Hello everyone. This post is extremely hard to make. I’m a 21yr old female, if it helps (and will probably be useful to understanding some of my emotions), also African American. I honestly am damning myself for even being in this situation. I track my period, I use plan Bs if necessary (long story short, due to a medical issue that came up and is now resolved, I had to get off of birth control as it could cause fatal issues), condoms as well… I know it sounds risky still, but I would only ever let my bf go raw if I was on my early period, to avoid the possibility of sperm still being viable afterwards, and I would cut him off during the later days no matter what. If we even thought it was possible or a slip up happened, I would immediately take a plan B. Which worked always, which is why I’m so unsure how this happened.. I guess at some point we got lazy and slipped up too bad…
Either way, we’ve talked about this situation way before it was a reality. We both felt that regardless, we would terminate the pregnancy, as I am still in college and neither of us are at the state in life to provide for another securely.
After coming off birth control, my period being irregular and spotting has become common, so I was absolutely shocked when the pregnancy test came back positive with little to no wait. I tested three times, normal tests and digital one. I contacted my bf and told him immediately. He has been extremely supportive but… it’s hit me like a truck now… after calling to schedule the appointment, I’ve just spiraled. I tried to be distant and not make this much of a personal situation to avoid becoming overly emotional, but I failed. It started when the lady felt kind of cold and distant… then she estimated that I was eight weeks along. I know that’s not very far, but after looking at what the fetus can look like (and being a bio major with some background knowledge) I felt so guilty and disappointed in myself.
Everything just started to flood in. I found myself praying back to back for forgiveness from God. I felt like I disappointed my family as I haven’t even finished college yet. I felt like a disappointment on another end for not wanting to nurture this potential life, as many women in my family, if not all, had kept their pregnancies and just toughed it through but I can’t. I know I don’t want it, and I feel like it’s an insult to the gift that is life and to my future children that I do want later in life. How could I not want this one? How could I say I don’t love it when I’ll love my future children with my entire being? It’s bringing up emotional pain with my mother saying i wouldn’t be a good mom… maybe I wouldn’t be since I’m so willing to give away this potential life. I’m also scared, scared that the procedure will go wrong. That they’ll miss something or I’ll go through complications or neglect, being as I am black. I don’t want to see the ultrasound. I don’t want to get to close, but even if I did, there’s no way I’d keep it.
Thankfully my bf has been amazingly supportive through this. He’ll take off of work, accept the financial burden, accompany me to the office… I honestly couldn’t ask any more from him. But yes… I’m still drowning in all of this. I have no idea what the first step even is to forgiving myself and finding peace… it makes me feel better thinking that I could preserve it in a jar and give it a name… I know that sounds so weird, but the thought of it makes me feel better…
I’m not sure. I’d really appreciate any advice or words of encouragement. I haven’t even chosen which route I’d go (pill or procedure), so maybe you all can give me some insight on that or even maybe how to preserve it if possible… I’m sorry this has turned into a rant. I’m not in the greatest emotional state…. And of course, this happens to all be happening during my finals.
Comments
i went through the same thing when i was 19. i’m 21 now and im glad i made that decision even tho it was difficult. i but im glad i did it, i was in no state to have a baby.
i didn’t see any ultrasound. u will be a good mom when the time comes i know i will be when my time comes
i was also 8 weeks. and being in florida i had to do it ASAP. remember that yes this is a “fetus” but it is still your body. I went with the pill. i wont lie it really does suck, the cramps are horrible but if you have a good support system you will be okay! just remember that it will pass.
it seems like this is a good decisions for you and stick with what you want. i’m glad no one in my life made me change my mind or guilt me- it was fully my decision and it should be yours too.
don’t guilt yourself or feel like you need forgiveness- this is your life you put YOURSELF first.
it’s scary going in but i promise things going wrong during an abortion is so rare it’s usually pretty easy.
probably my own trauma coming through but make sure he’s there for you. my boyfriend at the time wasn’t and it made me resent him. make sure you have someone to go to the office with you- i went alone and it was horrible but the workers there helped and sat with me once someone could pick me up. People at these places are the nicest ever and know how hard this can be.
you both need to remember how serious this is on YOUR body and mental health
take time to urself after PUT yourself first.
there is no wrong decision ever.
At eight weeks you know that it’s less than the size of a raspberry. It has no brain function. What you’re dealing with is your upbringing, not the fetus. There is nothing to forgive yourself for. It doesn’t have a heartbeat, it doesn’t have brain activity. You’re wrestling with something way more weighty, you’re dealing with your family. Now you can choose to be a mother now or choose to be a mother later. That’s up to you.