Hi
I’m going through a really tough time that’s causing me severe anxiety and insomnia. I’m a guy in my early twenties and I’m struggling with same-sex attraction. A few days ago, one of my close friends got married, and not long before that, a family friend got engaged and we were invited to the engagement party. These events triggered something in me emotionally, it made me feel like my turn is coming, and it’s destroying me inside.
I didn’t choose to feel this way. I don’t feel any romantic or physical attraction to women, none at all. And because of my personal beliefs, I’ve never acted on my feelings or gotten into any kind of relationship. I plan to keep it that way.
I’m really scared of the idea of marriage. I can’t imagine marrying a woman knowing I wouldn’t be able to give her the love and desire she deserves. Why should I drag someone innocent into my personal struggle? She would deserve someone who truly loves and appreciates her, not someone faking his way through it. I’m also terrified that if I ever do get married, my secret will eventually come out and ruin both our lives.
I know I’m only attracted to guys. But back in high school, there was one girl I really admired, I still think about her sometimes. It was never a physical thing; it was purely emotional. I was drawn to her confidence, beauty, and kindness. For a while, that gave me hope that maybe I could be “normal.” But even if she were still in my life, I know deep down I wouldn’t feel physical attraction even though she is quite pretty. So while the feelings gave me some hope, I knew deep inside that kind of relationship would be impossible.
At the engagement party i talked about, I met a guy and immediately felt attracted to him. But this short meeting crushes me and sent me into a spiral. It’s like a heartbreak every time, falling for someone who will never feel the same way, and knowing that even thinking about acting on these feelings goes against my beliefs. It hurts. A lot. I kept thinking of this guy for days and cried myself to sleep every single night for weeks thinking about him even though we just met for like 2 hours, interacted for less than 5 minutes and will never ever meet again…..
This has happened multiple times before. I fall for someone, and then I isolate myself. I stop eating, get depressed, and become overwhelmed with fear about the future. I’m especially afraid of reaching the point where I’m expected to get married, just to avoid suspicion or to not disappoint my family.
Thankfully, I’ll be starting university soon. It’s a five years program, which gives me some time before I’m pressured to think about marriage. But even with that time, I’m still incredibly anxious about what’s going to happen down the line.
What should I do?
I’m sorry this was so long… I really wanted to put this out of my chest. Thank you so much for reading. I really appreciate any advice….
Comments
you don’t have to get married, why do you think it’s inevitable ? social / peer pressure ?
be firm in your standing if you don’t want to get married, when asked just say that you have no plan for it in the foreseeable future, when further questioned say it’s a personal matter, you have no obligation to explain yourself to anyone.
Why do you need to get married?
I don’t understand why you feel that you have to marry a woman. A lot of straight men don’t do this.
where are you from
Dude. Relax. Give yourself some grace. You don’t have to be married. Just be gay and chill. Maybe you’ll find someone who you will want to marry someday and it’ll flow. It shouldn’t be stressful. I’ve been married for the past seven years and I enjoy the sanctity of it — that there’s someone to share my life with and we can go through it together.
So. Relax. Enjoy life how you see fit.
Please don’t get married to a woman unless she wants to be in a relationship with a man who is secretly gay and celebrate. If she is asexual you will be OK. Join an asexual community and share where you are at openly and maybe you will find a match.
You definitely shouldn’t feel any need to get married, heterosexualy or otherwise. Many straight men never get married, it’s fine. As others have said, people ask just say you’re not planning on it, and move on..
That’s said, and not that I’m saying this is a good idea, but there are a lot of great women who would love a lavender marriage (gay man / straight woman married and sharing friendship, companionship, but no romance or sex generally. Think Living with your female bff and getting the financial benefits of splitting costs).
Which law forces you to get married to anyone ?
You’ve created an incredible amount of drama in your mind…
Most of it isn’t real ! But you create anxiety over projected situations that may never occur… Yeah, that’s crazy…
Why not just be real with yourself and others ?
You must live your life according to what you want, not what society and its systems expect of you. If you act by placing the desires of others (which will always be unattainable) above yourself, you will live a life of great suffering and unhappiness.
Remember, no matter what you do, you can never keep everyone happy at the same time. Therefore, your happiness and well-being must be your priority, and screw others in the best sense of the word. This isn’t selfishness, it’s self-love. Why should the direction of your life be at the mercy of the impressions of others? No one but you will bear the consequences of your actions, therefore, no one but you should decide for you.
By the way, it seems you need to take a trip alone or something, to a place where no one knows you and no one expects anything from you. I feel you trapped in the village, as if that city were the only thing that exists in this world. It’s not like that. Expand your horizons now that you’re young and have the vitality to explore and discover what you want for yourself.
It’s also unhealthy to get so easily carried away by someone you definitely don’t know and let it affect you so deeply. Be careful when interacting with other people. You should try to detect when you’re dumping an unrealistic avalanche of hopes on others; it will save you the pain caused by the disruption between your hopes and the reality of things. When you meet someone, allow them to show you who they are without prejudice and without glorifying the other person; that’s closer to something healthy for everyone.
Don’t ruin anybody else’s life just don’t get married.
Do not marry a woman your right it will be wrong and you be the ah if you ruin someone life
Stop overthinking it. Go to uni, get a degree, get a job, build yourself a life where you are self sufficient. You will meet new people. Gain new experiences along the way. Your beliefs might change in time.
Focus on your future for now and do everything else along the way as it feels natural to you. As you grow you understand yourself better. Things will make more sense just give it time.
Eventually you will have to make decisions. These will be a lot easier to make when you are independent. Not everyone in your life will support and accept those decisions. Some relationships might end, but you will gain new ones. Don’t live a life of misery where you deny yourself. People around you might have the best intentions but they might not understand you completely. Listen to them, if you think ehet they say comes from a place of love, but if you know something to be untrue, don’t be afraid to against them. They will eventually accept you as you are.
It sounds like you live in a culture in which homosexuality is not permitted. If this is the case, I suggest that all is not lost. Find a gay woman to marry. The two of you can go through the motions and pretend to have a happy marriage, but neither of you will expect sex from the other, can you each will be understanding if the other one finds a special friend to spend time with.
There are ways to deal with the issue of children, too, if the two of you feel like you need to have them.
Don’t despair. Look for a gay woman. I’m not sure how you do that, but think about it.
I’m sorry that you have a lot of social pressure on you, I hope at uni you’re able to find acceptance.
If you REALLY must find a wife, specifically. Look for someone who is also gay and be each others covers, or find someone who is asexual and doesn’t expect sex at all.
But you have time to figure out what works for you, you may decide it’s worth coming out. I hope you are able fine a way to live authentically. Your family -should- care more about your happiness than your sexuality, but I understand
You have to decide what’s more important: living your truth for yourself, or to appease your family, you don’t get to cry about not being able to have your cake and eat it too. If you’re not willing to lose/disappoint your family, then, frankly, you don’t want to live your truth enough. Choose yourself.
Choose a career path post graduation that will give you the opportunity to emigrate. Find yourself a home in a country that is progressive for a few years and give yourself the ability to explore who you are and what will make you happy in a way that keeps you safe.
I think you need to go to therapy to learn to your accept yourself as being gay. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to other men. You could still get married and have all those things but with a man.
You could marry an aro ace woman. Or a closeted gay woman. Surely it’s just as bad to be a gay woman as it is a man in your culture, so they’re bound to exist.
If you are in a country that being homosexual is illegal or heavily frowned upon. Work to free yourself. Get a job or attend university abroad. Your happiness is the most important. Do not be afraid of who you are or what you feel. It may be a scary leap to move somewhere else and establish new connections but I can guarantee that you will eventually feel a huge weight lifted.
I feel like people are severely judging you without understanding that you literally live in the Middle East.
While my biggest advice would be to try and leave. Do some soul searching. See if you can break apart from the identity of whatever your parents and society has created for you. And then learn to be okay with your sexuality.
As of right now? Get to Uni first. One day at a time. Worry about crossing that bridge when you get to it.
One day you’ll have to decide if you’re worthy of allowing yourself the freedom to love whoever you want. My heart breaks for you. I was raised in Mormon polygamy in the US. I found out I liked women (as a woman) and it was devastating. I can empathize deeply with your situation. Leaving behind that world was the best and hardest decision I ever made.
I hope one day you can live in a world that loves and accepts you for who you are. (Maybe in another country).
All I can tell you man is just do what you want and what makes you happy.
If you have to move because of family or religion or social/ societal issues- move to be happy.
That is it. No one cares who you like or who you don’t but you and whatever your family may say comes second.
Just be happy bro.
Be a lifetime ‘confirmed bachelor’.
Maybe you can move here in the USA. There’s lots of gay marriage that happens in this country. Who knows you might meet someone that will make you very happy and you can make him very happy. I hope things go very well for you. Blessed be my friend.
I saw you said you’re from somewhere in the middle east where there is social stigma against gay people. If it is socially stigmatized, but not physically dangerous for you, I would be remiss if I did not suggest that you at least consider exploring what you feel in your heart or try doing some thought exercises on what your life could be like if you did. It sounds like you might be deeply religious and I want to say: In many other places, there are religious people who still happily embrace their LGBTQ+ identity because many religious texts can be misinterpreted or just interpreted from a new perspective. So embracing who you are does not require one to abandon their culture, but only expand their perception and interpretations.
Other folks have suggested going on a solo trip somewhere and doing some self-exploration, and I agree. If your university has study abroad programs, I encourage you to try one or more of those so you can spend extended time somewhere where you can reinvent yourself and be the person you want to be for a while, not what others want you to be.
According to many surveys and studies, it is believed that approximately 10% of the population is LGBTQ+ so there are likely more people in your community who are also gay and have same fears and worries you do. So it also might benefit you to find a support group (maybe online if you are concerned about anonymity) comprised of other LGBTQ+ people in your country or your culture. They would have the best advice on how to handle this because they have lived through the same pressure and fear you are facing.
A quote I try to live by is “When you’re old and on your death bed, you regret the things you DID NOT do more than you regret the things you DID do.” Think about your older self when you make your choices. What kind of life do you want to be able to look back on? What kind of life would make an older you smile and be thankful?
Much love and good luck, friend.