As the title states, for all my life basically I “tried to fit in”, be part of a group, make friends, adapt to the group etc.
Now my biggest problem is that I don’t know who I am anymore, to be honest. I (32f) am in a caring relationship with my bf (35) who is comfortable with having little friends and staying at home, enjoying his games/watching sports/quality time with me.
I’m comfortable with that as well, apart from loving to be outside as well but I have a dog who helps me with that part, but my cirkle is not used to that. And neither am I. I keep having these thoughts like we should be doing more, going out more, I keep comparing myself to people around me like colleagues and friends and I don’t know how to be satisfied with being like this. My job asks a lot of interaction with people, so often afterwards I’m exhausted and want to relax with dog/bf/myself. But when I see people around me going out, having social outings after work, a part of me feels like I should be doing that as well (but often I’m checked out on the couch and I honestly like to sleep – and need my sleeping hours as well).
So there’s that. I’m slowly in the process of communicating this more to family and friends, some understand but some really don’t and I’m very susceptible to their opinion and feel like I have to adapt to what they think is ‘normal’. I have a very hard time responding with my honest opinion when invited for something or just saying I’d rather not come…
I dunno how to deal with this and I just needed to get it off my chest. All kinds of tips and tricks are welcome.
Comments
Hey, I relate to this a lot. People often think I’m extroverted too—especially since I used to work in the beauty industry where talking all the time was basically required. But honestly, I’m not as social as I seem, and it gets exhausting keeping that up.
These days, I just want quiet time with my partner or my dog, and I’ve had to learn that it’s okay to not always say yes or go out just because others do. One thing that helped me is realizing you don’t owe anyone a full explanation—a simple “I’m resting tonight, but thanks for the invite” goes a long way.
You’re not alone. It’s valid to want a calmer life.
Love yourself. I’m the same way and when I finally had to draw boundaries, it was difficult at first. Some people (most actually) understood very well, but some friendships also faded out after that. Which is fine, honestly. If people can’t understand or even just respect my needs then I really don’t need them in my life. Leaves more quality time for the people who matter most!
Apart from that it’s just getting used to saying no. It takes a while but it will get easier. To me it feels like it’s really just practice. You’ll get there, I’m sure!
If you are doing the “haftas”, like working, etc then you earned the right to do the “wannas” (or don’t wanna). If you’re ok with chilling out then learn to be ok with it 🙂
It took me years to realize that not caring what others thought was normal and ok.
Hey I feel you! My advice is link up with a psychologist as it sounds like you may be masking slight austistic level 2 traits. Don’t let that scare you level two is just about interacting with people and putting on the front and being like a chameleon and fitting in with everybody.. I know this because I have just recently found out that I have been doing this my whole life and I’m 58 years old. I don’t know who I am but I am finding out slowly so my advice to you is get onto it early and find out who you are so you can really enjoy your life and live your passions.
Three therapy you’ll be able to knock all the barriers down that are built up inside you protecting you and get to know you’re real authentic self.
The only person‘s opinion that matters is yours .
Also I would suggest reading or listening to Mel Robbins book called Let them. It has been a brilliant help to me in the fact of letting others be who they are and letting yourself be who you are and not having expectations of each other allowing everybody to be their authentic selves.
I really feel you and am going through a similar realization right now. What has helped me is to stop caring about what others think and stop comparing myself to others. “Comparison is the thief of joy!” And that is really true!
IMO we are more connected then ever before and there is a near constant demand for our attention. Emails that need answered in the same day or you’re a “bad employee”, texts that need to read and responded to right away or you’re a “bad friend”, dates and events that you need to attend or you’re a “bad person”. It’s all so much and it all moves WAY TOO FAST for us. It’s ok to slow down and say, I need to rest. Sayings like, “you can’t pour from an empty cup” exist for a reason.
My biggest advice is to stop comparing your life to some unrealistic expectations. Your real friends will understand your boundaries and the one’s who can’t aren’t real friends. When deciding on what to do or not do I like to ask, is these a hell yes? If not then it’s a no and “no.” is a full sentence.
Edit:Typo