I’m 29 (f) and infertile due to a genetic condition I was born with. Been fully menopausal (properly diagnosed) for about a year
And oh my god, it’s so isolating. No one my age is experiencing what I am, they’re all getting pregnant- like on purpose cause we’re adults now and it’s exhausting.
I’m so over talking about their kids, pregnancies, etc. Im never asked about myself, and how I’m doing, what I need. It’s all about them and their kid. They don’t want to hear about the struggles of menopause so young, the emotional fatigue of pretending to give a crap about their pregnancies and kids because I’m an ahole if I don’t. I can’t say these thoughts out loud because I sound like a maniac who hates kids. I don’t. I’m just hurting and no one cares or notices how much it hurts when I’m constantly reminded of how my body is failing me and how I have no one my age to talk about it with
So for the love of god, stop talking to me about mf kids and pregnancy. Just talk to me like a human who has hobbies and a life. I’m more than my infertility, but that’s all they see of me and yet don’t have the wherewithal to be mf sensitive and treat me like a person.
Okay rant over
Comments
You might find some support on r/IFchildfree and people who understand. Sorry you’re going through this and feeling so isolated!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sometimes you have to be blunt with friends. There’s nothing wrong with telling them that you’re grieving the fact that you don’t have the option for childbirth, and that early menopause sucks. Maybe it’ll open their eyes. If you have done that and they’re still clueless, maybe it’s time for different friends. I hope your heart heals and the meno gets easier.
Hugs friend. I experienced undiagnosed infertility. It’s heartbreaking. I never talked much about it with anyone. Even my closest friends. I remember running from my in-laws back porch leaving a baby shower gift because I couldn’t make myself go.
I’m a man. I can’t relate to the menopause stuff. However, I watched my wife birth our 3 kids in 4 years. I thanked God every day that he made me a man. I consider you lucky, personally.
I also was raised next door and still friends with adopted children and their parents. One of the happiest and most loving families I’ve known to this day.
Life is full of hope and happiness if you look for it.
I despise children and i don’t get that much hate, hoestly Which is ironic because i live in a very conserivative country. Aslo, maybe be cause i dongive two shits about others expation about my body.
Tbh I’d still share with them your struggles and issues.
Since sorry but if they can dish about their bloated prggy body, they sure as shit can listen to you bemoan your hot flashes.
I’m so sorry about this. It must be so hard. I’m childfree by choice and I do struggle with my parent friends anyway. They seem to lose their identity to their children which isn’t even a bad thing and I admire! But it doesn’t suit me at this stage in my life. Do look out for new friends who share your experience more. It really helps.
I’m not in the same boat as you as I have kids and a infant but I got pregnant shortly after birth, yeeted it and fell more into post partum depression, I had to stay off social media. A lot of pregnancy announcements were being made around my due date and it sucked. I mainly stay off social media now.
It’s funny, most of my friends are single without kids (we’re in late 30s) and often when we talk I feel kinda jealous that they get to still have lives and hobbies. Grass is always greener maybe. But seems like you should get some more childless friends in your life more often. The people with kids probably aren’t going to stop talking about them anytime soon, if only because of how kids will just dominate their time and life. But there are plenty of people without kids and they tend to just get more and more interesting imo.
Unfortunately, you’ve reached a point of life where this is the more likely conversations that people are gonna have . And there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you’re feeling. Because you been going through what most people couldn’t even imagine. Pray for strength and find hobbies that don’t involve children. There nothing wrong with removing yourself from a situation that is actually hurting you. Go older . Or younger.
Look, tell them respectfully, you cant not relate to the conversation because you don’t have children.
I have a big problem with people at my work who like to show off pics and crow about their kids/grandkids at every one of our regular all-company meetings.
Folks, good for you, but did you ever consider that might be breaking someone’s soul right now? Maybe keep that regular update with your smaller circle and not a whole bunch of people who you don’t know.
Signed, someone who never had or wanted kids but who can envision how that could hurt someone like you, OP.
Distance yourself from that kind of circle…
Join us over on r/childfree or r/womenover40 (not that you are 40 but you’re going through the same hormonal changes that we are so you can fit right in!
Reading through these comments, I’ll respond properly later but I appreciate you all ❤️
I hear you. 34 and radiation for cancer treatment through me into menopause at 32. We did a rush cycle of IVF before my ovaries shrivelled and it seemed like a cruel joke when only one embryo survived. However, a lot of my friends are having babies right now and they are low key jealous my husband and I have so much freedom. We can live amazing large lives too without kids. 🙌🏻
Have you looked into getting a surrogate mother? I’d totally do that
My sister had to have an early hysterectomy, and also absolutely hates anything to do with babies, pregnancy or children. She never particularly wanted children, but she is angry she did not have the option. Totally understandable. On the bright side, she has an excuse to never have to go to another baby shower again. She also has a wardrobe that is epic, particularly her shoes. She travels, she reads, she lives her best life! If your friends are good ones, you can just be frank. They’ll understand. But know that babies are not a prerequisite to a fulfilling life.
Yes, young Mums are obsessive about their children. Just wait until they are Grandmothers. My only suggestion is that you find ‘your tribe’ through sport, arts etc….
No kid gang 🙌 Seriously tho, ppl need to understand that not everyone can or wants to procreate. Let’s change the conversation, y’know? Life’s just as valuable with or without a mini-me.
Some men are sterile…maybe check them out. Find joy in each other.
People don’t truly get it until they’ve gone through it..
I’m child free and I wholeheartedly agree 🫶🏼
I don’t understand why women think just because biologically they can carry kids, it is their destiny to do so. Have you seen Fleabag? I strongly suggest you do. Pay attention to Season 2 Episode 3. There’s this character of Belinda, she talks about how menopause liberates women, in some way.
Children are not everything. Getting pregnant is not glamorous in any stretch of imagination – in my opinion before I offend mothers in this sub lol. Good for the women who think their life revolves around rearing kids – but you? You can do something much better with your time. You don’t need a child to feel this love and care, to feel you’re okay and not failing. You’re enough. And please, stop hanging out with these people. There are many, many likeminded folks as you out there. Change your company.
I feel like I can relate to you so much, but in a different way. I am not infertile, but my Aunt is, and there is a genetic condition in the family which has made pregnancies more complicated and few.
I fell pregnant in 2022, but it was honestly a very difficult and traumatic experience for me. I had a miscarriage at nine weeks, was given the medication to help speed the process of removing the embryo and sack along quicker. The worst pain I’ve ever felt was after taking that medication, that I actually didn’t want to exist any more. I had complications which resulted in extreme blood loss, and then infection, like I had sepsis, severe weakness and fatigue, and I ended up on bed rest for six weeks. I was placed under the care of my grandparents and physically couldn’t get out of bed during this time.
My partner’s job was threatened because he had just been promoted and then he wanted to take time off to travel home and visit me, but his company wouldn’t let him because he was the only one trained for his role. So he didn’t get see me for five weeks, and it actually had a very negative effect on our relationship because he wanted to be with me, and I wanted him to be home too, but we had bills to pay, you know? So I kinda just had to be understanding of his situation as well, but meanwhile I was grieving alone because I was placed with my grandparents for a “stomach issue,” as we had agreed to not tell anyone about the pregnancy until after 12 weeks.
Since then, everyone is mentioning about their pregnancies and their childbirth stories, and my own mother won’t stop pestering me about having children because she wants grandchildren. When I have said that I don’t want children anymore or that the thought of being pregnant again is quite terrifying for me (I informed my family of the miscarriage after my recovery), she doesn’t seem to care at all. My own sisters are telling me that choosing not to have children is a big mistake and that I’ll regret it, but the whole experience was so traumatic for me and my partner, that we’ve both decided to hold off on having children.
I strongly dislike hearing anyone speak about pregnancy or having babies, and when people tell me they’re pregnant, I kind of just have to put on a fake smile and congratulate them. Like I’m genuinely happy for others, but it’s also frustrating because nobody acknowledges the grief and pain I feel when seeing baby clothes in stores, and nobody understands what it’s like having that pressure put on you to have children. I don’t get asked how I’m doing, or how I’ve been coping. Even back then, it was kinda just brushed under the rug and forgotten about.
So I do understand, but in a different way, and it’s not easy at all. Like it’s really fucking hard, and I’m sorry you have to go through this.
I’m not able to have children either. I’m not infertile but I’m too unwell to be pregnant. I’m constantly mourning the child I’ll never have. People around me have just started having children, it feels so strange watching their life develop into a stage I’ll never get to experience. While I want to be happy for them it’s such a tough position to be in. Your pain is understandable, you’re not alone in feeling it, though I’m so very sorry that it’s yours to feel 🫂
I’m male and have been steril all my life, and I love hearing someone say I’m the daddy. Sends me into laughter every single time.
They are then usually filled with rage because 1. They really aren’t pregnant and can’t con me. 2. Because I never told them. 3. They are pregnant and hoped to hell it wasn’t the other guy(s).
I’m very lucky that I have 2 kids. One was an oops when I was in my early 20’s and the second took a bit more time. But your post was too heartfelt not to respond. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I believe most women simply don’t understand what it’s like. I have a very very close friend who struggled for well over a decade. Now in their early 40’s her and her husband adopted a beautiful little girl out of foster care. It’s not the right choice for everyone. I wish you lots of virtual hugs.
I was in the same boat at your age. Therapy really helped me, I found a therapist that specialized in infertility and she was dealing with infertility as well. I also joined a couples therapy group of infertile couples. Once you realize you are not alone, it helps a lot to talk about things with people who understand.
I did eventually adopt my daughter but ironically most my friends are kid free by choice, go figure. I still relate better to kid free adults. I did make it clear early on I would never go to a baby shower- advocate for yourself! 14 years later and Ive only been to 1 (my sister who also was infertile).
My heart goes out to you I feel the same way. I wanna enjoy fun stuff such as skating but kids are everywhere and i just don’t wanna be around kids like can I just enjoy life without seeing kids i’m sorry but it makes me feel so unhappy, so i totally get u girlfriend and there is nothing wrong feeling that way.
I am so sorry. That sounds very difficult.
But a lot of people are fertile for 30 years. Whether they are 15 or 45, the people around you may be talking about having babies.
I recommend getting therapy to help you deal with this. You’re in a tough, painful situation. Please do not rule out adoption or fostering if you really want a family.
It may also help to join some childfree groups and make some friends who are not actively trying to conceive.
I wish you the best of luck, as well as peace. I didn’t want kids until it was almost too late for me. Lots of people are happy being childless. They may be your safe space while you deal with this.
Firstly, my heart hurts for you. I am not in your position, I am in the motherhood stage like your friends and it literally consumes us. Simply because it takes pretty much everything we have. Ive had friend who’ve experienced loss, and have dealt with infertility so long that the child ship has sailed. As much as I sympathized with them I didn’t truly know how it felt until I experienced loss myself, and mostly because no one talks about it. I only found out about others losses in talking about mine, which I have been open about. You are not an asshole, your feelings are valid. And whether you wanted kids or not, being deprived of that choice makes it that much harder. I think you should be honest with your friend and let them in to some of what you are feeling, if those relationships are important. It will take off some pressure from you and it will allow your friends to be more mindful. The other option is to continue to bottle it in and eventually you will find a way to distance yourself from them. But I Hope you find a way to be honest and they are supportive of you.
Ugh I wish we were friends. Don’t have kids. Don’t want kids. Rarely want to talk about kids. Go find your me! 32, married, childless and ready to mutually vent about all the hard things. There’s lots of us out there.
Get a man with a vasectomy. (Hint, I have one) In all seriousness though, that way you won’t worry about being with someone who wants kids.
If it makes you feel any better, I regret having kids.
It’s so much more common than you think 🩷 one of my closest friends has been trying for kids for four years, tried multiple IUIs, had a miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, got an ovary removed, tried IVF… it’s been so rough. I empathize with her so much. She always thought of starting a support group because it’s really helpful to talk this out with someone your age who can relate.
Plenty of men out there that don’t want kids