I’ve been dating this guy for 2 months now. He treats me amazing and is so sweet. But he is inexperienced in relationships and I don’t know if that’s why this issue is happening. I’ve noticed that he does not really like to pay for things or offer to take me out on dates besides concerts that he is already going to.
He lives about an hour away so when he comes it’s for the weekend or overnight. He also brings his laundry over since he doesn’t have a laundry machine in his house after I did offer for him to do it once, but now he brings it without asking.
He makes much less than I do. I make around $70k, he makes around $40k. Knowing this, I have tried to make things fair but maybe it has insinuated to him that I don’t care if he pays for things. For instance, if he bought tickets to a show I’ll buy dinner. I also paid him back for a concert that he invited me to, since it was kind of expensive. I didn’t think he would let me pay him but he did. I also asked if he wanted to go to a different concert with me and he said yes but he has to wait til pay day. So I felt bad and ended up paying for it.
Our first date was hiking. Free. Which is fine, I love hiking. I thought maybe after we would go to a brewery or something but he had plans with friends. Our second date we went hiking and he planned to pick up dinner on the way home which he paid for. Other than that we haven’t done anything besides the concerts that require any spending.
Last night he came over for a movie night. We had been talking about having wine and candy and dinner. I planned to make dinner and got all the ingredients during the day. I ended up not feeling well, so when he got to my house we ended up ordering take out which I paid for. He didn’t say anything or offer to pay his half. He also didn’t bring anything like wine or anything we’d talked about.
He doesn’t have to pay rent. His only real expenses are food and cell phone bill, gas. So I’d argue we are making a similar amount per year given my rent living in a city whereas he lives in the country rent free.
Part of me is really turned off by all this. I know I should communicate with him, but it doesn’t feel like he is trying to impress me or do things for me. It would be one thing if he was really struggling with money, but he says all the time how he frequently eats out for his meals and he needs to stop but doesn’t intend to (probably 1-2 times per day). He says this is why he has $2k of credit card debt that he is slowly paying off. It’s only 2 months in and everything else is good but I’m wondering if I’m being too hard on an otherwise good guy.I’m just concerned because I want to be with someone financially literate and stable.
TL;DR: bf not paying for things and i feel turned off by his apathetic attitude toward financial stability
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>He doesn’t have to pay rent. His only real expenses are food and cell phone bill, gas. So I’d argue we are making a similar amount per year given my rent living in a city whereas he lives in the country rent free.
idk I make 40 and it is TIGHT. and I don’t pay rent either. but I don’t think the higher earner means they should pay more. if he’s eating out a lot he could just suck with money though.
Girl, it’s been 2 months. Why are you even entertaining this guy?
“He treats me amazing” no he does not! If him not paying for anything is him treating you amazing, I’m sorry but you have a very low standard.
Don’t beat yourself up, we’ve all been there. Sadly. But please, level up your standards of men. This guy isn’t it.
NEXT
You’ve set the precedent for the relationship by not communicating your needs. Set clear expectations or end the relationship.
It’s been two months! He should be trying to impress you and he’s just riding on your coattails. If he’s having trouble with money he should be upfront with that and pick up the slack in other ways – plan fun dates that are cheap/free, write you a sweet card or hell, pick a bouquet of wildflowers. He doesn’t seem to be struggling though if he’s dining out all the time. He’s choosing where to spend his money and it’s not on you. It’s not going to get better and you need to decide if you’re okay with that. I personally wouldn’t be.
Tell him that you expect him to pay next time. This isn’t about money. It’s about expectations. He sounds like a guy looking for someone to take care of him. Is that what you want from a romantic relationship?
Trust me, set your expectations early in this type of relationship. Speak up for yourself now.
You seem to already know the answer. You need to talk to him. Before you do you need to figure out what’s important to you and why.
Is he always coming to your place? Then he has some costs with that. But I wouldn’t be happy if I ended up paying the brunt of everything without us talking about it and it being a choice.
About the laundry. If he’s doing it himself at your place, is that ok with you? Or is he assuming you’ll do it for him? The latter would have me asking him to leave and not come back. The first. Well, if that is what makes us able to see each other instead of him sitting at a laundromat? It could be ok. But again. Should be talked about.
I have a friend who used to date a guy who made more than double her income. They made the deal that whomever decides what to do on the date pays for it. They would decide on time and when to see each other jointly, and would take turns being in charge of the dates.
He liked going out to restaurants, so he often chose those types of dates. Especially as he did not enjoy cooking, and paying for it was not an issue. My friend liked the restaurants, but going out and paying for two once a week or so was simply not in her budget, so she often suggested home cooked meals and other lovely but less pricey activities. So she paid with her time, he with his money as their primary currency. Cost is not just the number of dollars we spend. It’s also time and effort. And both of you need to feel ok with what each of you put in.
I was in the same boat, it never got better, I spent years paying for vacations, dinners, fun stuff or we wouldn’t do anything. It sucked. Cut ties before it gets more serious. I get life is expensive and costs should be shared, but after age 30 there’s something to be said for having motivation to improve yourself and your situation. It would be one thing if he was pursuing higher education or saving for a big investment type purchase, but it sounds like you found a handsome, caring, failure to launch type.
Imagine nothing changes and it’s your 1 year anniversary. Who is paying for the nice dinner? You. Are you discussing moving in together? He’s not going to leave a $0 rent situation for half of yours. You’ll be 30, is this man the father of your children, can he provide and contribute equally? No, he cannot even afford to House himself.
Personally I wish I had thought more highly of myself and left my relationship sooner. There are better options out there believe me.
I would just be clear and direct about how you understand his circumstances but need more reciprocation.
You should work together to have a financial plan for your relationship that works for both of you otherwise it’ll just be someone taking advantage and someone feeling resentful.
So long as you’re not mean about it I don’t see why it would hurt his feelings unless he’s insecure about his financial situation but he’s a grown man so should hopefully be mature about these kind of conversations.
At 31 he’s old enough to know better. It’s only been two months. If you don’t want to spend the rest of the relationship hand-holding him through things that should be obvious to him, I’d strongly suggest leaving him now.
He keeps suggesting free dates like hiking, and you’re surprised he isn’t offering to buy you dinner or turning down your offer to pay him back for an expensive ticket he did surprise you with?
Girl. You’re giving him mixed signals.
You’re offering to pay with the expectation that he’ll decline or at least pretend-decline it, but no one ever taught him to do that and now you’re surprised he took you up on it. He suggests free things, you suggest paid things and then get surprised he didn’t offer to pay.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, it sounds like no one taught him the societal niceties of caring who pays for what. But you’re also aware of this and try to play the game anyway, of course you’re going to lose it. That’s the logical outcome.
From his point of view, maybe he keeps offering to spend time with you, and money doesn’t buy happiness, and he can’t afford it anyway (because he spends all his money eating out twice a day). How nice of his gf to offer to pay for everything! After all, she makes twice as much money! And she keeps suggesting things that aren’t free because she can afford it! Because if that wasn’t the case, she’d probably talk about who is paying and make sure it’s in his budget to do it… right?
You’re not wrong, but you are expecting to be spoiled or impressed by a guy with half your income who eats out for every single meal. What exactly are you expecting as the outcome here? You either need to adjust your expectations or find a guy that might actually meet them, but you can’t have your cake and eat it too.
He’s not making you pay. He’s not even asking you to pay. He’s just telling you that things aren’t in his budget, and you’re buying them for him.
Just stop? If you want a partner who will buy you stuff, then tell him that. Discuss with him whether he is willing to change his spending habits so that he has money to spend on you, or if he expects you to pay for whatever outings you want to go on with him. Ask him about his goals lifestyle-wise and see if it aligns with yours.
You really can’t know if hes the right one until you know what you want. “Find out who you are and do it on purpose.”
He makes $40K, doesn’t pay rent, constantly eats out, and doesn’t have the money to spare for a ticket until next payday?
He sounds financially incompetent/undisciplined. It’s not about whether you want to pay his way in life, it’s whether you want to tie yourself to an adult who cannot budget and shows all signs of drowning in debt for the rest of his life
I think you should just say you want to split everything 50/50 for now.
Maybe in the future you can change things, but that seems fair for now. Yes you make
More money but he doesn’t pay rent. He’s also commuting two hours a week to see
You, but using your laundry. Next weekend say you want things to be 50/50
Moving forward so the issue is resolved
Is this even real?
“He treats me so amazing and is so sweet”
No he doesn’t. He is using you.
“But he is inexperienced in relationships”
Being inexperienced doesn’t make you selfish.
“ I also paid him back for a concert he invited me to.”
Why? Just why would you offer when you want him to cover the expense?
You teach people how to treat you.
Two months in and he is 31 and a total cheap ass. DUMP HIM
He has no problem spending money on himself. He’s just selfish and taking advantage of your generosity.
And that would be the case even if you were just buddies and not romantically involved.
I’m all about 50/50. I once dated a guy, and after a couple months I ended up breaking off with him. He had the audacity to tell me I didn’t care about him when I told him I paid for all the dates and he didn’t pay for a single one. I then blocked him 😂
And then I met my boyfriend and we’ve been together for almost 2 years. You should find someone better.
You are a bang maid in training.
I generally don’t like to tell people to change that kind of behavior this early in, I would just end it. I believe in communicating your needs, but generosity is a trait I couldn’t live without in a partner, and paying your fair share/being giving because you are told to, isn’t being generous, it’s being polite.
But if you feel invested in this, just tell him. Don’t sugarcoat it, don’t hint at it, just tell share one or two examples where you were disappointed in his lack of generosity, and ask him if you can have a conversation about sharing/giving/receiving in a relationship.
Don’t mention the fact that he «let you pay him back» for the concert though, that’s 100% on you.
He’s a mooch and at 31, he won’t change. Thankfully it’s only been two months, so it should be a clean exit.
He’s 31 making 40k a year and he simply can’t afford to date end of story. And let’s say you live in an area with a low cost of living and he is living comfortably. He doesn’t like you all that much and he’s taking advantage of you because of the precedent you sent.
Hell I invited a guy that I literally broke things off with to get drinks (I had full intentions of paying) and he STILL paid for the drinks despite me inviting him.
It’s one thing to do nice gestures for a guy, and show that you’re interested. However that type of generosity needs to be earned. Stop being so nice.
Just to add to what everyone is saying: it’s ok to take someone’s financial status into account when dating them. If you are looking for a long term partner, you likely want someone who can support you, someone who could keep the household afloat if you were sick or injured or unemployed, and someone who will enable your long term dreams/life goals (kids, home ownership, world travel, etc). This guy can only support himself on $40k. He can’t afford to also support or treat you on that salary. It doesn’t sound like his financial prospects are going to change dramatically in the near future (like he’s not on a fellowship or in grad school). That doesn’t make him a bad person or a loser, but that might not make him a good long term partner for you and that’s ok. That is reason enough to just end things.
Don’t date men who aren’t generous and financially literate.
Talk to him about it
An hour away is not far enough that you have to stay the whole weekend, lol. Like, that’s a workday commute each way for a lot of people. Also, where does he live that he doesn’t have to pay rent but also doesn’t have a washer?
Fuck his feelings holy shit.
You are two months in and you are so worried about HIS finances to the point you are paying for everything? Being concerned about someone else’s wealth to the point you are sabotaging your own is insane for a two month relationship. STOP IT. Pay your share and if he doesn’t pay for his, he doesn’t get any. You are not a sugar momma, you don’t make enough and his money is HIS problem. The bar is in hell, I swear.
Why are you so afraid of hurting his feelings that you won’t tell him you want to be treated like an equal and not an ATM?
Definitely talk to him and help him do a budget so he has money to pay for things. Getting rid of all the eating out is a good way to start cutting non-essentials. Think about it though, this is probably just the way with finances and if you stayed it will probably get worse
So he’s investing nothing and taking everything? 🥱
It sounds to me like you’ve already made every excuse as to why you are willing to put up with a guy that isn’t emotionally or financially mature, so I’m not exactly sure what advice you want. I think you might just be looking for validation to stay and continue the status quo.
You keep saying, “I don’t want to judge.” When you are dating and selecting potential long-term partners, you are allowed and even expected to make judgment calls based on what you see from others.
If this is what you want and are willing to accept that you will be doing his laundry and paying for everything in exchange for his companionship, then go for it. It’s not what most of us would be settling for, but it’s your life.
He doesn’t ’treat you amazing’ if he shys away from paying and taking you on dates!
He earns $40k, but has no outgoings other than food, fuel and his mobile phone… you’re on equal pegging.
He’s financially mean, I’d personally steer clear of this kind of behaviour. He sounds a long, long way from amazing!