I’m 27M. I was diagnosed with cancer in a late stage. I’ve refused treatment as it may extend my life a little but the treatment will have its own issues and I’d rather my daughter remember me positively. That’s a final decision.
My daughter is 8. I’m a single dad. The best thing I’ve ever done.
I was thinking of pre-writing birthday cards for her every year to 21. Maybe other cards like graduation etc. Maybe a few videos. I don’t know if that’s stupid. Is there anything that you appreciated that someone did before they passed.
The other advice is choosing her guardian. I don’t have the best relationship with family but they want to be her guardian. My ex (not my daughter’s mother) has been in her life even after we broke up and their bond is great. It is, however, a lot to ask of her and her fiance and I don’t want to make her feel like she has to take guardianship.
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What you’re doing isn’t just love it’s legacy. Give her your voice, your words, your truth, because those will outlive your body and raise her when you no longer can.
The idea of pre-writing birthday cards is really cute i think you should record some videos and give them to her new guardian to play for her for different occasions in her life too like her wedding day ect.
As for guardianship, pick someone who your daughter is already familiar with so your ex there would be good like you said, i’d say just ask her and make it clear she doesn’t have to so she doesn’t feel pressured to say yes and see what she thinks
your really strong and i wish you luck, you seem like a great person even just from this short post and i wish you and your daughter the best forever, goodluck ❤️🩹
My wife passed away from cancer in September, and we went through some similar stuff, here’s what we did.
Lots of pictures/videos of doing day to day stuff. I bought a digital frame, just for my daughter and it will only have mummy/mummy and her pictures.
Birthday cards, with gifts (got our daughter a charm bracelet with a charm for every year), all the way up to 21.
Some other longer videos talking about ‘stuff’. Like why we have some pictures on the wall, or some explanation about things (periods).
Wrote a book about her life. She saw a company called ‘storyterrace’, she got interviewed and they put together a book about topics of her life. I got copies printed for other family and friends who wanted them.
Your daughter is older than ours is/was, so you just need to make memories with her, andale sure she has plenty of things to remember you by.
Definitely cards through major milestones after 21 and life events. Talk to her about who she wants to live with. Maybe a letter about why you chose that guardian, the conversations you’ll have (the ones im suggesting) and why you didnt chose other people. But make sure your choice is all legally documented. The last thing you want is some judge to interpret your actions incorrectly and her end up with people you never intended.
Give her lots of photos of how you look at your best, unfortunately, the last thing she might remember is you at your worst. Make sure thats not her only memory. Make sure she has the option to look at photos of you with hair, color in your cheeks and a visible soul in your smile.
Maybe put some of these things in an email as well, life happens, documents and photos can be lost, but an email is just a password away. Or maybe a lockbox.
This is going to sound horrible and paranoid but all I can think of is this story from AITA where this guy’s wife died when their child was young, the woman made lots of video tapes of herself talking to the child, they were to be given to her over the years but mostly after her 18th birthday. Well, the guy remarried, he told the new wife about the case of hard (and only copy) video tapes. She got jealous and threw the tapes away. The guy didnt know until years later when he went to give his daughter the tapes. Everything she left behind for her daughter was destroyed. Im not saying thats going to happen to your daughter but you need to make sure she has every opportunity to receive what you intend to leave behind. Because while Im thinking of the AITA story, im also thinking about natural disasters… I dont know where you live, but you should be very proactive in this time.
5his reminds me of a Violet Evergarden episode where a girl that ages mother was dying. she had letters for every birthday, graduation, marriage, everything. it was quite beautiful actually… Videos, letters, pics, everything. Do it all man. Let her know she was and is loved and she wont have to wonder about you be ause you wrote down so much for her and vidoes and stuff.
What a shitty situation all I can say is im truly sorry for you man…. youre the one who knows your family not us, your ex too. It might seem awkward to ask someone of no relationshion to raise your child, but thats literally what god parents are for, so its not all that weird. do you trust her significant other? because hed be there too… If you family is fine id probably go that route myself simply because its family, but like i said no one knows better than you. her mother isnt even mentioned so im gusssing thats jot a good option?
you can easily bring it up to you ex. Just tell her if you believe shes the best option that you would like that to be the case, no pressure lol. tell her if she has any doubts about it to voice them. have you asked your daughter what she thinks? shes young yes… but she might help you decide even in the slightest…
goodluck man… im gonna cry for a total stranger today…
I love the videos, pick out a few books you love or that have good topics. The videos for graduation, birthdays and even wedding….I am so sorry you are facing this. I too thought having a child was my best part. The cards. a letter or two would good, pictures lots of pictures of you and her. Pick a person that loves you. Or that is really good with their children…So times we had to make do. If your ex will do it and she knows her, loves her, that might a good fit. Again prayers for your family.
Cards are a wonderful idea. Also consider recording videos or even just your voice telling her about yourself- important moments in your life, silly stories with friends, things you hold dear and things that you appreciate. She’ll get to learn about you as a person, not just her parent. It’s also a gift to have reminders of your look and your voice. Save a box with a couple of pieces of clothing you like, soaps or cologne that you wear, a few tangible things as keepsakes.
I would consider doing some “humorous” videos/letters too. Things that will make her smile during a bad time and give her advice. Like “first divorce” and have a note on it saying “hope you never have to watch this one, but if you do I’m here for you”.
And make jokes like “I bet they were an arsehole anyway! No one is good enough for my babygirl.” And then offer the advice you’d offer her like “make sure you get your finances in order and lean on your friends as much as possible. Remember you got this and it’s just a bump in the road leading you to something better.”
You can do this about other events she would turn to her dad for; first job loss (“they were all idiots anyway!”), first time buying a house (“I’m so fkn proud of you!), being pregnant (“I hope they take after our side the family 😉”).
Genuinely humour and advice can be the most beautiful gift throughout her life. Don’t cut it off at 21 because that’s where your story ends for her. Really try to think about all the times you’d have been at the other end of the phone.
I know it’s hard to imagine right now because she is your little girl. But there’s gonna be a time she’s gonna be your big girl, and she’ll need your words and wisdom. ❤️ she is your legacy and the more of your character and mindset you can impart on her via videos the more you live on in her and she’ll feel that. She’ll know she’s deeply loved and that will give her courage in her darkest days.
I’m crying writing this right now. My dad has a late stage cancer too, and I’m grown- but I’ll never not miss him just being a phone call away when he no longer is.
Ask her don’t assume anything and cards and videos are a good idea
Do a video series on youtube. Ask ai for a list of questions and events you should answer and do a video on.
Top ones are advice on moving out and getting your own place. How to live keep a budget that kind of thing.
Birth of grandchildren congratulations and advice.
How to deal with her first heartbreak
The list is long do them all while you have time.
Keep as fit as possible it might buy you more time.
I recommend reading the book The Last Lecture, it’s a short read but similar to your circumstance. It’s my favorite book. Videos are really important. My brother passed and I wish I had more videos- of his voice, his laugh, his mannerisms.
I work as a paralegal. You should consult an attorney to discuss estate planning, power of attorney documents, who you want to have guardianship of your daughter, etc. You can consult with your ex and give her time to decide. If your family is given guardianship and they do not feel it’s in her best interest to continue having a relationship with your ex, they can cut her off, which is something to be mindful of, and something I’ve seen happen.
I apologize that you’re in this situation. Thinking of and putting your daughter first is the greatest act of love and care you can leave her.
The birthday cards idea is amazing. My father passed and it would mean so much to me to have something like that. They don’t all have to be heavy and serious but just a nice, thoughtful, intentional reminder could be great. It sounds like you’re a great dad and your daughter will remember you so! It’s helped me with my dads passing a lot to remember him so fondly
Prewrite the cards, do videos for all the major birthdays/events & all the firsts(high school,prom,period,college,boys,wedding,whatever. Save all photos, videos you currently have somewhere. Ask your ex would she do it, there is no harm asking. Think about who else could be suitable next. If the worst comes to the worst, your family.
I have one piece of advice. See a lawyer regarding a trust for your daughter. Never make someone a trustee of a trust or executor of a will if they need your money. The trust will make distributions to the guardian for your daughter’s expenses.