I (35M) recently reconnected with my ex (37F) after two years together. The connection was unlike anything I’ve had, but we also had serious issues that weren’t improving. She kept setting deadlines around marriage, then pushing them back. About nine months ago, I finally said no to another extension and reluctantly let her go. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve made, but I knew how much she wanted children and felt she deserved the chance to find someone more certain.
After the breakup, I focused on work and friends. I wasn’t dating.
We stayed in touch about every two months. At first she reached out, keen to get back together but I wasn’t certain. Two months later, I messaged her clearly expressing hope to get back together, but she was cold. Then, another two months later, she reached out again to see if I was still interested. By that point, I was hesitant, since I had expected more openness from her the last time.
About a month ago, I got in touch again to test the water. Before jumping back into dating seriously I wanted to see if there was anything left to salvage. I now feel ready either to commit or to let go fully.
We ended up speaking for three hours last night. She said she’s been hesitant because of how painful the breakup was, apparently the most traumatic two months of her life, but would be keen to try again if I’m serious. She says she’s not actively dating, just focusing on work, but had been on dating apps in the past. She described waiting for someone to “sweep her off her feet,” but otherwise said she’s content with other parts of her life.
She’s looking for a clear sign of commitment from me. And while I’m open to that, I want to be sure the relationship is truly workable before going all in.
My internal conflict:
We were broken up for several months, enough time has passed that she may have been with and parted up with someone by now. I don’t want to ask directly and make her feel bad, but I also don’t know how I’d respond if I found out later.
Would love to hear from anyone who’s been through something similar.
UPDATE:
Thank you for the responses. There is a clear theme emerging.
I want to add that even if I don’t ask, she will eventually tell me. If it was someone else I probably would just let it go. However one of her quirks is that she would always talk about her exes unprompted and in more detail than I wanted.
She has probed me for intimate details on every ex, every kiss I’ve had since I was 20. And so I really doubt if anything happened it would be out of her mind.
I am 100% not judging her. At the time I actually wanted her to find someone new. But even if I wanted it not to be relevant, I know it will be at some point. I’m just trying to preempt it.
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Why in God’s name would it matter if she was with someone else while you were not together? If that’s enough to change your mind I’d probably reconsider getting back into the relationship
No point in getting back with her if this is a point of contention.
The only reason I would care if she were with someone else would be if she’d had unprotected sex and not been checked since. If you feel she’s responsible enough to take care of this type of thing herself, I would leave it alone.
Also, have you changed your mind about marriage and children in the near future? I gather that’s the reason you two split in the first place?
You sound exhausting. You are making her jump through hoops to try to prove herself, leave her alone and let her heal.
She was single you don’t need to know. Most likely yes she tried (and was cold to you) and it didn’t work out. But it’s very different to cheating she was free to date.
You don’t. What she did when not “with you” matters not.
You are way too old for this behavior. Leave her alone and contact a therapist
What she did while not in a relationship with you is not your business. It just sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to let go when she’s already gone.
You suddenly changed your mind about marriage and children? Because about half a year ago, you seemed to be pretty adamant about not wanting that. Adamant enough to end it. That feels a bit like you haven’t really changed your mind, you just don’t want to let her go for good.
If you cannot find a way to handle whatever happened during that break, that whole thing is doomed anyway. Be sure you want to know. You cannot un-know things. And she had every right to do whatever she did. If you’re certain you want to know, ask her.
I think you’re missing the main issue a bit. The reason you broke up was that she wanted kids and you were unsure. If that issue has not been resolved, don’t get back together.
Have you decided that you definitely want kids now? If not, really you have to let this woman go and find someone else. She is 37, to be blunt, don’t waste any of her time if you’re not certain.
To your Q.. if you would consider not being with her because she’s been with someone else, like if this is a deciding factor for for you, then don’t get back together with her.
If you have changed your mind on kids, and still want to be with her even if she had a relationship after your breakup, and you’re just curious: “hey, you don’t have to tell me and it’s okay either way, but I was just curious if you were dating anyone since we broke up? “
Then be chill and non judgemental no matter her answer. You happened to chose not to date. She was a single woman, totally entitled to do whatever she wants over that period.
She was moving on when you were hesitant because it showed her that you were moving on rather than “being hesitant”. You need to make it clear to her what was really going on and what you currently want now cause as of right now you both were going off assumptions. Was the deadline about marriage “not right now” or “why aren’t we getting married now?” If you both are swamped with work and wanting different things I don’t expect a break will fix that or that getting back together will either. What are you two actually wanting? An actual commitment to each other or just a paper saying it? Being together period can do just that, marriage is just extra steps expressing it as well as legally expressing it. You would have shared assets, joint taxes, and depending on the state may or may not have to split those assets if you two get divorced unless there is a prenup. With how unsure you two were and the lack of honesty and transparency I don’t expect things to work out as planned here. It honestly sounds like either neither of you are saying how each other really feel or you both are not putting the work in to make the relationship work. I get that you two were separated but still no answers to what you two want after 9 months? Do you two want to get back together, do you two want to be married, do you two want kids or no kids, want to be monogamous, or do you two just not want to be alone? If the last one then there is no future, it was only ever a placeholder to not be lonely. You two would be better off as you were which is continuing to move on.
Why does it matter? Just consider it a yes, this is not something you need to ask. You’re adults and that’s her business
You guys have MUCH bigger issues than if she was with anyone else.
First you broke up with her because SHE kept pushing off marriage but you also let her go to find someone more certain to start having kids with. Make this make sense. Who actually wanted to get married and have kids? What exactly was the point of contention?
Also. Your attitude of expecting her to receive you with open arms after a bad break up is entitled af. She tried to get back together and YOU were cold to her. Why wouldn’t she respond the same way later? You kind of sound like you’re trying to get her to act like she was floundering without you. And that you’d be upset if she actually tried to move on after you told her you were done.
You guys have a toxic on and off relationship and need to work on yourself. You’re way too old for these games.
I think it’s unrealistic to assume she wasn’t with anyone in that time. Just move on. You will blow your lid if you find out later, and it’s pretty obvious that a 37 year old woman who wants to get married would sleep with a couple people over a 9 month period. You cannot be mad about that as YOU ended it. Just leave her alone
Why don’t you guys sit down and have a real conversation? like what do you expect from her and what does she expect from you?
Are you in love with her or are you just feeling lonely?
Do you want to get married and have kids because if not it’s a waste of time for her.
Please leave that poor woman alone. She told you something was hurtful to her and you’re all “apparently”. Just leave her alone. Stop being so cruel to her.
You’re 35. When are you planning to grow up?
You being hung up on your ex and not dating while you were not together is your burden to carry and not your ex’s. If that’s stopping you from reconnecting, then there is no point in reconnecting. You can ask her about her current relationship status and verify it independently to friends and colleagues. Apart from that, nothing else should matter here.
If her sleeping with someone else while you were broken up is an issue, then you are not ready to get back together. You can’t keep score on someone you are not with. It’s her business, not yours.
You’re 35 and still living in a world of maybe and bullshit conditions.
“If she just gives me this one last thing (I.e. confirmation of her maintained virtue WHILE WE WERE ON A BREAK, then all my commitment issues will be fixed and I’ll marry her”
Let her go dude. You’re not ready. You’re not it for her.
It’s not your business if she was or wasn’t with anyone. I hope she doesn’t take you back because an ex is an ex for a reason.
It’s the past. You were broken up. What either of you did is irrelevant. If it will bother you if it comes up later she was seeing one then obviously you are not ready to commit.
You don’t. You don’t ask people about their private lives while you weren’t part of their life.
When you date a NEW girl, you don’t ask her about her past sex life. It’s private.
People are so weird.
Start on a clean slate when you date someone. It’s better that way. I promise.
She has.
It’s none of your business.
Why not just ask her and find out the answer
It doesn’t sound like either of you have addressed the issues that led to the breakup in the first place. Instead, you’ve now added additional concerns with this whole hot/cold thing she has going on. This sounds a lot like her having discovered just how frustrating dating can be, so now she’s looking to come back to the safety of what she knows. And both of you deserve better than that.