I’m tired of being the duffel bag- the one people use but just chuck away when they’re done. As in – I went to a singles night once: guys ate from a platter I bought and totally ignored me. I’d smoothed my ‘frizzy’ hair, wore makeup and dressed as well as I could, so it really hurt even though it’s nothing new.
I’ve been treated with contempt most of my life by family, students and teachers at school, co-workers and managers. I didn’t have reliable female relatives or friends to show me what worked for me. Close family have been cruel. Lovers – most of them have been unemployed and didn’t even brush their teeth. They were happy to have me work, even in jobs I hated and that I was bullied at, on their behalf.
I’m getting older. I never thought I had the right to be vain, as I was ridiculed for wearing love-heart earrings and lipstick when I was younger, but the lines are piling up on my face. I don’t get asked for ID anymore when buying alcohol. This bothers me. I’m getting older and I’ve had to spend most of my life struggling to survive.
I don’t know what to do next to stop being the ‘fat ugly frizzy’ one that people don’t respect or at least make me respect myself. I try not to think about it so I won’t be angry and sad, and I’ve normally had bigger concerns, but I don’t think it’s helping anymore.
I’ve normally been too poor to have a regular GP, let alone a hairdresser. I’ve had a GP note I have PCOS but refused to help me and just told me to lose weight even though I lost a lot of time and money trying and failing to. No referrals or anything.
I’m scared of using a curling iron because I’m clumsy and no one will help me if I burn myself. I have too many clothes and I don’t think most of them suit me. I want to get a haircut tomorrow and see if I can get some makeup done by Mecca or the Clinique ladies, but I’m not sure if I should get my colours done or not.
I don’t know what to change and what not to. I just want to stop being disrespected.
Have someone employed who takes care of themself also take an interest in me and want to take care of me a bit too. Get permanent roles with decent pay and promotions. Be more than a duffel bag.
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For the hair, have you tried the Curly Girl methodology? I know people who went from frizzy mess to shiny bouncy curls by following that routine.
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First and foremost: you need to decide to put yourself on a pedestal and be the person who stops accepting the dregs of men who treat you like a duffel bag. Boundaries and standards are your friend. The moment you choose to stop disrespecting yourself, your pathways will open.
Embrace the curl if you’re one of us curlies and YOU NEED TO BE VAIN AF! No seriously, if your face is busted: learn to snatch it and highlight your best features with beauty youtube university. Find curly hair stylists and start learning how to actually care for yourself.
Figure out your vertical and horizontal proportions and learn how to dress your body to emphasize or downplay what you want.
Walking is great for starting a basic exercise program to stay consistent with and is free. Diets don’t work because to maintain weight loss requires a lifestyle change, so start simple and know that weight loss happens in the kitchen/dining table… not the gym. Cut the sugars and shit. Drink more water, we are not in the advanced stages of nutrition for you yet.
Best of luck!
I’m sorry you have had such a tough time.
To be honest, a haircut or new clothes and makeup are not going to do much while you are in this state of mind. You have to start with your sense of self worth and self love.
Take care of yourself. I think you would benefit from a new doctor, and a referral for any health issues, and a referral for therapy.
Take that desire for a haircut and new clothes, and turn it around. It seems you want those things for approval and acceptance fromothers. Do them for YOU.
For instance, instead of a haircut, treat yourself to a self care day. Watch some videos or read articles about hair that is the same texture as yours, and how best to take care of it. Frizzy hair is curly hair, and curly hair is gorgeous, but does require a routine. Commit to finding a routine, just for you, that feels good and lets your hair do its thing.
Buy a set or two of comfy loungewear that only you will see and enjoy. The fabric you like best, the print you like best, everything. Completely disregard what other people might think, do, or say about it if they saw you in it. Get it as a gift for you, from you, and watch a great movie and drink some wine or smoke some weed! Enjoy life!
Get exercise as a regular scheduled routine. Most big box gyms offer trainers. Ask for a recommendation for one that can help you with a cardio, strength, and stretching routine that can fit into your schedule. Your goal for this is not to make you more socially acceptable or lose weight, although those are happy side effects. Your goal is to feel good in your body, release endorphins and other goodies your body makes when you do exercise, and feel a sense of accomplishment. It takes a few weeks for an exercise routine to start to become a source of pleasure and pride, but once it does it’s amazing. Therapy is helpful, but a lot of mental health and happiness can come from a regular gym routine.
Maybe you can try going low carb/keto, but really understanding and being accurate with carb tracking. It always seems to work as long as you aren’t dumb & aren’t one of those people who think “natural sugars don’t count” I’ve done it & so have others and we always lost significant weight until they started making excuses or acting like they didn’t know when they could read labels or google it. This is the only diet/ lifestyle change that didn’t leave me hungry or unsatisfied. I have lost weight and wasn’t even counting calories on this regimen. Intermittent fasting really will help in general as well. Getting weight down will help significantly but you have to be serious and dedicated. I love finding recipes on TikTok and saving them into a folder.
Next for how to dress, getting your colors done would save you a lot of money in the long run if you are trying to revamp your wardrobe or stop wasting time with things that won’t look good on you. Getting an idea of your body type would help significantly. For the time being, work with what you have that fits now by looking up outfits on Pinterest or TikTok creators with the same body type and size so you can feel put together.
For makeup, try to watch some tutorials and find a basic makeup look that will act as an everyday look. Nothing harsh and the products don’t have to be expensive. And remember first step is always skincare. If you have PCOS that may indicate hormonal acne so if you have that (I do too) try to get that under control.
As for hair, look up hairstyles for your face shape. It may not be the cut, you may just need a better routine. I would suggest not going for any huge chops at the moment and work with what you have unless you have dead ends. But working with a hairdresser may be helpful to establish a better routine.
In general it sounds like you are unhappy with your looks, which is fine, we’ve all been there! I don’t mean to come off harsh in any way so I hope you don’t take it that way. If you want any recommendations for skin concerns feel free to ask, I am an open book and have tried so much and finally feel like I have that under control. Korean skincare will be your best friend regardless of acne, they know what they are doing. And honestly, TikTok can be an amazing resource and saving the videos into folders like recipes, style, hair, skin, makeup, etc. Taking care of yourself isn’t vain, and “look good feel good” is very real! You deserve to feel and look beautiful and pouring into yourself will do just that.
Kiddo (and still to me you are young enough to be called that), you’ve realized by now that the world can be a cruel place. It can and will kick you when you’re down, and tell you things to make you feel bad.
You don’t have to join in. Give yourself some grace. You’ve had enough people being cruel to you, and you’ve survived it. Don’t be cruel to yourself.
And definitely don’t go looking for a relationship right now. Build value in yourself first. Because you do have value.
The only thing you need to change is what you’re willing to put up with. Don’t put up with disrespect, just so you can have a few scraps of affection. Your physical appearance is a secondary issue because it doesn’t matter how beautiful or thin you become, you will still be used and treated disrespectfully if you let people treat you like that.
You need to clear out the disrespectful people to make room for good supportive people in your life, which means you have to risk being rejected and alone. But keep in mind, when a disrespectful person rejects you for setting reasonable boundaries, it has nothing to do with you or your worth. They leave because they don’t want to live up to reasonable expectations, and that is more about them than you. Let them leave. You deserve to be treated with decency and respect no matter what you look like.
If you’re trying to improve your looks, maybe check out the Vindicta sub – it’s all about looksmaxxing with real useful information from women who are using techniques to elevate their looks for the social benefits that come with improved looks.
OP,
Listen, I don’t know who coined the term DUFL, but they need a talking to. You’re not a duffel bag or a loser. You’re surviving in a world that’s often unfair. The fact that you’re still standing and trying to show up for yourself, even with a haircut or lipstick, shows real grit.
If others treat you like background noise, that reflects their lack of depth, not yours. It’s not about frizzy hair or earrings. What matters is your good heart; the world needs more of that. Go get the haircut and let someone paint your face with Clinique magic. Burn yourself with the curling iron if you must, but do it like a warrior claiming her throne.
And one last thing… you’re not too old or too late. You’re in the middle of your story, not the end. I’m rooting for you.
Go fuck shit up. You’ve got this.
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Fuck those people. You need to do what makes you happy.
Work on your confidence
Find out your Kibbe Body type (look it up), so you know how to dress
Find out what season you are (color theory), so you find out what colors work for you
For the last two points you can ask Chatgpt or look for a celebrity that looks like you and match their style, if you like it.
One has to dress well at any weight.
If you have PCOS, you should be on metformin (which is cheap in generic form) and some other meds, and be followed by a doctor. Your body will hang onto the weight because your hormones are out of whack, but that’s not the only reason to get treatment. You deserve a healthy body at whatever size you are. You deserve to be treated like the valuable person you are. You are worthy of love and kindness. You deserve to feel pretty and to enjoy makeup and jewelry and all that stuff. I don’t know why you haven’t been treated the right way in the past, but until you believe you have value and are worth getting to know, it will be even harder to find a partner who sees you that way too.
Get back up there on that horse. Put on cute earrings because you like them. Get out of the house and laugh and enjoy your food and spend time with other people. If that sounds impossible, it’s time to talk to a therapist to help you move forward. You can do it.
I don’t think you’re a loser. I think you’re struggling and that’s not entirely your fault. I think it’s hard to find “your people” (people who are kind and become family) but they’re out there
There’s so much here dude (generic dude hope it doesn’t upset you) – you need some real, professional help, ASAP.
I’m not gonna tackle your weight, which it seems like you’re unhappy with. Honestly it seems like you’re unhappy with everything. But your weight does NOT give or take value away from who you are as a person. You are a person, deserving of love and empathy and everything else. You deserve to love yourself enough to know some of these things that have been happening are not OK.
You really need some therapy to deal with all the stuff life has thrown at you, and it seems like a lot. And to move forward and envision a life you WANT, one you want to live, one which makes you happy and empowers you. And work towards that.
If you need resources or whatever reach out but you are deserving of so much more than these things and you are deserving of love and a beautiful life and you deserve to love yourself as you are and how you are as long as you believe in yourself. YOU are amazing and perfect the way you are. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise other than yourself. And don’t let yourself beat yourself down either because that’s not friendly and you should at least be your own friend.
Edit:
This is so much not about hair I didn’t even mention it.