I know you guys are going to crucify me but honestly, you can’t add more pain to what i’m already feeling. Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
My marriage has taken a dramatic turn over the past decade. No sex is the least of the issues. My wife disconnected to a level where she doesn’t even say goodnight anymore. No ‘how was your day’, ‘how are you feeling’, no touch, no hug, no compliment. Nothing. If she said an ‘i love you’ more then 5 times over the past decade, i’ll eat my left shoe. I reach out every day, compliment her, tell her i love her, ask her about her day, et cetera. I feel unattractive, unworthy, barely tolerated.
I’ve talked about it, dozens and dozens of times. She refuses therapy and basically says ‘this is it until we die or divorce, take it or leave it’. I’ve asked her if she’s really oke with this and she says she’s fine. We have a nice house, great (adult) children, money is no issue and we share a lot of interests, so objectively speaking we’re doing great.
I’m not sure but a lot changed since she had a short lived EA that let to the point of her seeing him as a perfect soulmate. She kept it at EA level because he was a foreigner visiting her workplace for a week. If he was a countryman i’m doubting we’d still be married. I only found out when i started questioning her on why she was so fucking sad. I consoled her, assured her we’d get over it and that was it.
Early last week i posted something under a different username. A 45 yo woman from a different country responded with a very wise answer and we agreed to discuss further through chatting. She’s basically in the same situation, with a dead bedroom and a husband who doesn’t seem to see her. It clicked from the first moment. It escalated and end day 2 it was an EA. End day 3 it escalated further to PA, although only through chatting (no pics or whatever). Day 5 we’re wondering wtf is happening to us and we’re talking about how to make this work longtime. After that doubt and guild crept in and yesterday we ended it.
Now the issue. She made me feel things i haven’t felt in maybe 2 decades. My heartbeat was stronger, i smiled all day, my walk was stronger, i felt this positive nervousness, but most important, i felt like finally somebody really saw me. The connection was way deeper than words, i could really open up to her. She was the first woman to ever call me handsome and attractive. Yes, that includes my wife…
It’s the day after and i’m crushed. My heart feels empty, the future is blank again. And call me shallow but her being extremely beautifull and 14 years younger made me realise i’m basically voluntarily settling for a world of hurt. I never knew i actually can do better than this but well, i clearly can.
I always thought i could make it work, that i would love and honour my wife untill i died, that it wasn’t that bad not having sex ever again, that she deep inside undoubtly still loved me and that compliments are just words. Untill last week.
I don’t know what to do anymore. My wife doesn’t know and given that before her EA there was an incident of her and a former male friend of ours drunkenly getting into some highly inappropriately touching, i’m inclined to call it even and just keep it to myself.
So, please, anybody with input or advice? What would you do?
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You both sound awful together. Divorce and find happiness.
Your wife already refused therapy. She had her chance to work to fix the relationship. She declined.
If she wanted to she would have.
Please just move on.
No clue why you would want to stay in that relationship, so my advice: don’t.
The best advice is to get a divorce yesterday. You’ve got a few decades left, make something of it. No need to be unhappy.
If you don’t want to divorce, it may not be fully ethical but since your wife has already checked out, I don’t think there’s anything morally wrong with having an affair in your specific situation.
If both you and your wife have no optimism for your relationship, and if she doesn’t wish to try and improve the situation by going to couple’s therapy etc. Then divorce is the only answer.
It’s not like you have children to support anymore, so you need to consider your own wellbeing and what YOU want for the remaining years of your life.
give yourself the love you would your wife and find the courage to leave for you! you deserve a life filled with opportunity and hope! it will be a hard adjustment but life is on the other side of fear and if you and your wife are meant to work out it will. but you’ll never know if you stay constant.
She said “this is it until we divorce, take it or leave it” and you think telling her about this other woman is going to be a call to action? She gave you your answer. She’s shown you through her actions she couldn’t care less about you or anything you’re doing. You ask “what would you do?”. I would have divorced her after she said take or leave giving me absolutely nothing.
You probably won’t find the answers you’re looking for on Reddit. But you’re only 58. I live in the US. Average life expectancy for males is 76. I know it differs elsewhere; etc. You have at least another two decades to find someone that’s going to express genuine interest about you. Someone to provide you physical touch, hugs, love, etc. It sounds like you have so much to give. Why waste it? You’ve been able to commit 30 years to someone. These days, most people would be so lucky to find a partner like that. You’ve done everything you can. Time to choose your happiness, friend. 🫂
Divorce mate. You deserve someone who wants you. We all deserve to be wanted… thing is she will probably realise the grass isnt greener when she spends real time with someone else n realises no one is perfect.
But by the point you will have realised the grass is greener as everyone needs to be wanted
You don’t need to bring another woman into this. Just be clear with your wife – you are at a breaking point and it is counselling or divorce.
It breaks my heart to see just how much effort you’ve made to communicate and open up to her! So many people in bad relationships will find that this is where they’ve been going wrong, but here you’ve been doing exactly the right thing. You have feelings of being unloved, unwanted and barely tolerated and she doesn’t care? Just “take it or leave it” and get divorced? All while you’re showing interest and affection to her on a daily basis.
It’s hard to suggest what to do in your situation when it appears your wife has shown such a lack of interest in making things right. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. An open relationship might be a solution? If you’re in touch with a couples therapist, a close friend or someone who knows you both very well (better than a post on the internet) you could seek advice about how your wife would respond to that before bringing it up. And if you do go down that route, remember that you can by all means find someone to connect with. Remember this experience, you found somebody who appreciates you and makes you feel loved, and you can do it again.
Best of luck!
I guess I don’t understand why you and your wife are together. Clearly, neither of you are happy together. And both of you have obviously been able to find happiness, however fleeting, with other people. Therapy is off the table, by her choice. Without both parties willing to invest time, effort, and emotional energy into a relationship, it is inevitably going to sink. Right now, you’re at a stalemate. Is this truly how you want to spend the next 20+ years?
You have one life to live. You don’t get a do-over. Why not make this life you have a happy one, and let each other go so you both can try again to find happiness?
I think you should stay unhappy and die with an unfulfilled life, and hope your wife will torture you till the end.
Nahhh I joking man, you deserve to be happy and you are old enough to make difficul choises. I think that the only advise for you I have is to do stuff in right sequence.
First talk to lawyer, then talk to wife, then divorce (try to do it as paceful and possible) and only then start new relationship.
Enjoy your life, you deserve it and your wife deserve it as well. There is 0 chance that you will figure stuff out togeher and be happy together ever. Your relantionship is over it is over for years now, you just didn’t realize that.
Live and enjoy the time you still have.
Your marriage is dead. Have the funeral already