I (27 f) am terrified that I am going to completely blindside the people in my life if I end up ending my life. For many years now it has been a constant underlying feeling for me. I have constantly just felt “off”. But in recent years this feeling has become so frequent and so intense, that I cannot imagine a scenario where I outlive this feeling.
When I was younger I was so confident, outgoing, uninhibited in my daily life and so free in how I was able to connect with other people. I was the kind of person who could befriend anyone, and had no difficulty in social settings, I thrived in this environments and had a natural ability to put myself out there. But something went wrong in my mid teens. My personality completely shifted and I feel like I retreated into myself completely. I because lovely and isolated and this has continued into my adult life. I’m totally the opposite of how I used to be. The only thing I can link it to is a difficult time I had when my family moved us to a new town and I had such difficulty settling in, and could not make new friends at my new school. I became so reclusive and withdrawn since that time. But this does not seem traumatic enough to have caused what I’m feeling these days, but I don’t know what else to trace it to.
Every time I try to throw myself into social settings to try to connect with people and get out of my lonely bubble, I end up disappointing myself with how awkward and withdrawn and empty I am around others. I can no longer hold conversation or small talk. I sense I make people uncomfortable by how quiet and hard to get to know I am, the conversation just stops when I am one -on-one with others and I can see that they sense a strangeness and awkwardness from me. It is such a hard feeling to explain. But it makes me feel so unbelievably lonely and broken and like I’ll never make my way out of this feeling or connect with people the way that I know if vital for me and my happiness. It’s so hard to describe.
I’m good at my job, I’m competent and responsible and I’m very good at playing the part in this setting and behaving professionally. I come across as super put together and have been told this consistently. In casual settings, I have mastered a neutral expression and mask of relaxedness despite feeling well of this internally. My friends think I am ok and put together for this reason. They might think I’m a little shy and awkward but they would never realise how horrible I am actually feeling.
I just feel so unbelievably lonely and broken inside and my attempts to fix it just make me feel worse about who I am and the way I am. I think about dying literally on a daily basis. It floats into my head at work, in social settings, in bed, in the shower, when I’m sitting with my family. It’s constantly there and I’m scared that I’m going to be eventually reach that point and devastate the people around me. I don’t even know why I’m writing this I just feel the lowest I have in a while
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