I have severe OCD regarding incidents where I don’t know if I SAed someone 3-4 years ago. I posted all the events on my account. Here a few times. When I look it up, (what is SA) a lot of the definitions seem to align with my actions. When I ask my therapist or chat gpt (I know not a reliable source, but it at least gets every aspect of my recollection of the events and can make an opinion based on all information) they say I didn’t commit SA but ignored a boundary and to learn better communication and consent skills, which I’ve been heavily practicing.
But the guilt is killing me. I left school and my job over it. I just can’t move on. I want to say and believe it wasn’t SA and the events were grey areas. But the definitions online scare me so much into thinking I did , even if unintentionally. I feel disgusting asking for support. I’m not the victim. But I don’t want to be a force of bad in this world, or have people hate me because of these mistakes (or constantly think, If they knew, they’d hate me)
I have people praise me every day for going out of my way to be a good person. And every time I get this sinking feeling in my soul and this urge to vomit every bad thing I’ve done.
If you want context into what I did, it’s up on my account. There are 4 different events. I feel awful for spamming these groups with this same story. I’m sorry. I am crumbling. I hate myself so much. I want to give up.
Comments
Go to therapy
Therapy
This sounds like something my brain does to me sometimes. Im not saying this is you or trying to diagnose or anything. This is just my experience related to what you’ve shared. Sometimes, there will be a ‘truth’ about myself that lies deep within some of my childhood traumas. Like “I’m a terrible person.” My brain will find anything to justify this ‘truth’. And show it to myself as ‘evidence’ of how i am. I hope you can find peace with this memory.
You didn’t do it intentionally and you regret your actions. You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it and move forward. Use your mistakes to become a better person rather than shutting yourself down completely. You can bounce back. Don’t give up on yourself!
Listen!
To!
Your!
Therapist!
And!
Friends!
They all say that it was a grey area and that you didn’t assault someone, you misheard them… try and get closure from the ex (?) or something… and try to move on
Forgive yourself