Im not a good person cause i have hurt a lot of people

i always feel really insecure in relationships. I tend to obsess over a particular girl and when they give me any little sign of rejection I have a tendency to manipulate them into giving me sympathy. i will like cut myself and send the videos of it to them or talk about hurting myself. i know it’s crazy and I don’t know why ive done it so many times. once they get tired of my behavior and leave me that’s when I will want to commit suicide. This is a pattern i have and it feels like a never ending cycle of misery. the only thing i care about is not being alone. I just don’t know whats wrong with me and why i have a tendency to hurt others. I tell myself I won’t do it again and then I mess up and push people away again

there’s so many things wrong with me but ill try to keep it short. I feel empty inside, always feel alone even when around people, I have intense mood swings when I feel rejected, I always view myself as a bad person or as if I don’t exist, I have stabbed myself with things, self harm scars all on my legs, i act like a vulnerable narcissist, always spaced out, i obsess over particular girls, i have a severe fear of abandonment, social anxiety disorder, depression, i lack empathy, enjoy getting sympathy to feel less alone, think literally everyone dislikes me or judges me, nearly killed myself with benzos, enjoy having unprotected sex and using drugs, have seriously manipulated people and scared the shit out of my family, been hospitalized 5 times for self harm, have a tendency to punish or sabotage myself cause I view myself as bad, have had issues controlling anger

I pretty much think what caused all of this was the extreme stress I went through when I was 14. there was so much awful stuff going on at once. i didn’t know how to handle it and everything has been messed up ever since