So it’s my Dad’s funeral tomorrow. His wife never found out I was born. I only know of the funeral from my older half brother from his previous marriage.
I don’t want to upset his current family, but I do look like him. He was always good to me and he was as present as he could be in my life, while keeping the secret. I need to be there, for me. I’m going to find it hard calling him his actual name, and not Dad.
What do I do? Pretend I’m someone else?
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You don’t owe anyone your truth at his funeral if it’ll just bring you pain. Go, grieve, call him Dad in your heart, and let the rest stay unspoken if that’s what keeps you safe.
wow this is a tough question. either way i feel like the family will accept it. reminds me of jerry springer, after he died a video was released and revealed he had secret kids. does it bother you being a secret?
Can you lean on your older half brother for comfort? Maybe y’all can help each other through this difficult time.
do the funeral. You need your closure. If any of the family have question dont lash out. Again they might not have any knowledge of the situation. they might be grieving as well and then knowing that person kept this kind of secret is going to hurt. I wish you luck for the funeral and comfort for your loss
Sorry you’ve lost your dad. I’d tread carefully, his wife finding that out at the funeral would be pretty life altering. I hope it goes ok, and you get some closure
Go because you need to. But stay towards the back. You don’t need to talk to anyone, so you don’t need to call him Dad. If you need to with your half-brother just make sure it’s out of hearing for anyone else. Funerals can bring closure, so don’t deny yourself that if it feels right for you to go. Let your half-brother know your plans, just out of respect for him, that he’s not blindsided.
Go to the funeral … Grieve…. Keep your privacy… The following week, meet with an attorney so that you can understand how to check if there is a will in place. If there is no will, you rightfully should be one of his heirs. The wife will find out and that is her problem. At some point, it should never have been a secret. I am sorry for your loss.
Don’t pretend you’re someone else.
Just say something vague like “a friend”.
If anyone seems really inquisitive, say you’d be willing to talk some other time.
It’s hard bc attending funerals allows us to be witnessed and supported in our grief by others who knew about our relation with the deceased. And you may have a lonely or at least quieter experience of this.
But if you feel moved that this is respectful way to say goodbye to your Dad, go. He was your father too.
How does your older half-brother know about you? Was it from another person that you can hide behind? You’ll have at least 2 support people? Is it possible to plan a mini memorial with just your half-brother after the funeral where you can be more open with your feelings?
I don’t think you need to take on the burden of keeping other people from harm. It’s not your fault. But in order to avoid harming yourself (eg, the family finding out and throwing you out or something), I’d go low-key. Stay towards the back?
My husband was the secret son at his Dad’s funeral. I went with him and we sat in the back. It was a good, therapeutic experience for him.
Make sure you bring someone with you for support. You shouldn’t have to be alone in that situation. I’m sorry for your loss.