My husband and I have been together over 10 years, married for 4. We both came into our relationship with children and also had one together. In the past, we have had issues not exactly with infidelity… but there was a time before our youngest was born when we had grown apart and were talking to other people online. We worked through it and stayed together, and haven’t had any issues since. My problem is, when I discovered he was talking to people online, it wasn’t to women. He was talking to other men. I was not not innocent in this situation, as I mentioned. I was talking to someone too. Up until that point he hadn’t given any indication he was even bisexual and still insists he isn’t. This was over 5 years ago now.
Fast forward to now, and our sex life has been pretty much nonexistent for a few years. It had been progressively getting worse over time. I had started to notice he was only initiating intimacy when he was inebriated, never sober. Even then it was maybe once a month. Then that turned into once every few months. Now it’s been 8 months since we were last intimate with each other. There have been a few times when he has passed out on the couch at night and I go down in the morning and see his phone is still on the porn he was watching. But he’s not watching females. I have confronted him a few more times and he swears he’s attracted to me, but his actions say otherwise.
On top of all this, he has really let himself go in the last several years. I have been working on getting healthy and fit, and have lost a lot of weight. He keeps saying he wants to get healthy but makes no moves to do so. Recently I’ve started to notice that my attraction to him has faded to almost nothing. The worst part about this is I’m definitely not getting any younger and I am starting to feel like these years are being wasted. I want to have a sex life.
He’s a good father, but as a partner I have not felt like he’s been very attentive to my needs. Not just in the bedroom either. I think he has sensed that I’m withdrawing and has really doubled efforts to show me he loves me. I believe he does. I’m just not sure if we can get that spark back into our relationship. We’ve been together so long and he is a good man overall, plus we have our kids to consider. I’m just starting to feel like our relationship is on its death bed and I am no longer sure how to save it. My feelings don’t feel the same as they used to. We’ve gone so long with me making the same complaints and nothing getting better that I’ve just given up, I think. Has anyone else reached this point in their marriage and had it work out somehow? I really don’t want to start over but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t keep having these same conversations with him.
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Poor old Billy Betabucks….
I think, deep down, you know the answer to this. The question is, what do you do about it?
Your husband is either bisexual, or he’s in the closet. He doesn’t initiate to you and you have ample evidence that he’s into men. Nothing wrong with that, but its hurting you actively.
You only get one life. When its over, its over. Don’t waste it being miserable or feeling unwanted. Moving on is hard as fuck, but in the end, its the best thing for you. You don’t want to be laying on your deathbed someday full of regret because you didn’t move on because of status quo or guilt or something.
Take care of you. You don’t have to hate him to move on. You don’t have to witness cheating. Sometimes couples just dont work or grow apart, for a million reasons. Its not a failure on you. Not unless you stick with it when everything is telling you not to.
Time to move on.
Did you say that your significant other noticed that you were backing away? And still, they don’t want to change?
My best bet is that they have fallen short to an addiction. And addictions cause our brains to act out of control.
So really, they need to heal themselves and stay sober living. I know that it’s not easy, however, they need to consider their family.
Many people have found in patient and or out patient rehabilitation of much success.
https://www.addictioncenter.com/treatment/inpatient-outpatient-rehab/
Time to move on. You wasted 10 years. Accept it.
I feel for you. Have you guys had therapy together. Have you tried to talk to him as a friend, rather than as his wife?
I know this sounds stupid but if he is really in denial over being gay then most of this would add up.
If you offer him an out he may fess up – sounds like neither of you are happy.
I had a child with my female friend before I graduated from highschool. I’m gay, and the south can really fuck with you. I enlisted into the military to take care of them. I recognize the signs of having no sexual interest, that was me. You should be his friend in this matter, but it’s probably best that you guys split. Are you angry with him? Can you forgive him if he’s honest? Can you still be friends if you separate?