I’m done with my life. Like seriously done. Every time I say this to anybody, they act like that’s not acceptable. I have zero interest in living, as a matter of fact, I’m resentful that I’m alive.
My wife currently has stage 4 lung cancer. It has spread to her lymph nodes and her spine. She is the only reason I haven’t ended my life. However, if she doesn’t survive this, I’m going to end my life the first moment I am alone. I have the means and a plan.
I’m not in any danger. I realize that most of the world says this is just depression, I’m 56, I’ve not enjoyed being alive, ever. I’ve had moments I’ve enjoyed, but as far as wanting to live, never.
I don’t want to live, and I really don’t understand why at 56 years old, I can’t just say goodbye and checkout without having to hide.
I have a bunch of people who will be upset, a truly phenomenal support group. Unfortunately, every single one of them will not accept that this is a rational decision, and I see it as perfectly rational. I don’t want to be here, I haven’t wanted to be here for as long as I can remember. Why is it so wrong to end my life?
Comments
Your life, your decision
ngl i feel the same way about life and people make me feel wrong and invalidate my feelings way too much just because they haven’t experienced a damn thing. i’m not gonna tell a person what to do in these regards but i’m gonna tell ya i share the exact same feelings
I’m sorry to hear about your partner. It must be tough. But it’s not worth ending your life because chances are extremely high you’ll just be making things worse. Not just for yourself, but people, both close to you as well as strangers. Try to cherish your time with your partner, don’t throw it away. I suggest you call a crisis line to talk it out. I’ve been in a similar position my whole life and your post really resonated with me, but I’ve learned some hard lessons. Be good to yourself and others. Be brave and try and make the most out of simple pleasures as well as deeper one’s. If you take everything for granted you could find yourself in a far worse position. Sending you love and hope and gratitude of a fellow human being <3
I can’t imagine what you and your wife are going through. I hope for the best for your wife with her treatment plan and prognosis. Someone else said “your life, your decision”, many of us have been there for one reason or another. The phrase “I’ve had moments I’ve enjoyed” is what was my saving grace. Realizing that I might have bad days, but even bad days can have good moments.
I wish you the best friend. We all will wake from the dream one day.
It’s sort of depends. Have you tried therapy and antidepressants?
Ya’ll, I’m not looking to fix this, I’ve felt this way as long as I can remember. I’ve had literally thousands of hours of therapy. I’ve been down the antidepressant path.
I’m not depressed about my wife’s cancer. If she lives, I’ll stay. I have no desire to hurt her, she’s the only thing in this world that keeps me here, and my suicide would destroy her.
I hate living. I hate the experience. The moments that I do enjoy are just that, moments. They aren’t nearly enjoyable enough to make me want to continue. I’m truly just not even interested.
Honestly, I love my family. My husband, sister, mom, stepdad. But if I lost my son, I would end it. I could not live a second without him. And I know it’s fucked up to say and maybe selfish to them. But I just couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t want to. He is my reason for life. I am sorry for what you are going through. But I understand.
I do understand. I’ve been fighting treatment resistant major depression all of my like, since I was around 6. I’ve flunked Suicide 101 twice. I’m not grateful I lived. But, OTOH, I have friends who would be devastated, a sister who would be as well, and a devoted therapist who has been with me through thick and thin, who would probably never be the same if I killed myself. I have pets who depend on me, and I love them dearly. If I died today, I’d be ok with it. But can I contemplate leaving behind the aftermath my suicide would leave without caring? Not at this point. So, I’m still struggling along.
I wouldn’t judge you for ending your life. You want to be there for your wife. That’s admirable. Life without even the smallest of pleasures seems unbearable. I know that sometimes the days are never ending. If your wife doesn’t survive, and you decide to check out, I hope you get the peace you seek.