My boyfriend and I have had an extremely smooth relationship the whole time. Recently though, with what’s been happening in Europe, especially with the overrepresentation of immigrants in crime statistics, his views have changed significantly. He’s always been a very political person, but now he talks about kicking all the immigrants out just so no chances are taken. All of them. And he says he doesn’t care about the collateral damage, even when it comes to asylum seekers who are genuine or truly need help. He says he’d rather not take any of them in than risk another murder or rape.
And honestly, I think that sounds reasonable on the surface. I understand the fear. Why would you take people into your country who might harm you? But still, I can’t shake this feeling. I feel hated now. Or unsafe, in a way I’ve never felt before with him.
What used to be a relationship that made me feel secure and completely loved now makes me feel this self-hate or unease. I’m from a “third world country,” literally one of the places he says he’d ban immigration from, and that hurts. I feel like he hates a part of me too, even if he doesn’t realize it. I feel scared. I don’t know exactly why. But whenever he opens up this topic, I just feel so uncomfortable.
Of course I feel terrible for the victims, for the people who were hurt by those they welcomed and tried to help. It’s heartbreaking. But when he sends me those stories, I can’t help but feel like he’s pointing fingers. Like he’s saying, “See? This is what your people do.” And that makes me feel so sad. Like he would vote for policies that would directly harm me as an immigrant without thinking twice.
I’ve brought it up before, and he just says things like, “But you’re an exception,” or “This doesn’t apply to you,” or “People who are in relationships with ethnic Europeans are different.”
But what does that mean? That if I weren’t in a relationship with him, he’d want me deported too? That I’d just be seen as a threat because of my ethnicity and background? It makes me feel small. Like I’m only safe as long as I stay close to him. Like I don’t belong here unless I have a white man by my side to vouch for me.
I don’t want to seem selfish. I know there are big issues at play, But I’m lost. How am I supposed to handle this? I feel this shift… How do I stay close to someone whose beliefs are starting to push me away? Am I dramatic?
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I think the way you’ve interpreted his words are exactly what he means and that’s scary, disappointing at the very least. I’m sorry 😔
You are not dramatic, your feelings are totally valid. You feel like by rejecting people similar to you your boyfriend is rejecting you. That by saying they are less deserving and worse than Europeans, it applies to you too. What is happening in some European countries is not pleasant, so his opinion is valid too (not that I support it). I suggest to agree with him that for now you will not be discussing this topic as I don’t see you reaching an agreement here. Best to not discuss and for him to not voice his opinions in front of you
“Good for thee” thing here. It’s only going to get worse.
You’re not an exception. What your boyfriend wants would apply to you, and lots of people like you. He is actively making you feel unsafe.
Dump him.
You’re not being overdramatic, it’s very reasonable to feel hurt and appalled when someone close to you reveals their true ugliness.
Let’s be real here, even in same country we segregated each other to different classes or even last-name group like the Hans chinese versus the rest of chinese. Just because you are from same country doesn’t mean you are same group of people, he just need to be more informed. I bet even in his own country he looks down on certain group of his own national/ethnicity.
I’m so sorry. Is there any way that you can get some therapy? You’re dating a monster and don’t seem to even know that you’re supposed to leave.
Idk be mad at the people behaving like this and not your bf wanting a safe city for his girlfriend
I mean, if he’s against illegals that’s completely fair. I would maybe sit down and disassociate my identity with a group that is here through crime.
You’re dating a white supremecist. Are you really okay with that? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who automatically views all brown/black people as criminals?
His quote that you’re an exception because you’re dating an ethnic European (him) is just gross as well. He’s basically saying that only white people should have a say about who belongs in the country. And, he has the authority to give you a stamp of approval because he truly belongs here. Again, because of his skin color.
It’s important to understand that you have that 6th sense for a reason. It’s there to keep you safe. Even if you take all the immigrant info out, your feelings are valid and there for a reason. NEVER discount them.
You’re not actually an exception in his eyes, and it seems like he enjoys reminding you that he views you as “other.” I would reconsider this relationship.
Tell him to watch the news with what’s going on in the States about people who voted for Trump and are immigrants and are being deported. You’re an immigrant whether he likes or not so the deportations can apply to you just like every other immigrant.
A week ago a 4 year old girl with cancer was deported, what makes your boyfriend think that you would be safe? He’s an idiot.
Dump the racist.
Where the world is now, he could get you hurt or end up hurting you himself. Leave
Listen to the stories of the idiots in the US who voted for trump and then had their husband/wife/mother/mail order bride/grandparents/whoever deported and now suddenly well they obviously didn’t mean their PARTNER, they meant the other immigrants that they don’t know. So stupid. So foolish. You are not the exception to the rule. He is talking about you. And others like you.
Idk where you live, but many countries in Europe show no correlation between rates of immigration and crime, or its often highly contested (I have a Master degree in migration policy, and can tell you that a) interpreting the data correctly is very difficult, and b) the best way to reduce immigrant crime is through clear and consistent migration policy, and strong, culturally sensitive integration programs)
Also, there are laws against crime. Trying to predict who is a criminal based on broad scale profiling is just… pointless?
By that logic all the Europeans should also be kicked out, just to be safe, because there are plenty of of Europeans who have raped and murdered people. In fact, there isn’t a type of people who don’t have rapists and murderers among them. Maybe your bf should go live in isolation if he wants to avoid murderers and rapists. In fact, you should help him get started by leaving him because he’s clearly not smart enough to keep you.
your boyfriend has been indoctrinated into the alt-right pipeline and has accepted these views as his own. dont be “one of the good ones.” just leave. he will trample your self esteem while attacking your people and do his best to isolate you from your culture.
Your boyfriend brings politics in the situation and even points it out towards you… I mean like I’m Dutch I agree with your boyfriend most definitely. But I also date a native fillipina who’s well from the Philippines.. 😂🤣😂Maybe tell him he should stop involving politics for if you didn’t already. I don’t think politics have a place in a relationship.
If you weren’t his boyfriend you would be out on your ear too because you would be of no practical benefit to him. What is it he thinks you provide for him that makes you so irreplaceable? Sex? It can’t be that anything else is that important to him.
You know what the score is.
My uncle was racist, he would say his wife is “one of the good ones,” stuff like that. His son was born and luckily was snow white, but really is this any kind if life? Next step, your bf will want you to stand up publicly and spout his narrative. Every race has criminals and good people. It’s silly to think you can label one group as good or bad.
Your boyfriend really understands nothing.
Please just stand up for yourself. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
I think I get how he feels. when you think about immigrants you don’t know it’s easy to think they should come legally. But if your neighbor is an immigrant (hes a great guy) he’s the exception.
It means you need to move on. Tell him the truth. You’re not an exception. You’re just like them. You are them. If he’s not ok with them being in the country then he’s not ok with you being in the country and that makes you feel not safe.
He’s a bigot and you need to break up with him before he completely destroys your self confidence!
You are not an exception. And the minute you guys have some sort of argument or he gets pissed at you he’s going to want to ship you right off like everybody else. I don’t know why you would even consider being with this man.
Do you think he would love a child that is half where he wants to “ban all immigration from”?
Is he even serious about your relationship?
Girl, have some self respect.
He wants YOUR KIND to be deported because he thinks they will ” murder or rape”…but not you? Open your eyes, you save him from loneliness and also give him sexual pleasure, thats why he thinks “you are one of the good ones”.
But if you don’t mind being that for him, then you do you, just don’t expect any respect, afterall, he is at risk of being raped or murdered by you.
I ain’t reading that trash. Kick him to the curb, preferably a few times in the sack on the way out.
Why would you stay with someone with such extreme differences in basic values
Basically he doesn’t care what happens to others, as long as it doesn’t happen to him or anyone he cares for. Some people have compassion for others – many people don’t. I wouldn’t stay with him.
The sad part is that if you ever break apart for whatever reason (even if it’s not this topic) you’ll end in that bucket due to sheer resentment.
Can you convince him that perhaps a more surgical approach is the right thing to do, with both extra leniency (for legit reasons) and extra punishment (for obvious offenders)? I’d like to believe that that’s a middle ground that dissipates the fear as well.
We tend to generalize individuals into people because it’s less effort, but the truth is that the people that do the most noise are a minority by themselves.
Migrants ain’t an issue: criminals and entitled people are the issue. A lot of Migrants believe that since their previous lives were a hellhole the world owes them and they should be pampered elsewhere, and it grows into resentment and crime when they migrate as all they’ve known is hatred. Conversely you’ll see that the Migrants that adapt the faster/the most to their new landscape are the ones who are most prone to succeed and avoid criminality.
Woke people ain’t an issue: it’s the small obnoxiously loud ones that are as racist and sexist as those whom they blame.
Conservatives and MAGA ain’t the issue: corrupt narcissistic individuals capitalizing on ignorance and fear of people’s are the issue
Liberals and democrats ain’t the issue: corrupt narcissistic individuals capitalizing on ignorance and fear of people’s are the issue
Israel ain’t the issue: its corrupt government that keeps perpetuating wars in order to avoid their own justice to be served are the issue.
Palestina and irán ain’t the issue: the radically religious belligerent people are the issue.
Capitalism ain’t the issue: people that don’t believe in fair trade and instead exploit the system without regard for anything else are the issue.
Comunism ain’t the issue: selfish people atop the political chain that doesn’t belive in equality and instead exploit the system without regard for anything else are the issue.
(Note: see how I did explicitly finish both paragraphs with the same wording as I do believe that in a global environment both systems are the 2 sides of the same coin and the coexistence and competition between then is healthy for each other as long as both systems are healthy…. the issue is that right now both systems are exploited and rotten to the core)
You’re 24. You’re old enough to know what disrespect looks like.
Yes, as long as you serve him your body you can stay, else he has no inherent worth for you as a human. This is also what values your kids will hear from him.
If someone believes a few people are the exception, that means they believe most of a certain type of people matter less. They deserve less.
It comes from a place where other people have to suffer for them to feel better, or their success comes at the expense of others.
Bigotry. Prejudice. Hate.
Why would you want to be with someone like that?
Please leave and find a safe place
ok then dump him, simple as that
I’m an immigrant too. I dated a guy who “hated illegal immigrants,” but I was fine because my family came here legally. I was the exception bc my family came here legally, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he saw me as other. That’s when I realized he had so little humanity for immigrants, people who are fleeing their home in search of a better life, doing crappy jobs that they don’t want to do, etc. Yeah, we broke up. My current bf has been back to my home country & admires our cultural differences. He never makes me feel out of place and our politics align 100%.
this has gotten to the point where you will be unsafe in this relationship if you continue.
Rage bait. I don’t believe this is real.
This is happening all over the us rn people like your boyfriend voted for trump and now he is deporting their immigrant spouses and all they can do is cry.
Think this through now – you’re not an “exception”, this guy is vindictive, or massively dumb, or likely both. Are you absolutely sure you’d want to keep someone like this around…? E.g by his way of thinking, if you’re a good person, then there’s a ton of other good people, from your country of origin or another ones, by sheer statistical probability – if he wants to hurt those other good people whom he don’t personally know just cause of their ethnicity, then what would make yourself an exception exactly…?