I (24F) am dating my boyfriend (25M) for two years now. We have a good relationship, overall, and have never lived together. 6 months ago, I moved out of my parents house and to a different city because of my job. Because my job doesn’t pay enough to support us both, my boyfriend stayed in our hometown and we have been long-distance for the last 6 months. The original plan was as following: I would live alone in my tiny apartment while he looked for a better job in my city, and once he found it we would both move to a bigger apartment and finally live together.
Here’s my problem with it: I’m an older sister of 4 younger brothers and I was raised by a very traditional mother, so cooking, doing the laundry and cleaning after myself and others is something that I’m a natural at. I have no problems with doing things for other people. However, after growing up like this, being expected to be the one doing chores, keeping the house in order and making sure everyone does their part is something that made me resentful of my brothers, and moving out was a relief.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, was raised very differently. To this day, his mother still cooks all his meals, cleans his room, does his laundry and washes his dishes. He doesn’t act entitled or spoiled in any way, which is why this has never been a problem to this day, but he doesn’t have the faintest idea on how to take care of a house or of himself. He also doesn’t seem to see the problem in being a 25 year-old who doesn’t know how to cook or do laundry.
I’m afraid that, once we move in together, it will feel like it did with my siblings: All of the house responsibilities will fall upon me, and I will have to ask by boyfriend to do his chores everyday, like I had to with my teenage brothers. I’ve heard horror stories of women who fell into the “mom” role after moving in with their boyfriends, and that is my biggest nightmare. I don’t want to grow resentful of him as well.
Now, I’m not sure what to do. How can I explain my feelings to him without making it seem like I think he is useless or incompetent? How do I make sure I won’t turn into his mom? I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I also want to make sure this relationship doesn’t crash and burn. To me, living together feels more serious than getting married.
TL;DR: I’m (24F) about to move in with my boyfriend (25M), and I’m afraid I will turn into his mom. What can I do?
Comments
As someone who has lived this exact scenario twice now, unless you two have that painful conversation, that is probably what will happen to you. Be very clear upfront on what your boundaries and expectations are. I would ask him what his expectations are for each scenario and provide your feedback, too. But it will be a lot of hard work, especially since you both have never lived with a romantic partner.