the person I ask for advice for is STILL in hospital, and I need more help.
1.people think of me as the “autistic one.” my friend in the hospital calls it the box of shame. I can’t get close to people or make new friends if I’m the “autistic one”, how do I break this “box”
2.why when my family was discussing a sex scandal at the table, it was inappropriate to mention that anal sex was originally banned in Australia as it was considered “gay”.
3.why is it rude to say “Stop talking to me” when someone is pestering me with questions.
Comments
Soz to hear about ur friend, hope they get better soon. Now, for ur concerns. Mate, labels are just boxes people use when they can’t deal with the full you. Embrace ur autism, don’t see it as a box of shame. Everyone’s a lil quirky, so don’t let it stop u fro mingling.
As for socially awkward topics, it’s all about context bro, family dinners ain’t đłď¸âđ history lessons. Usually, itâs best to keep the vibes light, ya dig? And rudeness is subjective mate. While pls stop would sound chill, harsh words never feel cool. No one likes to feel shutdown in convos. Keep it cool, keep it polite. Peace.
Yeah, both your examples are not bad things to say on paper, but they are things that cause strong emotional responses in the vast majority of people. Might even trigger memories of earlier trauma ( sexual violence ; identity based repression; being shut down or ignored in conversations).
So you get a defensive response, possibly even fight/flight
. No it’s not reasonable, by definition. But it’s very predictable and logical. Try to teach yourself a different approach if you dislike such emotional responses.
Well, mostly talking about sex is acceptable if youâre only with one person⌠In private speaking areas. However if youâre in a group of people and you have a hard time, keeping your questions inside of yourself, thatâs OK too. Take a deep breath and slow down⌠Those of us who are not on the spectrum should take the same advice. Youâre exactly the way that you should be and perhaps the rest of us are doing it wrong. The most important thought is to be kind. If you feel like you canât keep your words inside of your head then just remove yourself from a lot of that energy. Thereâs always a bathroom or a backyard or your bedroom to spend some time with yourself. You donât have to be suave or an excellent communicator in order for everyone around you to love you. â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
Fellow internet stranger with autism, I might be able to shed some light on your concerns.
This is a facile statement. You can fully well make friends in spite of having autism. The trick is to show the personality and idiosyncratic traits that define you as you – establishing your character beyond the âtism. For me, I know I donât explicitly like to talk to people. So instead what Iâll do is attract attention through one of my various hyper interests or hobbies. When people see me folding an origami Spinosaurus, they come to me to look at it, allowing me to engage in conversation. When they see me coding on my Steam Deck, my fellow tech enjoyers come to me to talk. Itâs all about putting yourself out there, without actually doing so.
There are 4 major maxims of conversation OP: Quantity, Quality, Relation, and Manner. In short, a conversation needs all of 4 of these aspects or you risk damaging the conversation itself in some way. You violated the Relation maxim, as what you said wasnât relevant to the conversation being had. Yes, the topic was the same generally speaking (as anal sex does indeed relate to sex), but it wasnât related to the major discussion as a whole: scandals. Because it was unrelated, it was seen as inappropriate. Those little bits of subtext are difficult for us to pick up on, so analyzing where you went wrong is super important in keeping conversations flowing well.
To put it simply, itâs too blunt. I myself am an exceedingly blunt person, however – I have the sense to be aware that tact is necessary in many instances. It doesnât help that if you have a monotone voice like myself, you come off as aggressive rather than disinterested.
The fact that you led with âstop talking to meâ to someone comes off as actively hostile – not that you need space. Take a step back and look at it from their perspective. What if they were genuinely trying to get your attention because they enjoy your company? You just told someone who likes to be around you: Piss odd, I donât want to be around you.
Thus, itâs better to use statements like: âCould I get some space for a moment please?â Or âSorry, Iâve got to go, can we pick this up another time?â Those are far less outwardly aggressive and cannot be easily interpreted as hostility when in reality you just want some space.