When I turned 26, I started a serious dialogue with myself about whether or not I wanted kids. I’m now almost 29 years old. In that span of time, I have genuinely stuck with the idea that if I have kids that will be wonderful, if I don’t it won’t be the end of the world. I’m starting to near the age where I can’t be so nonchalant about it and am wondering if anyone can shed light on their experiences of how they knew it was right for them.
For context, I raised both my younger siblings in a verbally and physically abusive household with an absent father and mentally ill mother. My sister had a child last year and I love her to bits. I’m also a teacher who enjoys being around kids and helping them. Any time someone in my life (even my bf’s friends), has a baby, I feel so much joy for them and adore their children. My bf, too, loves kids and is very good with them. He would be a wonderful father (we have been dating for almost 5 years).
I’ve told my bf about my thoughts on kids and he too expresses uncertainty. My main gripe is that I can’t quite figure out if I actually want them or if I just feel it’s what I’m supposed to do because I have a naturally motherly personality. I also firmly believe that having a child is the decision of two people, but it is the woman who, in the end, truly decides. I know I would take very good care of my child, and I would love to see my bf in their personality and features. I feel prepared for all the phases of life (I work with kids and preteens). But somehow.. I feel unconvinced this is enough.
Ever since I was little I made up names for my future children that I still keep to this day. In my tarot, I pulled The Empress when I asked what kind of future awaited myself and my relationship (if you’re into that). I’m a Cancer rising and Pisces moon. I adopted a puppy mill survivor that, for all my moments of impatience, I managed to tell myself to stick with her no matter what (IYKYK). I can’t help but think.. how do I know I want versus what is wanted for me by society or the universe? When did you know you wanted children?