i have a fear of abandonment or rejection. i feel so empty inside and i don’t know who I am so i feel the urge to obsess over a specific person and constantly seek validation from them. but when they make me think they don’t like me anymore i get desperate to manipulate them for attention cause I don’t want to be alone. ill talk about killing my self to them to see if they care, or self harm. Right now I feel like self harming to get sympathy. I went through extreme stress when I was younger. It put this idea in my head that now nobody in the world cares about what I have to say so I feel like I have to go all out by cutting myself to feel cared about. When people give me sympathy it gives me a feeling of being cared about, a little.
So when I was 15 I decided to go all out by threatening suicide to everyone, cutting myself and sending videos of it to everyone I know. I usually try to make it as graphic as possible by smearing the blood around or making the cuts deeper. It feels like it’s what I have to do to feel cared about. Cause I think nobody likes me
when I feel like im pushing them away i go from feeling ok to instantly feeling like i lost everything. right now im going through it. I don’t even want to get better. I feel like sabatoging myself and punishing myself for being a bad person. Acting suicidal is also a way to express my pain. but I eventually snap out of it once these episodes are over
I only view things as bad, or good. There’s like a demon in my head that tells me everyone dislikes me. Im looking for every little sign of rejection. and when they make me feel rejected my life is falling apart
I also feel really empty inside and I don’t know who I am. I feel like a little kid and it makes me feel like a loser. I view myself as a psychopath and a narcissist. I don’t know how to act or speak. I only view myself as bad. I have like no empathy and I always have a blank stare. Im soulless. I can’t feel genuine happiness. The only thing I live for is to not feel lonely. But I always feel lonely, cause I think everyone thinks bad things about me
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Did you ever look up anything on codependency?
Codependency is definitely a good shout, also look into RSD (rejection sensitivity) https://youtu.be/08F19rMon5U?si=xGJ222huDhC0W-4S
Hope you can find a way to forgive yourself, we all just do what we learned and what we need to, to survive. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, you may just have some unhelpful behaviours. Over time, and with the right help you can work on finding different ways to meet your needs. All the best, I know it’s a tough journey <3
This reminds me of the diagnostic criteria of BPD, but don’t diagnose yourself (or let the internet do it). Imo, you need a proper therapist like, yesterday. I also hope your family is supporting you, because regardless, your actions sound like a cry for help. I hope you find it.
Honestly, this really sounds like BPD, please seek professional help.
Are you able to get to your nearest emergency department? If so, I suggest that is what you do now. All of your comments are concerning and need to be addressed by someone trained to help you.
You’re terrified of people leaving you, because you don’t understand the rules of relationships, and how to make people stay. You don’t know how you’re allowed to defend yourself or treat others. It’s covert narcissism. You’re not evil, you’re hurt. Your dignity was hurt to the point, you feel like you have to make people prove they love with you and stay by you when you need them the most. It turns into a test everytime you feel them slipping away.
You just have to reorient your dignity, how others are allowed to treat you, how you’re allowed to treat others. You have to learn the “rules” of it all, fair for everyone. A good relationship is one that allows you to heal, grow, change, and exist with dignity and agency. Not manipulating people to change for xyz personal reason. Existing itself should not be “a let down” and if anybody makes you feel that way, it hurts your dignity. It reduces you. And you have to change how you act to counter it. But.. it’s a correction that didn’t need to be corrected, so changing yourself becomes coping mechanisms… Stop viewing friendships like an audience you have to win over. You have to view them like… They are going to be there for you, even when you’re wrong, even when you mess up, because they love you, you just have to trust that they will. And not test it. Because testing it is destroying their dignity… And making them think “I love you, but to continue loving you, I have to love you at my own expense”. So it’s a self-fulling prophecy of abandonment when you keep testing people to make sure they love you. I feel like one of your parents is probably a narcissist… But it’s not your fault you ended up with a warped warning system.
I’m sorry you’re going through this..
Heyy itss okayy to be that way
I was same as you and did all the things back in 9th class when i was 14 to get attention but trust me everything will be fine you will forgive yourself for all those things you have done
They arent bad things so do not live in guilt
My advice is to forget and move on past all those things and always remember self harm isnt the only solution take caree buddy❤️
Hey love—this sounds like borderline personality disorder. For a proper diagnosis, seek a mental health doctor. Medication can alleviate depression and anxiety symptoms but people like us are our WORST when we are in a relationship. Mush soft suggestion is to look into a group type of program to start like Co-Dependents Anonymous or Sex + Love Addicts Anonymous. There are online and in person meetings pretty much everywhere. I’ve heard great things about DBT and CBT therapies.
But the biggest thing—in my opinion—if you are ruining someone’s life with your behavior, the best thing you can do for them is leave them until you have done the work to harness a safe and loving relationship.
Narcissistic and emotionally manipulative people tend to gravitate towards people like us as well so be wary. This behavior originates from trauma, neglect, and abuse. There is no cure but we can minimize and even be rid symptoms with proper therapy and effort in a program.
You have a personality disorder. Like one hundred percent you have some form of a personality disorder that has been left untreated for too long.
Get help.
You don’t sound soulless, you sound like you’re suffering.
Try therapy, worst case scenario it isn’t for you but I doubt it’ll make your condition worse.
I don’t think you’re a psychopath, you wouldn’t care much about other people’s views.
Narcissist or Borderline is possible, but it could also be a completely different underlying cause.
Regardless, I don’t think you’ll find your ultimate answer here and I think that the least a mental health professional could do for you is point you in the right direction.
Your actions remind me of me, but I’m not sad or feel bad when performing them.
I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this. Please know that you do have value and people will (and some already do) see that. Please seek professional help. It makes a world of difference.
Please, get help. You’re not a psychopath and you’re not soulless. It’s possible you’re numb, and that’s normal for a lot of people. It sounds like you’re suffering- and you don’t have to be. Go to therapy, or admit yourself. It’s hard at first but it pays off.
My friend. I don’t know what happened to you, but I’m sure it is something that is still hurting. So I just want to say you this: every single person in the world, it doesn’t matter how self-confident they are, everyone, questions themselves. You are not weaker, you are not a bad person. You are questioning yourself because you want to be the best version of you. And that, already makes you great.
Now, I’m going to give you an idea of how to improve your mental health and focus your mind in something else than putting yourself down. Everyday, as soon as you get up, open your phone or a book, whatever, and write one goal for your day. It can be anything: to drink 2l of water, to read a chapter of a book, to learn a sentence in another language. Choose something that isn’t part of your routine. Try and choose something different everyday, but it has to be something that requires repetition. Whenever you notice you are starting to drift to any bad thoughts, force yourself to focus on your challenge of the day.
I promise, if you do that, it will help.
Sending you a big virtual hug. You will be okay!
rejection is caused when someone dislikes an aspect of you they cant cope with, when you are shoving this trauma onto them they are going to be scared or bewildered by what you do, if you dont want this to happen then you have to understand why it happens because if someone dislikes you its because of a reason.
you probably have moments of extreme regret after you do something drastic, but don’t know what to learn/ do from it, people on the internet cant give you validation, nor can the people around you. you are the only person who can better yourself, every time you do something wrong you have to learn from that mistake and expand upon yourself from zero.
theres no such thing as good or evil, there are only actions, and reasons for those actions, your manipulation of people happens because your backed into a corner, and don’t know what to do, theres no point in bribing someone with suicide or self harm as it will only drive them further away from you, you should know that.
everyone has an identity inside of them, you can learn who you are by trying things for yourself, like taste in food, hobbies, or philosophy, create your own identity that exists in you. but you have to go out there instead of staying at home and ignoring advice, you cant change anything if you don’t try to.