Throwaway account because my friends know my personal.
Like the title says, I (20f) have fallen in love with my FWB (36m). Honestly, it’s probably more of a casual relationship at this point but we try not to talk about it. When we first started seeing each other we said it was friends with benefits but I think that was just to make us feel a bit better about what we were doing.
Obviously there is a bit of an age gap, that was why we were both hesitant starting something in the first place. I don’t make a habit of dating people who are even more than three years older than me so sixteen years was quite a jump. He also has never dated anyone more than five years younger than him.
We have been “dating” for about four months. The first couple weeks it was mainly physical and we only really knew surface level stuff about each other. As time went on, it’s gotten way deeper than that. We go on dates, he holds my hand, we sleep in the same bed most nights, he cooks me breakfast and kisses me goodbye before he goes to work. We also shower together without having sex and when I’m on my period and having menstrual cramps, he’ll rub my stomach. He makes it a point to watch the movies I like and listen to my favorite music. He has a Spotify playlist on his phone of all the music that I’ve recommended that reminds him of me.
We also have deep conversations, about our childhoods, family and our future. We have this hypothetical idea of what our life would look like. We’d get married, move out to Wyoming or Montana, somewhere with mountains and start a ranch. I mean we’ve talked about baby names. But whenever I bring up actually being serious he gets this fucking sad look and pulls me in a whispers “baby, we can’t do that” in my hair. It’s fucking devastating.
We got into an argument last week because I brought up him maybe coming to meet my family next month. He said that we can’t and I asked him why he pushes me away when I know he cares about me. I told him that it feels like I’m just waiting on a wire to get my heart broken. I asked him why he didn’t want me and what about me wasn’t good enough and it looked like I broke his heart. He reassured me that he does care but that I’m young and shouldn’t settle for someone like him. Like he’s a bad fucking choice?
It’s been a bit weird since, we still do what we did before but we fall into uncomfortable silences and sometimes he just looks so sad. I’m losing my mind. I don’t know what to do other tell him that I’m in love with him. But if I do that I’m afraid that he’ll get scared and end it. How do I tell him without spooking him? We can’t do this forever, it’s killing both of us.
Any advice would be lovely, let me know if you have any questions, I’m sure I left stuff out.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Throwaway account because my friends know my personal.
Like the title says, I (20f) have fallen in love with my FWB (36m). Honestly, it’s probably more of a casual relationship at this point but we try not to talk about it. When we first started seeing each other we said it was friends with benefits but I think that was just to make us feel a bit better about what we were doing.
Obviously there is a bit of an age gap, that was why we were both hesitant starting something in the first place. I don’t make a habit of dating people who are even more than three years older than me so sixteen years was quite a jump. He also has never dated anyone more than five years younger than him.
We have been “dating” for about four months. The first couple weeks it was mainly physical and we only really knew surface level stuff about each other. As time went on, it’s gotten way deeper than that. We go on dates, he holds my hand, we sleep in the same bed most nights, he cooks me breakfast and kisses me goodbye before he goes to work. We also shower together without having sex and when I’m on my period and having menstrual cramps, he’ll rub my stomach. He makes it a point to watch the movies I like and listen to my favorite music. He has a Spotify playlist on his phone of all the music that I’ve recommended that reminds him of me.
We also have deep conversations, about our childhoods, family and our future. We have this hypothetical idea of what our life would look like. We’d get married, move out to Wyoming or Montana, somewhere with mountains and start a ranch. I mean we’ve talked about baby names. But whenever I bring up actually being serious he gets this fucking sad look and pulls me in a whispers “baby, we can’t do that” in my hair. It’s fucking devastating.
We got into an argument last week because I brought up him maybe coming to meet my family next month. He said that we can’t and I asked him why he pushes me away when I know he cares about me. I told him that it feels like I’m just waiting on a wire to get my heart broken. I asked him why he didn’t want me and what about me wasn’t good enough and it looked like I broke his heart. He reassured me that he does care but that I’m young and shouldn’t settle for someone like him. Like he’s a bad fucking choice?
It’s been a bit weird since, we still do what we did before but we fall into uncomfortable silences and sometimes he just looks so sad. I’m losing my mind. I don’t know what to do other tell him that I’m in love with him. But if I do that I’m afraid that he’ll get scared and end it. How do I tell him without spooking him? We can’t do this forever, it’s killing both of us.
Any advice would be lovely, let me know if you have any questions, I’m sure I left stuff out.
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An age gap that gigantic at your particular age is generally not going to be seen as appropriate to anyone with a moral compass. I know you likely feel differently, but your life stages are completely divorced from one another along with your own maturity which will evolve leaps and bounds from where you are now in just a few years.
I don’t think age gaps of this scale are bad passed a certain minimum age, probably in your mid to late twenties, but a nearly 40 year old man seriously dating a girl who isn’t even twenty one is absurd to anyone who isn’t still a fresh adult.
It’s unsurprising that a guy would want to sleep with a 20 year old. I wouldn’t do it at my age if twenty six, but I think it’s reasonable to assume someone who’s 20 can and should have the responsibility to assess the consequences of having a sexual relationship with someone nearly 20 years your senior.
Sorry to say, but I don’t see this ever working beyond what it is now, your best bet is to cut it off, it will hurt for a while Ngl, but find someone in your age group, experience things that are new to you both, good luck
If a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, why not just believe him?!
Everything about it would be a bad idea, so accept that it’s only enough for FWB or move on.
Have a real adult sit down conversation and talk it out instead of whining to him. Like, if he feels too old for you, you bringing up wanting a relationship by literally whining at him is not going to him feel like he’s suddenly your age that’s for sure
If I had to guess, I’d say he’s embarrassed about the age gap. People will look at him negatively and he doesn’t want to go through all that.
He doesn’t want U, Fwb is always bad unless U only want sex