even if you don’t. Take a moment and forgive yourself. I believe in you. Take care of yourself.
The book “how to talk so little kids will listen” will give you tools that most of us didn’t come by honestly. You would be amazed what knowing what to do ahead of time does for your reactions in the moment.