*** edited to add that I want to go off more so for me to feel better rather than giving her the ammunition because I could care less if she wants to twist and manipulate what I say. I just feel like there’s some things that I need to get off my chest.
I’m sure that a majority of you all by now are very familiar with the situation with my MIL in regard to her making my labor and postpartum about what SHE wanted and what SHE expected.
I’ve posted a couple of times in the last week about how she continues to try to manipulate my SO into getting me to agree to visiting with them or having them visit to see LO. I’m not quite sure at this point how many outfits she’s packed in her bag, but she is still on a guilt trip. In the last week she not only has messaged me twice, but has also messaged SO trying to guilt and manipulate her way back in.
She even took it as far as asking SO if there has “been any progress” with what I assume with me deciding on when they can come around.
Today she messaged SO asking questions about LO, saying she is “really sad that her and FIL still haven’t had a chance to see LO in so long”. Then she went on saying that me and SO used to come over to visit with him and now she has to go to SO’s place of employment to see him for a few minutes. Boo fucking hoo. Not my fault.
Then she sent me a message and the first sentence is what ticked me off the most: “Hey OP, I wish you were ready to talk.” Followed by the typical I this, I that statements along with a tangent of casual conversation type talk, which was really strange. She then ended it with “Just let us know when we can get together.”
It is taken so much self-control to not respond to her and give her not just a piece of my mind, but the full spectrum of how my what used to be sadness over the situation has now switched to pure anger. It’s incredibly difficult because I know that I should not respond and let her wallow in her own pity. But a part of me is wanting to just either let her have it or tell her the more that she tries her manipulation tactics, the further it drives me away and the less interest I have in her ever coming around me or LO again.
I have also made it very clear to SO, and he knows, that if he wants to go and visit with them, that’s on him if he wants to do that I am not stopping him, but I’m not going to sit here and have her trying to make it seem like I’m the reason why he doesn’t go around her. She’s a freaking manipulative and infantilizing psycho.
I need advice, AGAIN!
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Other posts from /u/SlightlyBitter47:
MIL thinks that if she begs for forgiveness hard enough then she will get what she wants in return, 1 week ago
MIL’s fake apology saga continues: still the victim, still no accountability, 1 week ago
MIL talks to SO in a baby voice all. the. time., 2 weeks ago
MIL sent a fake apology, SO is playing both sides and I am over it., 3 weeks ago
Update kind of? Apology was given, BUT…, 3 weeks ago
UPDATE: Still bitter and carrying resentment towards MIL’s behavior after having my baby, 1 month ago
Story time: Clumsy MIL and her obsession with holding my baby, 3 months ago
MIL made my traumatic labor all about her, and I’m still angry months later, 3 months ago
MIL wants us to take LO around multiple family members….the SAME DAY we told IL’s we aren’t taking LO around anyone during flu season, 3 months ago
MIL is upset with us because we don’t want to bring LO around their family during flu season, 3 months ago
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I was just reflecting about being in this situation a couple years ago. I chose to blow up and tell my JNMIL how terrible I thought she was and to never contact me again.
I wish I hadn’t.
Now hear me out. I’m a stiff backbone, take no BS type of woman. So when I say I regret it, it’s truly for good reason.
I handed her the ultimate golden victim card in doing so. She immediately spun it to everyone, and still does to this day. That she tRiEd but that mean DIL (me) sent her the nastiest message.
I gifted her a sob story. But had I not, had I just gotten my emotions in check and ignored her, her rage would’ve boiled over and she would’ve ousted herself.
It’s a ticking time bomb. Don’t pull the fuse just because you’re so upset (and rightfully so). It’ll blow all on its own and you’ll be better for it.
But I blew because I was emotionally immature and she won. That’s the reality.
Just block her number and do not engage in an conversation about her.
I’ve been in a similar situation. Response is a reaction and they crave reactions. Whenever you feel the need to respond, imagine her face when she sees your name on her phone – she’ll be elated. It’s proof you’re ready to speak, she’s on your mind, and she finally can open her case and get attention to feed her ego.
Now I’m imagine her face when you’re silent. She’s seething. She’s troubled. She can’t release this pent up lecture she wants to unleash on you already. Silence screws with the mind more than anything else.
When you speak, she can gauge how to slither her way back in and manipulate you. When you’re quiet, she can’t plot a strategy cause she has no idea how to provoke you.
The next time she asks your SO for a progress report, tell him he can tell her there will be NO progress until she takes FULL accountability for ALL the nasty things she’s pulled, sincerely apologizes (yeah, right, I know), and demonstrates continued changed behavior for an amount of time that YOU, as the injured party, decide. And he can also tell her that this is her LAST chance to fix this. Any attempts at deflection, or making herself the victim again, or blaming everyone else except herself for the things she has done will be taken as a refusal on her part to “mend” the relationship she, and only she HERSELF, has broken.
He needs to tell her that neither he nor you will entertain any more of her pity parties or fauxpologies. And that if, IF, she comes up with a truly genuine apology and starts acting like she realizes that YOU are your baby’s mother, that does NOT mean she can come swooping and screaming into your home and your lives again (sorry, right now she reminds me of this giant shrieking bird of prey that keeps trying to swoop in and ruin your life again). That it will take time for you to process, and that forgiveness is never guaranteed, particularly when the behavior has been as aggregious and continuous as hers has consistently been.
And then I’d keep her blocked for eternity because you and I both know that she prefers to whine and play victim and is incapable of self-reflection and positive personal growth. Her victimhood, special fee-fees, lying, and whining are far, far more important to her than her son, you, and her grandchild. I’m so sorry, she sounds absolutely awful and draining.
Edited to correct spelling.
[deleted]
It has been my experience that my silence and indifference sent the clearest message.
This isn’t even a MIL problem anymore. It’s a SO problem. He shouldn’t be subjecting you to any of MILs BS. He should have shut her down long ago. Instead he is letting the woman he should love, the mother of his child, suffer emotional abuse from his mother.
Based on your previous posts, MIL is so set on believing that she hasn’t done anything wrong, that she has only ever supported you, and that she was invited to the hospital when you gave birth. Nothing you do or say will make her believe otherwise. You may as well go talk to a brick wall. You losing it on her is only going to give her more ammunition.
I think that your only move here is to give your SO an ultimatum. Either he stops subjecting you to MIL, or your relationship won’t last. Your baby is still so young and you’ve already put up with so much. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
Not reacting is so much better. If you react she will inly twist it around. You don’t want contact. Your OH needs to support you in this
I know the temptation is so strong to confront her, to respond.
But no matter what you say, no matter how eloquently or factual you make it – she will not hear what you are saying. She will take whatever you say and spin it so she’s the victim (at least in her mind).
The worst thing you can do to a toxic, manipulative person is ignore them. Trust me, this is getting to her. That’s why she messaged you. She wants you to know you are still thinking of her.
I would honestly block her, even if it’s a temporary one. Tell DH that you need some more space and her messaging you does not help so you are blocking her until you can get in the right headspace (whether that’s forever is all your call).
I also found that taking up a physical sport helps release tension. Kickboxing is a great JNMIL stress reliever.
You have to hold firm. Otherwise the battle of the wills will be lost and its all over. She is in charge. Is she not blocked BTW??
Do not respond, if you are done, be done.
I do agree that your husband should be standing up for you though when she runs her mouth.
A simple “Enough Mom, you know exactly why WE do not come around much anymore.”
And even as far as “You pushing yourself on OP is how you ended up in this situation, leave her alone. Keep this up and you won’t see any of US at all.”
Emphasis on the US and WE, not you and her. Good luck, I’ve followed your story and your MIL is bananas.
Advice? You‘re handling yourself really well, Op. She’s on the back foot and she knows it. Your SO knows exactly where you stand, which is positive. It’s on him to wrangle his parents and their neediness, not you. Just delete her message and ignore. Come here where you are surrounded by people who get it and vent it out.
So this isn’t advice, this is how I redirect my irritation when the narc next door bothers me cuz she says the stupidest shit. I garden, cook (big sharp knives and heavy pans are very therapeutic), and if I’m really crabby, do a meditative doodle art called Zentangle. There are videos online, the supplies are easy and cheap. Paper and a couple of micro pens. Or you can pamper yourself and buy the more expensive Zentangle branded paper, pens, and pencil.
When DH’s sisters were pissing me off, I doodled and inked my anger away because attention, any attention feeds them. Don’t feed the emotional vampires. Silence and indifference is the way. (I did draw some rather unflattering cartoons and I wrote a really unflattering comedy—laughing helps.)
Leave her on read.
Block her texts.
Her: “I wish you were ready to talk.”
OP: “And I wish you’d admit you lied about me saying you could come into the delivery room, but here we are, with you not admitting to your actions and still lying to everyone that I said you could. We both know I NEVER did and that’s the tip of the iceberg for your actions. Until you take accountability, your “apologies” are seen as lies as well, and I wish you you were ready to talk about that!”
😈
Can you write for example “For each attempt I’ll add 1 year of no contact so now it is 35 years of no contact with my baby. Please continue with your tantrum as I want to end with more years of no contact than your life expectancy” and mean it?
Because now she continues and one day one of you will be so tired of this that you let her in. There are no consequences for her as it is now. No blocking her so she keeps harassing you so happily.
i agree with other commenters that silence is the best move for now – especially while you’re burning-hot angry. wait till your anger is cold and strategic.
whether you eventually address her or DH about going forward, you need to force the conversation to be grounded in reality. for instance:
i wish you were ready to talk – it’s not about whether i’m ‘ready’, it’s about whether i want to talk.
i don’t understand how to make it better – i would like you to acknowledge your lie(s) and agree that you won’t do XYZ or anything like it again.
you always/you never: – actually, we did/did not XYZ. (no further explanation and no justification. let the facts be the last things out of your mouth.)
everyone has been so hurt by this – well DH/MIL, it’s important for us to keep track of the timeline. who was hurt first?
now that you’re done NC, we can forget about all this! – i don’t feel respected by collective amnesia. i will feel respected through changed behaviour.
can’t a person make mistakes!?!?? – i won’t equate intentional lies with mistakes. they’re not the same thing and we all know that.
OP, your MIL is a special kind of stupid. I just cannot believe that she keeps reiterating over and over again that you told both her and your father-in-law that they could be in the delivery room. This is even after her own son told her that that was never said. Even a stupid person might say something like “oh it must’ve been a miscommunication.” This tells me that she cares more about gaslighting you and trying to control the narrative than she does about seeing her grandson.
I’m seeing a lot in your pasts posts that she keeps saying she “misunderstood” and thought “you said it was okay to come in delivery room” I would be very blunt with her that you if you haven’t already, that you had specific rules in place PRIOR to going into labor for a reason. It sounds like you were exhausted and agreed to let them in at one point because you were so out of it. Tell her that doesn’t count and she should have know better, having been in labor once herself. It just seems like she’s focusing on that specific moment as “permission” tell her she took advantage of you at your most vulnerable and its very possible you’ll never get over it. The only thing they can do now is give you time and space and prove they have some respect for your wishes.
“MIL my labor and delivery should not have been about you. My postpartum time is not about you, and the last thing on my mind right now is catering to you. For every guilt tripping ‘poor me’ nonsense message you send me or SO, it will be a full week before I even think about when to next visit you.
So far that means you will not be on my mind again until [June]. Give me one word of argument, or one more ‘but I didn’t understand something a five-year-old would have’ (like you did when you barged into my labor room after being told you weren’t welcome to be at the hospital at all) and that will easily turn into [September]. Enough is more than enough.”
Tell your SO to tell her that every time she contacts you it adds more time to the list of when you will talk to her again. Don’t tell her how much time though.
How is she messaging you? BLOCK HER.