I’m in love with my straight best friend and I don’t know what to do

I am 20’s F and in love with my close friend also 20’s F. For privacy purposes I will call her Kathryn. My crush on Kathryn started about half way through college as we became friends and fell into the same friend group. Kathryn had a boyfriend of many years and has always identified as straight. We always went out together to bars, clubs, parties, etc. Kathryn, my friends and I developed close relationships and all kissed when we were out. Kathryn and I developed a very flirty relationship that was on going for years. We have kissed while drinking COUNTLESS times now. She would even sometimes kiss our other girl friends, but our kissing was steamy, passionate, and even sometimes sneaky. Most the time we would kiss out in the open on the dance floor, other times we would run off outside or to the bathroom where it was just us. Eventually I fell for her, not just because of the kissing. It was also the intense eye contact we always make, the compliments, the touching, her insanely funny personality, her quirks, sarcasm, her eyes, her voice EVERYTHING. Kathryn is so beautiful and out of my many romantic relationships or fling things that I have had, she and only she, had me down this bad.

My friends have all made comments like “she’s clearly into you” and I have felt like she was on and off throughout the years. But it was never made clear, it was always a un sure limbo state. And I had to tread lightly because of her “straightness”, her boyfriend, and fear of ruining our friendship or friend group dynamics. There was never a conversation of “oh I feel this this or that towards you” and I have never straight up asked because well…I’m too scared. At one point we took things a little far, but not all the way in college when she had this boyfriend, but I stopped because I could not get out of my head that she may not even like girls. And the fear of making her uncomfortable. Everyone thinks she is not straight, but Kathryn denies the allegations when asked about her identity. Which is okay, but confusing. Kathryn will say “of course I’m straight” then later that night will make out with me. It is wildly confusing and I want to stop caring but I just can’t UGH. So this goes on for a couple years….then some big life changes happen. We graduate, move home, Kathryn and the boyfriend split. So, I stop flirting with her. I try to be there for her, because well she probably only needed a friend.

After some months passed after Kathryn and the boyfriend split, I start flirting again. Kathryn and I go out have some drinks and we end up having a bit of a deep conversation. She tells me she’s always been interested in me, that she was surprised I didn’t notice…..as if she ever verbally has said anything like this. Usually we went out, had some drinks, had a steamy make out sesh with lots of grabbing, then we never talk about it the next day. And have never done anything sober mind you. I always feel as though she regrets it. It never comes to light in any conversations the next day or seems meaningful to her. Her silence was loud. I just feel like I am always in the dark, even though her actions speak loudly. Back to the story- so we are having this deep conversation, and she tells me I have this “energy” that she finds intriguing. I’m sitting there baffled and blushing. I ask her if she would ever be down to do anything more than just kiss, and she said yes. So we slept together that night. I had waited about three years maybe a little less mind you. But that night wasn’t a random one night stand vibe. We were kissing each other on the cheeks, the arms, hugging, and being so sweet. Talking a little here and there. And to my surprise, at one point we were sitting up hugging, our faces together and she says “I love you” into my ear. I literally had a SHOCK WAVE go over my body, it did not feel real. I wanted to cry. Kathryn said I love you in the sweetest tone, and I said it back. Because truly, I did love her, I do love her. The next day we woke up tangled in each others arms, and it still didn’t feel real. That night was everything I had ever wanted with Kathryn, the best possible situation. I thought things would be different, but just like that, they stayed the same. Similar to any other morning we did not talk much about it the following day. I was left with thoughts of “I was the first girl she had ever been with probably the last” “she probably didn’t like it if she didn’t have anything to say” “now she knows for sure that she’s straight” “I was just a one off trial run” “she didn’t like it, she doesn’t like me”. I felt f*cking devastated. She didn’t even speak much to our friends about it, just told them that it happened and left it at that. I tried to lightly bring it up over text multiple times to gage how she was feeling, and got nothing. It’s been a long time now (almost a year) and I feel as though it’s not appropriate to bring it up, even though I still think about it frequently and have regrets of not trying to have a straight up conversation about it.

Our friendship was fine after nothing is weird or awkward. But I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I don’t know how she felt or what she feels for me now, specially after we exchanged I love you’s….I now am thinking does she even remember? was it meaningless? or does she just not care. Maybe it was just a one night stand to her. She knows I really like her, maybe not to the extent I do, but to some extent. Now she has another boyfriend. I can’t help but think I didn’t try hard enough to get her to talk or win her over more. Now, when I see her I just feel off and sad, but I don’t show it. This has gone on for so long, my situation with her. I guess am just disappointed. I don’t know if I should keep flirting or trying with her or if I should just drop it. Sometimes she seems super interested in me, other times she seems not so interested. This situation is so confusing I don’t know what to do I want to throw up. What do I do?

TL;DR I’m emotionally exhausted and don’t know if I should take a beat with this person or keep trying. Hot and cold situations are draining.