21M here, wanted to start this out by saying that I’m scared of whats happening to me. And the fact that im aware that it is happening is so much more terrifying. Ive always had mental health problems, starting when I was 11 or 12, and I have a very long family history of mental illness on both sides of my family.
A little bit of back story, when I was born, my biological father was in prison, and stayed there until I was 6. By this time my mum had met my stepdad who i refer to as my dad and will from here out. Being the sociopath that my bio-dad is, he tried to take me from my family by going for full custody, and when this was rejected by family court he sent my mum and dad several threats through the mail, then he moved to another part of my country. I still haven’t met him, however he found me on Facebook when I was about 15. As my mother had refused to ever discuss my bio-dad with me, I didn’t know any better and I decided to respond to him. Over the next year and a half he filled my head with lies about my mother and her family, as well as encouraged me to use drugs (mostly weed and psychedelics). This was all in order to hurt my mother. Eventually I tracked down his sister and went to meet her. This is where I found out how bad of a person he really is, I refuse to write the things he has done, however they fall under the “worst things you could do” category of things. Unfortunately he was never caught for these things.
Today, I don’t speak to him, but I haven’t blocked him either so that I still receive his messages. In the past year it is clear that he is going insane, constantly rambling about having “god given ability’s” and saying he’s being studied by scientists, or his evil sister is controlling the media. Classic crazy stuff, which I found entertaining at first. Then he turned it onto me, little things like dropping that I am special, or hinting at something unknown about myself. Logically, I know this is just him trying for manipulate me, but as of late I’ve started to almost believe them. It’s not to the point where I can distinguish fact and fiction, but I have to actually tell myself that it isn’t true.
Now I know what you’re thinking, “your not crazy dude, your dads just being whack as fuck”, which is what I was telling myself too. Until I started to hear things, starting with small noises like camera clicks and or someone whispering my name in my ear. I look around and there’s nothing and no one. Then the paranoia, I feel everyones eyes on me all the time, I have panic attacks if there are too many people around, I even broke apart a bedside table that was given to me because I had convinced myself there was some sort of microphone in it.
The worst part about all of this is that I’m so lucid and aware of what is happening but I can’t stop it. I try everyday but in still created with the constant anxiety of being watched, accompanied by depression draining my will to fight. I’m not asking for advice or help, I know where my life is going but I wanted to speak it first because nobody else knows. But honestly, sometimes I think it would be easier to just end it all.
TLDR: Young fella has a shitty dad who might be making him crazy so he wants to die