My wife of 12 years has a chronic illness and we are never intimate. If I am lucky once a year maybe twice we have sex. It’s 100% my job to do it, she is barely a participant.
I internalize this to mean I’m to blame. I’m not sexy, not desirable, I’m trash.
It fucking hurts.
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Is it because you’re not desirable or because she has a chronic illness?
Have you talked to her about this?
Maybe try talking to her. Maybe you aren’t hitting the target 🎯
For better or worse
I strongly suggest you seek a therapist who focuses on intimacy and sex and see them together.
When my husband developed cancer, the side effect of ALL chemo treatments was erectile dysfunction.
0 sex for over 10 years. Id do it all again in a heartbeat if I could have him back again. I loved him more as a whole human, rather than a singular body part.
In marriages where one spouse becomes seriously ill, divorce rates are significantly higher when the wife becomes ill compared to when the husband does. Specifically, studies have shown that marriages are about seven times more likely to end when the wife becomes ill than when the husband does. When the wife is ill, approximately 21% of marriages end in divorce, compared to only 3% when the husband is ill.
I’m so sorry you’re in this particularly awful situation. I’ve been in relationships with chronic illness, as both the care-er and the ill person. It is REALLY necessary to have a conversation about needs, capacity, and compatibility. It’s very likely that both you and your wife are experiencing shame and frustration about the situation, from different perspectives. It is extremely difficult to navigate that conversation without some outside, unbiased help and guidance.
You are both part of a team and probably both frustrated with different parts of the circumstances. A therapist can really really help you both communicate about intimacy and help you specifically with your feelings of shame. It’s nobody’s fault if one party has more appetite than the other has capacity, but my god, it fucking sucks and feels terrible for everyone to be in the middle of. I hope things improve for you both.
I’m the chronically ill spouse in the marriage who is in a sexless marriage. Makes me feel like a complete failure because I’m not like i used to be. I understand how much it hurts to feel undesirable unwanted.
Does she have those feelings too?
They needed to get this off of their chest; not be judged.
I understand that that can be rough to deal with. However, it seems the issue is not that she doesn’t want sex, it’s that she can’t do it because of her illness.
In other words, you’re making her chronic illness about you.
ETA- either way it is tough to deal with. Recommend therapy, not just for this issue but for dealing with the day to day of having a spouse with a chronic illness.
Damn, homie made a profile just for this comment.
You have needs, and you have to meet those needs, otherwise you will be miserable, until the needs are met.
You can exists without your needs, but I don’t recommend it. I recommend finding out how to meet your needs.
Let your wife know that you have needs that aren’t being met, and that even though you would prefer to have her help to meet your needs, you need to have them met even if she can’t help you.
Figure out a consensual way to have your needs met.
As a person who had a chronic illness and it was physically painful to engage in intimacy I’m just not here for the victim role. People can say what they want here but it still isn’t cool sometimes
Maybe you should talk to her about it, she may not realize it’s an issue. As someone who is chronically ill myself, I know it can be hard to feel desire when you’re physically miserable or suffering most of the time. That said, being unwell sometimes doesn’t mean a partner can’t put in effort on their good days.
Their is a possibility it’s something more than the illness. Lack of empathy, absence of romance, or unresolved resentment can all contribute to someone not desiring intimacy. I’ve been in relationships where my partner’s poor behavior and treatment made me not even want to touch them. For some women, desire for a partner goes beyond just a primal urge, it’s tied to how that partner makes them feel emotionally and mentally.
If you and your partner can work together to understand what’s behind the lack of intimacy, there’s a chance you can rebuild that connection. It’ll take having hard and uncomfortable conversations and being honest. Also taking accountability in both ends. Good luck!
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I struggle with some chronic illnesses and I’m currently pregnant. My husband has also felt horrible self-esteem when there’s a lull in our sex life. Something I talked to my husband about is the difference between attraction and arousal.
I’m drawn to my husband, I love him and think he’s handsome and sexy. However, that doesn’t always mean that I’m aroused. Arousal is the physical and psychological response that allows my body to react to sexual and intimate touch in ways that are pleasurable and enjoyable for both me and my husband.
Arousal can be affected by SO many things, especially chronic illnesses. It might not be anyone’s fault that your wife isn’t initiating sex despite saying she’s still attracted to you.
I hope that you guys are able to communicate and work through this. Wishing you all the best.
As previously very able bodied and hypersexual woman of 34 who developed a chronic illness I’d like to give my views on this.
The problem is not you, neither is it your partners. I’ve lost all ability to even enjoy intimacy as even if it’s painless at the time the pain afterwards is often a horrible trade off. Being in pain all day, it saps you of everything including the strength to be intimate. I’ll want it in the morning, by afternoon I’m so sore,tired and feel disgusting that I completely forget I even wanted it in the first place. You are not disgusting to your partner, I can assure you of that. What the problem is…..well it’s the illness and the cost your partner is paying.
What’s needed is a deep conversation, understanding and some compassion for both of you and your needs to try and find a way to enjoy intimacy whenever it can be achieved at minimal expense of both of you. Being intimate is important in a relationship….. but at what cost? You both deserve to be happy.
I’m sorry that’s tough. I was in a dead bedroom and I was really unwell and he hated being the sole provider so I was lucky to get laid 3 times a year, he met someone 2 months after we broke up and fucked her ob the first date… when we broke up it had been nearly a year since we had sex, we had dated for 5 years and 4 of those years were a dead bedroom.
This subreddit is for venting and feeling heard, and in that spirit I will say: this must really really suck and I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. I’ve never experienced this situation, but I do have a husband with a high libido and mine is not at all as high. And I see how much this impacts him if I am not working really hard to meet him somewhere near his level. My husband is the least selfish man on earth, and so I take his needs from a place of understanding of much it impacts his mood, sense of confidence, and sense of connection with me. These are important and valid needs and they can impact mental health when they aren’t met. So, hey, I hear you on how much this must impact you and be very hard.
I second the comment about seeing marriage counsellor together who has some expertise to deal with dead bedrooms and chronic illness. Maybe they will have some concrete advice for you and your wife.
This reminds me of silent hill 2
So the part of your wedding vows that mentions ‘in sickness and in health’ had a silent clause of ‘only if sexual activity is satisfactory’?
I have chronic illness to and sometimes sex is the last thing I want to think about. I’m already fatigued as it is
I’m really sorry this is a horrible situation on both ends 🙁 I think both of you deserve a deep but careful conversation on what can be done to help this. Maybe understand the new lines and boundaries drawn by both parties after the illness.
You’re most definitely still desirable to her.
Don’t feel bad about venting, I hope you always have the strength to carry through.
It sounds like you need a therapist, & maybe a different way to exercise those needs. It’s a really tough situation for both of you, I think a therapist is your best bet, at least to start, & maybe they can help you find some other outlet/s even if maybe that involves some sort of opening the marriage
Go to a marriage counselor.
Sad to hear that..😔.. normal ppl need to release, i understand for some reason why ppl need part time lover
This is a really tough situation. On one hand, there is the bond of marriage. On the other, your own needs and desires are not being met. You deserve to be heard, loved, and fulfilled. Ask yourself if you are willing to give up your needs for a sexless marriage forever. If it were me, I know what I would choose.
And OP you shouldn’t blame yourself. I went through a very deep depression and was a “dead cell” for a while. I find my partner to be very attractive, but during that time none of that mattered: not looks, not charisma; it didn’t matter how sweet and loving he was- I just did not want to get down. Couldn’t do it. Desperate requests made it worse. Like I said, i think he’s a fox, but I felt like a lifeless blob. I had to choose to cave. I may not have advice, but i do hope you find a positive resolution (and stop blaming yourself!) soon.
I see a lot of people judging the OP and saying he is making this about him, well… This IS about him. This is his situation, his pov, his emotions. What he is expressing it is also VALID.
Now, everyone expects the person with the chronic illness to have all the sympathy and all the help and support (which is 100% correct!), but not too many acknowledge what the family and close friends go through in these cases, especially the partner.
Part of that support for the ill person is therapy, but you need to know that therapy is also recommended for everyone around that person, individually and together.
I am sorry this is happening. I hope you find a good professional who can help you and your wife with this.
I’m sorry man. I really am. For both you and your wife. It must be hard loving someone and knowing they love you but it’s just not physically possible to express all capacities of that love together. I hope it gets better for both you and your wife, whatever that is or however that looks like. Many hugs