I’m in a PhD program and noticed something about a relationship between my two upper classmates. They seem to be very close, but I don’t really see one supporting another.
A is a very charismatic person who presents herself very well. B speaks her mind and isn’t as a sweet talker as A is.
My experience with them both have been very pleasant, but I do noticed that A tends to not share information that would benefit others. Meanwhile, B does share information to just anyone. I feel like B is more open hearted. For example, if A knows about an existing grant, she wouldn’t share it. Meanwhile, B would go her way out to tell you to get that free money.
Person A knows a lot of professors who she is very close to and is hiring for students to help them. Person B shared with me that she struggled one semester to find a professor to fund her for a teaching position I asked why she didn’t work with the people person A knows, and she ashamedly told me that she didn’t have anyone to connect her. I didn’t ask more, but I felt like person A didn’t want to connect them based on what I’m understand. I mean, wouldn’t you just connect your best friend with someone so they can get a teaching position to fund them? They both have the skills set, so it’s not like B can’t do A’s job. I’m not saying that Person A has to share every opportunity to B, but I also feel like A should have when B was in financial need and needed funding. Person A connected me with the professors because we are not the same group. I feel like I’m not a threat to her, so maybe that’s why. I’m not even that close to her.
Being neurodivergent, I tend to over-read these small interactions between people. Sometimes it scares me because I’m the type to do anything to help people who I can friends and expect the same thing. I don’t care if you are a pleasant person, but if you without help for me when you can provide the help, I don’t feel safe around you.
Comments
Sounds like person A is only interested in looking out for person A.
I’m neurodivergent also, but honestly there’s no mystery here. Some people are doormats. And some people are just generous and don’t mind.
That said, I don’t think it’s all that weird to be guarded about advantageous information in a competitive profession. Yes, ideally we would all be generous about such things. But people have been burnt by that before. While I’m not this person and tend more towards being generous with information, I honestly think “silent planners” are smart. They keep business and friendship separate.
I also don’t think we should expect people to help us at all costs even if we would do that. That’s an assumed contract the other person hasn’t agreed to. You’re well within your rights to walk away from a friendship that isn’t serving you, but it doesn’t mean the person with different expectations is doing anything wrong, unless they are actively using you.
Luckily, many people grow and only maintain friendships with those who respect and support them. Hopefully, person b learns that lesson soon! I used to let the wrong people in my life, but after a lot of introspection, therapy, and education, I no longer do that. People can be self-serving, and I choose not to engage with them on a personal level.
We had the same thing during our undergrad. We had a facebook group with the 130 people who started on the same day/same faculty. Quickly several groups emerged. Group A would never share their summaries/notes they took during class, saying “if you wanted it, you should have gone to class. I’m not giving up something for nothing”, while group B shared everything they had, all the notes they took, summaries they made, exams they found from previous years, any and all info they had, just to help others pass, without asking or caring if the others have gone to class.
It’s just character differences, some people are more like fuck you i got mine, and some others selflessly want to see others succeed and help them do so if they can.