Hi all!
I need some help. I (M 34) have been dating my GF (F 31) for about 4 months now, and generally our relationship is fantastic. She’s smart, funny, we get along well, have similar interests, she’s gorgeous , and I absolutely love spending time with her, what else can I ask for? Unfortunately, there is a problem, and it stems with me. I have been suffering from ED for the better part of a decade, and it’s effects of my relationships have not been great. I take pills to help out, but there are still the occasions where I can’t perform, and I can visible see the disappointment on my GFs face when this happens. On top of that, when it does happen, it doesn’t last long and once again I see the disappointment on her face… Recently, we had a conversation about this and she mentioned that she is starting to feel disconnected from me. She also mentions that I am not intimate with her outside of the bedroom in our daily lives and she really needs that. I know personally that I feel super awkward doing anything that may come off as her thinking I’m stupid, so I don’t try much. Honestly, I wouldn’t even know what to do … She mentions that she wants me to tell her that she looks nice (which I do, but she sees mentions that there isn’t much passion behind it), she wants me to touch her, she asks me why I don’t grab her ass when not in bed, but I seriously don’t even know when I’d do that. I think I need some serious advice on how to be this passionate guy she wants because I want her to be happy and us to workout as a couple. This stacked on top of the ED makes me feel like the lowest of the low in manly hood… I need help… I want her to feel sexy around me. I want her to be satisfied in and out of bed. How can I be this sexy guy she wants, how do I spark that passion to help us grow together ?
For the record, my last relationship ended for this EXACT reason… After about a year my ex (F 30) mentioned that she lost the connection with me because of my performance in bed, and my general way of being around her that made her feel like we were simply friends and not romantic partners. I was not only devastated by this, but I’m sure you can imagine that this crushed my confidence… I want to break this cycle for me.
I really like this girl and I don’t want it to end because of this damn reason. I’m desperate for help…
TL;DR: I need help initiating intimacy with my GF to help me make up for some in-bedroom issues I have
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Buddy I feel for you and hope you can work on this.
You should check with a doctor to make sure your hormones and such are ok, especially if ED meds aren’t working consistently. It’s way easier to get your hormones in check if that’s the concern than it is to fake how they should make you feel.
Therapy can help you be more expressive and connect more intimately with people. She wants to have deep conversations with you about your AND HER hopes and dreams, fears and regrets, past and future, controversial opinions, embarrassing stories, deepest darkest secrets. Not just boring conversations about what you had for lunch and what TV shows you like. Tell her how much she means to you. Tell her what you feel.
This is really hard for some people and for some reason y’all INEVITABLY end up with people who NEED to hear it just to be ok, lol.
Try to make sexually suggestive physical contact a few times per day and NONSEXUAL contact 4x as much. Walk by and put your hand on the small of her back, admiringly. Push her hair back off her face. Grab her hand and kiss it. Shove her up against a wall and kiss her. Cuddle up on the couch. Kiss her forehead.
Do you do a lot of foreplay so she gets to finish at least once? You can incorporate toys. As for outside the bedroom I would look into love languages. It sounds like hers are words of affirmation and physical touch. Mine are the same. Tell her she’s beautiful at random times of the day. Give her hugs just because. Look in her eyes and tell her how much you care about her. Some casual touches on the waist, neck, shoulders, hair etc. Grab her ass or give it a little pat. Just things to show her you’re attracted to her
Lots of foreplay before penetration. Also, get some sex toys for her they are fun, feel great, and use them on her. Just walk by, give her hug, and grab her booty. Tell her how beautiful she is. Kiss her on the neck when walking by her. Hold her hand. Give her foot massages and back rubs. Brush her hair. Run her a bath. Many other ways besides these I mentioned to show intimacy outside of the bed room these are just a few that were off the top of my head. They are intimate and show you care.
A small touch, a smile, buying flowers or her favourite foods, book a couples massage…even offer to give her a massage(doesn’t need to be sexual, just contact) hold her hand whenever your near, a kiss hello and goodbye. You don’t have to be afraid to show her how much you love her. A lot of people didn’t grow up with adults who showed affection so they don’t know how to behave. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Sitting down and asking her what she likes affection wise is good too. I’d also see and endocrinologist and get checked for Klienfelters Syndrome. My fiance has it and unless he takes his hormones he can’t get an election either. Keep open and honest with her if you love her. Maybe even see a couples therapist. It sounds like you BOTH need to learn to communicate your wants and needs.
She said intimacy outside the bedroom, which could help you get going too. She even specified ass grabbing. Do you not touch her outside the bedroom? How do you greet her in person? Say goodnight after a date? Do you kiss her in the morning after spending the night? Hold her or give her a foot rub or something while watching TV? Say “good job babe” and give her little kisses whenever she does something that makes your life better? Bring her a glass of water and squeeze her butt when her hands are full? Wait for her so you can hold hands walking to the car? There are so many little things like these that you can do.
I struggled with this a bit, kind of always do with new partners.
This time I got a prescription for Viagra and took it 2 times and haven’t had any real issues since