Last week, I found myself in a position I wouldn’t wish onto any other human being. An active shooter on my campus. He tried to come into my office. I heard the shots and screams. I saw the police running with guns. I saw the bodies of people being dragged out in slings not knowing if they were alive or not. I didn’t know if the friends and coworkers that were in the building he went into came out alive. I lost someone that day. I started drinking 3 days after the shooting. I find myself drinking more and more, not enough to have a hangover, but enough for me to be in the moment, numb from the feelings of guilt, shame, and exhaustion. This is my last semester before I graduate. I walk on that stage and pick up my diploma in a couple days. This year has felt like I’ve been losing this battle with mental health and the shooting definitely made it easier for me to ignore rather than feel.
I want to be okay again. I know I will be. It’s just so difficult.
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I am so sorry, please, get help now before things spiral. Do you feel safe?
I work in addiction recovery, and though I don’t know you, the thought of you being at rock bottom scares me.
David Hogg??
I don’t want to trigger bad memories, but as you make an AMA by yourself: How was it in this moment when the shooting happened?
Like, you locked the door of your office and got into hiding once you heard the gunshots? If the attacker wanted to break through the door, i guess it would have been possible, when it isn’t some reinforced security door?
Coming from Europe, my country never had a single school shooting. But i was on the ATM of the Bank in 2004 in Zürich, when the shooting inside the building happened, as an angry ex worker killed his boss and others. I actually did mistake the gunshots for some fireworks, because i’m not used to this in public. We have a lot of guns and ranges in Switzerland, but there’s no problem with guns, crime and shooting in public.
So i just heard the bangs of the gun and i walked away with “Some idiot is throwing fireworks around here”, i had no idea what was happening just one floor level above me.
Check yourself into therapy or rehab. All my sympathies.
Get professional help. Nothing wrong with needing help. You drinking to calm yourself is a sign that you have been psychologically injured by the incident . Please get help
Obligatory advice bc I’m from the Midwest and it would be even weirder to send casserole:
Favourite cheese?
My condolences to you OP . But you have you think to yourself, weather you knew the person or not that sadly passed away that day … I’m sure they would want you to take full advantage of the luck you have of surviving that day . Don’t let that lunatic claim another life by freezing in fear and choosing to self harm , because that’s what it is rather the self medicating. But my heart does break for you and all involved. I also speak from the heart , that person would want you to live your life to the fullest rather then let that coward keep harming you . It took me way to long to realize my good friend would rather me live a good and long life instead of feeling guilt or fear that stemmed from 1 horrific day. I hope you get well soon . ❤️
Hi Op, I have had gunmen on my campus twice in my life, and had someone with an unknown weapon wait outside my classroom to kill a classmate once. It’s fucked up that we’re living like this, and what’s worse is how people will try and gaslight us into thinking it’s normal or nothing can be done. I just wanted to stop in and say I’m sorry. I also hope you find something better to numb the pain and PTSD. The best advice I can give is to not engage with the idiots online who will never know what it’s like to be in those shoes. It will only make things worse for both of you .
Going to public events was hard for a while. I still get nervous at festivals and concerts. There’s no way of knowing what your own brand of ptsd will be until you experience it. I hope you find peace.
I also had this happen in school. Somehow it feels like it’s someone else’s life. I’m now older. I remember it. I don’t relive it…..
Re-live it. Therapy helped me.
I’m terribly sorry for what happened to you. You should seek professional help. Even if you think it will not help, or not worth the time, being able to relieve what happened with the help of a professional will help you cope. Drinking is not the solution to any problems
PLEASE trust me getting help right now will be so so so much easier than waiting until you’re 5 years into alcoholism, homeless, no family or friends around.
It was only a week ago. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your body/mind is processing the trauma. Right now short term self care is the most important thing. If it means you need to get wasted, or comfort eat, sleep with a random person, go scream into a pillow, etc. Then that’s fine.
If you still feel this way weeks/months after the event then you should start to worry. But right now all you’re doing is giving yourself a hard time unnecessarily which us going to cause a negative spiral in your mental health.