I’ll start with some background. I was raised by a man who hated people for their color. I have total 7 siblings. 3 older brothers, 1 older sister, 1 younger sister, and two younger brothers. We all have the same dad but the older siblings have a different mom. We are all fully Caucasian.
My younger siblings have not had children yet. I have two kids who are white. All of my older siblings have children, in total they have 8 kids who are all mixed. I love all my nephews and nieces. Despite being raised around a hateful man I never internalized his thoughts as my own. I went to school with primarily black kids and still today those are some of my closest friends. I’ve told my husband about my past. I’ve told him how sick it was to be a child having to listen to my dad talk about people so hateful. How confusing it was because I went to school with so many and was close friends with many.
My husband has 2 nephews and 1 niece. The 2 boys are white. His sister just had his firsts niece who is mixed. A beautiful baby girl with a head full of hair. Just absolutely precious. We went to go visit and I brought his sister some soups for easy dinners. Her race never had came up in any conversation because I didn’t think it mattered. I mean she’s a baby and she family.
When we got home my husband let out a big sign and said how ugly the NI**** baby was. He also added some other foul language regarding his niece BABY. I don’t really want to type out specifically what he said because it’s disgusting. He said this in front of our 4 year old! Like it was no big deal. Now I’m worried our son will go to school (which is primarily mixed race) saying this foul language. I’m convinced this is divorce worthy. I’m sick about it because now I have 2 children with this man- if I leave he will have time with them and what if he says this same foul language in front of them still on his time. In all the years he has never said anything this foul. Before we met he was dating a white woman who had a mixed daughter for a year. He also has multiple black friends that he grew up with. I would have never imagined these words coming from his mouth let alone about family. I’m speaking with a lawyer next week. I just don’t know what I’m gonna do to shield my kids from it.
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Backup of the post’s body: I’ll start with some background. I was raised by a man who hated people for their color. I have total 7 siblings. 3 older brothers, 1 older sister, 1 younger sister, and two younger brothers. We all have the same dad but the older siblings have a different mom. We are all fully Caucasian.
My younger siblings have not had children yet. I have two kids who are white. All of my older siblings have children, in total they have 8 kids who are all mixed. I love all my nephews and nieces. Despite being raised around a hateful man I never internalized his thoughts as my own. I went to school with primarily black kids and still today those are some of my closest friends. I’ve told my husband about my past. I’ve told him how sick it was to be a child having to listen to my dad talk about people so hateful. How confusing it was because I went to school with so many and was close friends with many.
My husband has 2 nephews and 1 niece. The 2 boys are white. His sister just had his firsts niece who is mixed. A beautiful baby girl with a head full of hair. Just absolutely precious. We went to go visit and I brought his sister some soups for easy dinners. Her race never had came up in any conversation because I didn’t think it mattered. I mean she’s a baby and she family.
When we got home my husband let out a big sign and said how ugly the NI**** baby was. He also added some other foul language regarding his niece BABY. I don’t really want to type out specifically what he said because it’s disgusting. He said this in front of our 4 year old! Like it was no big deal. Now I’m worried our son will go to school (which is primarily mixed race) saying this foul language. I’m convinced this is divorce worthy. I’m sick about it because now I have 2 children with this man- if I leave he will have time with them and what if he says this same foul language in front of them still on his time. In all the years he has never said anything this foul. Before we met he was dating a white woman who had a mixed daughter for a year. He also has multiple black friends that he grew up with. I would have never imagined these words coming from his mouth let alone about family. I’m speaking with a lawyer next week. I just don’t know what I’m gonna do to shield my kids from it.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
There’s literally a ~1% chance this is real life lol
The Internet is dead
Info: have you spoken to HIM about what he said, how it affected you, and how unacceptable that is?
It’s hard to believe the dad had no racist kids. It’s kinda how it all works…
I can’t even imagine my wife doing this. It’s so far outside my experience it’s hard for me to even come to the conclusion of whether or not I would divorce over it. It’s vile, of course, and I think it’s reasonable to divorce over finding out that your partner is a vile racist, but I just can’t square it with the picture of her in my mind. Certainly it would forever change how I thought about her unless she put in significant work to basically become a different person.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be shaken to the core by something like this or to divorce over it. I would likely have a come to Jesus, no fucking room for compromise talk with her and tell her that we were on a knife’s edge, that her words made me fundamentally reconsider who she is and we very likely would be getting a divorce and that we certainly would if she EVER spoke like that in front of our kids or me. And then I’d see what she would do as far as working to make it better.
This is a difference in morals and ethics that is unlikely to change without serious effort from him. He has already said he doesn’t see what’s wrong, but if he DIDN’T see it as wrong he would have just said it in front of his sister.
This would be a deal breaker for me.
I have 2 kids with an ex husband who has some seriously questionable things to say. The kids see him 3 times a year (we moved with his consent at the VERY start of the separation period, and he had no way to pay for childcare (he’s still a deadbeat)).
If at ALL possible, get primary custody and move for work. It doesn’t have to be over state lines, but far enough that it takes some effort to see his kids. Even that buffer of not constant exposure can be enough to give you an edge in how they see the world growing up.
Have you talked to him? You could say you don’t agree with what he said and it is a big deal to you. Let him know you are considering divorce. If he truly lives you and is not racist, he will change. He will stop saying foul words about people of color. Uf he continues to be racist maybe it is divorce worthy. I totally understand this is not the kind of man you want to be married to. I am so sorry. I know it is a big decision. But if you give him a chance to modify his behavior maybe it will work out. Maybe will see the error of his ways.
Info: You clearly told your husband your disgust of racists/racism early on, but have not mentioned any of his responses. What has he said before now?
Ummm excuse me. Confront now. Yes being married to a racist is divorce worthy.
I’m so sorry you’re going thru this w your husband : a person you thought you knew & trusted. I had a friendship end over something similar & that sucked – can’t imagine it being my husband
You asked how you can shield your kids : don’t. They need to understand what a big deal this is, how & why you’re setting such a firm boundary. Don’t shield them : explain w as much love & compassion as you can.
Your husband is choosing to stand on this word over an opportunity for growth & his marriage. Your kids need to see & understand that, not be shielded from that.
If you’re divorcing him over it <good for you!!!> , your kids deserve explanations & understanding, + therapy if you can afford it .. Good luck mama!! Proud of you!
Divorce him, this is more than enough but also no way this is the only reprehensible opinion he has hidden from you
Racism is a lot like money problems in a marriage. In the latter scenario, one is a spender and one is a saver. With the former, one is a racist and the other tries their best to not be a racist. You can stay with him but honestly, I bet your parents had certain kids they wouldn’t let you hang around because their bad behavior may rub off on you. Same with your husband. The bad behavior is more likely to rub off on the person trying not to be bad.
You have core values that are different. Some marriages can survive that — most cannot. Make your choice and do your best.
If you have to ask, exactly why? You know it’s racist and he has deep generational seeded racism! Run girl run!
Really wouldn’t need the proof when people start asking why your’re leaving (and I think you should) and reply, because my husband said this (insert things he said) about his sister’s kid.
Of all the reasons to hear someone stepping away from a marriage, this would be like wait? what? People would listen. Then you’d find out real fast who the real racists are.
Would I find this repulsive? Absolutely YES
But what would divorcing him do? It would create a circumstance where he would be able to speak hatefully and you would not even know how to go about counteracting it, because you wouldn’t know when things were said.
If anything, I think it is a reason to STAY, so you have more ability to influence and defuse.
Bigots do not deserve spouses. Bigots do not deserve children. Please remove yourself and your children from this person. Sue for custody, alimony, and child support. All this time he knew what he was, knew it was a dealbreaker, and kept that information from you until he felt like you were sufficiently trapped. Prove him wrong.
I don’t think you are overreacting at all. Racism is a poison… it hurts everyone it touches. It denies the humanity of a baby because of the color of her skin.
Yeah I’d divorce him too. Gross.
That is not only divorce worthy but cut him out of everyone’s life worthy.
Hopefully you can record him saying such foul things.
Yeah, I’d peace out, too.
Yes, its divorce worthy. Putting aside the racism, he’s making vile, hateful comments about family (his sister’s child!) for no reason other than his irrational personal hangups. Which happen also to be racist.
Absolutely it is divorce worthy. You’re going to have to work with your children so they don’t take on his racism.
Ew. no. run.
.
That would be it for me. Maybe one conversation but straight out NO
My husband out of nowhere starts dropping the hard R slur like that..about a BABY?? First I’m getting him checked by a doctor and if he’s fine, his ass is OUT.
People encounter racists everywhere, so getting rid of your husband isn’t going to shield your kids.
You teach your children what you’d have taught them anyway — that we don’t use words like that in any scenario, including at Dad’s house, and we are kind to everyone.
We can’t control how others behave, but we can control how we behave.
I dumped a guy for being racist and I will not marry one knowing he is a racist. To me this is Divorce.
You said he doesn’t see ANY problem with his words. So you must divorce him. File for primary custody and teach your kids that racism is wrong. And hope they, like you, don’t get poisoned by a racist father. When they are older you can say bluntly that their father and you are divorced because he doesn’t understand racism is bad, and he will be on a time out until he does.
Defffffinitely divorce worthy. Disgusting! And he’s going to teach his kid to be racist? If you stay, you’re condoning it & you’re telling your child “it’s not a deal breaker to hate people bc of their skin color.” The ONLY way forward with him would be if he works on himself & goes to therapy for this, but bet he thinks ain’t nothing wrong with his racism.
I don’t believe this story for a second.
Unless you met your husband within the last year.
Anyone white person dropping the N word like that isn’t going to be shocking for their spouse. I guess if you were living in Russia and never saw a black person and all of a sudden saw one for the first time with your spouse – then it might come as a surprise.
You’ve stated several times that you’re in a very inter-racial location and your phonetically written dialect also indicates that your husband would’ve made his feelings known way before this.
If he truly just said that word for the first time and you’re truly shocked by it, maybe take him to the hospital to see if he’s had a traumatic brain injury for acting so out of character
I’m white from a brown family. My grandfather was Portuguese. Out of 6 kids, my grandmother (white) gave birth to one white child. I (1st grandchild) was born 4.5 years after my youngest aunt. My stepdad was from an old Alabama family. Their racism made things confusing for me. You can’t talk bad about black people without including brown people. My mother would complain about haole’s ruining Hawaii. Several generations were from Hawaii. I’m a haole, mom. I had friends from all the cultures available in my town. I was punished for that. I preferred Soul Train to A.B., I preferred G. Jefferson to Archie Bunker. The stuff they wanted me to prefer was tame and kinda boring to me.
Records and cassettes were destroyed if they didn’t approve. I graduated in 84, so my music was suggestive, not dirty. It was certain artists they didn’t approve of. It took everything my stepdad had not to pull a black principal’s hand from around my shoulder one day. He hated the idea of a black man touching me. He had to leave the hangar when one of my football coaches hugged me and spun me around when they had Air Guard duty one weekend when I came home to visit. I used to pray that I wouldn’t fall in love with a black or brown male. I would have been disowned. My stepdad told me so. It didn’t make sense to me because he married a very brown woman and had a brown daughter who gets extremely dark if she tans. He knew my grandfather was Portuguese, very brown with kinky curls and super dark eyes. He knew and met several of the darker side of the family. My mother hated my white skin, my straight hair, its color, and even my eyes are the wrong shade. It was a very confusing life. Don’t allow this disgusting behavior to continue unchecked. My nephew just started dating a girl again after a few years apart. She is white with a mixed-race daughter. She was a beautiful little girl and has grown into a beautiful teen. I can’t understand anyone holding her parentage against her. Don’t let your children go through life thinking that one race is preferable to another. All people are beautiful and the same inside. That is what counts.
Biracial kids are the most beautiful. It’s sad how hateful some people can be.
Racism is definitely a reason for divorce. I don’t know if I could be with someone who said that. I would definitely lose respect for that person and not want them to pass the beliefs to my kids.
Holy shit what did I read here, this is tragic
Your husband is teaching his son how to mistreat his cousin and friends. If it’s no big deal, he should go to the father of the baby and say those exact words.
It is divorce worthy. Staying with him sends the message to your children that this is acceptable speech and behavior.
Racist Old Boomer here – either your husband is a complete jerk and needs to be threatened with divorce unless he changes his ways or…this is made up rage bait BS.
I think it’s worth trying to reason with him again mainly because if you do divorce him you won’t have any control over what happens when the kids are with him. Whatever you do don’t rush it think things through and plan carefully. But to be honest with you I don’t blame you for divorcing him over that. I probably would not be able to get past someone so hateful.
I think it’s divorce-worthy. Good luck.
I bet he would never say it in front of a black person. I don’t know why if it’s no big deal! 🙄
Leave that fuck. Stay cool. Kids will see who is the better person: who is you. In time that is.
Absolutely divorce worthy if this happened over the weekend I would have been at the court Monday morning
Divorce. Yesterday.
I would like to hear from the husband because it honestly feels like we are not getting the full story. Possibly an exaggerated one sided version.
You are justified. You need to put yourself and your kids in the best possible situation. Did you not see this in him or did you ignore the red flags? Either way you are disgusted and have every right to your feelings. Move forward in the manner that is best for you and your children
This is absolutely divorce-worthy. There is no way in hell I would stay married to a racist POS. That baby has never done anything to your husband and yet he finds it acceptable to talk about her like that. Get your children and get out.
Are the downvotes because:
A) Racism is not a learned behavior?
B) We don’t want to acknowledge that it is a learner behavior?
C) I can’t read & swapped the Hus/Wife families
I agree, where are all these racist being made?
That is a horrible start to life but, happy they found good people!
Social issues and values surrounding subjects racism, bigotry, feminism, politics, etc are extremely important to EXPLICITLY discuss with a potential partner over and over.
Just because they don’t say anything and “have black friends” doesn’t mean they are not racist. That means absolutely nothing. Who do they vote for? What do they do in their community? What have they done to unlearn implicit and explicit racism? What do they do when they see racism? What are their thoughts on DEI?
This is absolutely divorce worthy. Now, what you can do about how he is? Idk, you can talk to your lawyer and see what they can advise you. I would for sure put your children in therapy.
This is divorce worthy IMO. I feel that people are emboldened by certain social and political elements at the moment and he’s showing you who he really is. Run and take your babies with you. I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard this before but I’m paraphrasing, “it’s not enough to be not racist, you need to be anti-racist” and I fully believe divorcing a racist is peak anti-racism. Stay strong. I know I’m nobody but I’m proud of you.
Ask all his black friends their opinion on it? See if that changes his mind.. or their mind about being his friend but I would not say with a racist
You’re doing the right thing. Racists have gotten pretty comfortable in the past few years and are more willing to say shit than they might have been previously. The alt-right has made it more comfortable.
Protect your kids. Teach them better.
🤮 byeeeeee
If you have an otherwise good relationship with your husband then go to therepy and try to help him. Nobody is perfect but giving up isn’t the answer imo. Especially since you have a family that he has never introduced this behavior to in the past. Everyone has a bad day just stand your ground see if he apologizes and you can work through this. It sounds like you already have one foot out the door and you have mind made up. This is YOUR family that you are giving up on over a few choice words that happened one time. If it happens again after he knows your feelings then you have a serious problem and your family is over with. Good luck with whatever you decide.
If it is divorce-worthy for you – for the record, it would be for me too – then it is divorce worthy. Period.
Not much you can do about what he says to your kids growing up, unfortunately. I mean you can fight for full custody maybe? But regardless. Raise your kids with love, with purposefully anti-racist ideas, and they will likely grow up like you did – sad to hear such hateful shit, but glad they dont have to share it.
Divorce worthy. That’s absolutely unacceptable and the fact that he is refusing to change while knowing your history is crazy.
Tell his black friends if he’s so adamant what he did wasn’t wrong.
My ex is racist & that’s part of the reason I divorced him. I wasn’t raised that way & I wasn’t raising my children in that type environment. He’s 70 yrs old now & still makes racial slurs about his extended family. Makes me sick.
Um, did you only know the dude for 5 minutes before getting married or what. Like you knew the guy before you married him right? You married that racist man. What did you expect him to not be racist anymore?
Immediate divorce.
I’d divorce…not only for this but what else is he secretly thinking? If one of your kids comes out as gay will he accept them? What if they marry someone of color and your grandkids are mixed? How will he treat them? What if someone becomes disabled? What happens if you become really really sick and he has to take care of you? What happens if your kids become really sick? I can’t imagine being with someone now knowing that they will only be a good person/partner if their idealized version of life is met. I can’t stand that way of thinking and could no longer trust what he said about any other precarious topics.
Please don’t use a Reddit thread to decide the fate of your marriage. Even if you want to leave, I urge you to get counseling with him so that, when and if you do, it can be done constructively with less vindictiveness and drama. He may be a racist asshole, but no one benefits in a bitter divorce, particularly children.
Doesn’t matter how many black friends he has or if he has ever dated a woman with mixed kids, he can be and is a racist.
absolutely divorce worthy and not only that i’d be looking at my family sideways after saying it’s “not a big deal.” clearly they’re ok with bigotry.
It hit home! His sister had the child by someone who was assuming Black. Ok for others, but not his sis or other family I’m sure.
That’s a deal breaker.
You are not overreacting. His willingness to casually throw around the N-word in front of your kid indicates a very big difference in morals/worldview/whatever you want to call it.
I understand where you are coming from. But getting a divorce and destroying your whole family over it is ridiculous. You never one time mentioned sitting down with him and actually discussing this with your husband ALONE. If he dated a girl for a while that had a mixed child maybe he isn’t prejudice. maybe he was having a bad day and said crappy stuff that needs to be talked about.. I don’t know. But maybe both of you need counseling. Your marriage “maybe” can be saved.Destroying your marriage is a horrible thing to do. People say evil things everyday. Your husband has evil issues, but he needs counseling and you married him for better or for worse. Try counseling first. And make it clear you do NOT want your kids hearing or taught that evil bullcrap. And i honestly don’t care who agrees or disagrees. Marriages, especially with children, need to be saved if at all possible. Married people make a vow, try not to break it and go to God (Jesus) to save it.
As a black woman partnered with a white man. If he said anything remotely close to this it would result in the immediate end to our relationship.
I’m gonna go out in a limb here and say that ops husband is just trying to trigger op. He is abusive. He doesn’t necessarily believe what he is saying, he is just saying it to make op relive the trauma she had growing up.
How long are you married to this man? Is this the first indication of his racism? Is there something going on with him for him to talk this way? I agree with you that his attitude is harmful to his own family. Tell him you cannot live with a man who thinks and talks like he did. Give him a chance to rethink things before you make life altering decisions.
Make sure to get written and recorded proof.
Don’t mean to add fuel to the fire but now that I’m a new parent my mind went straight to…. if that is what he said out loud, about a BABY… then I wouldn’t be leaving him alone with any of the kids including your 8 nieces and nephews. If he thinks that he is above them and they are less… I will simply say that that puts them at risk. No sleep overs and no getting close to Uncle.
What else is he keeping quiet?? (Sorry but felt I had to at least mention it)
Ignore your family, it’s just noise and they are not respecting your values either. Many people discourage what seems inconvenient and they will never be in your shoes. You need to do what aligns with your values.
To cover it off, he said this:
-about a newborn baby
-in front of your 4 year old
-knowing that you have spoken to him about your experience growing up
-said this about his own sisters child
-in general it’s disgusting, he thinks it’s fine and your over reacting
It wasn’t a casual comment. How do you respect your husband now?
Please update us and stay safe!
First get a recording of him saying this vile shit so he can’t deny it. Then, yes, divorce his hateful ass!
Hoooooow do you get married and have kids with someone and this never came up before?
I think one of you needs to go to a doctor. Because either he’s had something that caused a radical personality change, as I find it hard to believe that someone showed zero racist tendencies to saying the n word boldly about a baby or you’ve hallucinated all of this.
Either way one of you has a tumor or the more likely scenario. You made it up
Did you ask him how he feels about your nephews and nieces? Your friends? If he tells you they are disgusting or whatever, drive it home that you can’t have him around them and you can’t stay married to a bigot that cannot stand family and friends. If he doesn’t see the wrong in his views, being a pariah left out of most gatherings due to his views might force him to reconsider. Tell his sister too, for his niece’s sake.
OMG. That man has been lying to you from the start! He just hid how he truly feels about POC! TRUST ME, ITS BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME. PLEASE LEAVE BEFORE HE GETS YOUR KIDS TO SAYING IT TOO. And im mixed and will not ever tolerate that word being said.
They’d be out of my house within the hour and served within 48 hours.
I grew up on the west coast, race was never an issue, my best friend of 20yrs is black, she basically lived at our house for a couple yrs, most of my friends were of all ethnicities, my first real introduction to racism was highschool my bf of a yr was Mexican, I’m white, his family hated me from the beginning, years later I went to visit my Dad in the south and realized how bad the racism was there, everywhere on all sides, including some of my paternal side.
Opened my eyes to Alot of things.
Different values, no matter how small or insignificant they seem can and will cause bigger issues imo.
I never jump to divorce but have you and your husband talked about this?
Your concern he did this in front of your child?
Does he claim there’s nothing wrong with what he said?
He’s shown you who he is. He won’t change. He will just change who he is when he’s around. You
Well, he says it now because our current POTUS says its OK!