I’m a failure in every sense of that word.

No I don’t go around watching illegal shit nor do I go and date women and dump them or do I go around robbing or stealing things. But I’ve done shit (being mean to people and using people.) and seen shit accidentally (never seen it again or looked for it.) I don’t even own a damn car, I spend all my money on food and gas when I could be saving money. I stay in my room bedrotting. I constantly think of suicide and being assaulted again in my mind. I think of ways to hurt myself but never do it. I keep starting therapy and sleep through my alarms to do the videos. I feel like I use people emotionally and trauma dump on them and then ignore them. I’m a rude asshole at work and I’m very blunt. I feel like just being near anyone I creep them out and I feel like I don’t deserve a voice or a body. I feel like a tool for people to use sometimes. I am blessed I have everything I need but yet I feel like I have nothing. If this feels like to be human and called life I don’t want to partake in it. Either kill me or let me disappear. Or someone enslave me. Almost every time I get something good in my life it’s gone or I screw it up.